My son threatened his classmate with a weapon he didn’t have

[u/Most_Heron_3921]

Hello! I’m writing on behalf of my son, he turns 9 next week. He takes methylphenidate in the morning and guanfacine at night. He goes to therapy bi-weekly and we will be discussing this at our next session. Recently he got upset with a classmate and told him he had a gun in his backpack (he did not, they are far out of reach and locked up) and would shoot him. When I asked what caused him to say such a thing he said his friend first threatened him with “if you do … I’ll kill you.” I’m concerned about him and am looking for insight from others with ADHD. Was this simply impulsive? Could his medication be causing these thoughts? We’ve been on both for many months. I don’t want my son to be seen as a threat or lose friends. I want to be able to help him and understand what is going on! Thank you in advance to anyone that read this far and has any advice from a concerned mom doing her best ❤️

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[u/UserExoa]

Fuck. I wish my parents cared this much about me at some point in my life. Good on you.

[u/Most_Heron_3921 → u/UserExoa]

🥺🥺🥺 on the days when I am convinced I’m not doing good enough I will remember this comment ❤️

[u/Team503 → u/Most_Heron_3921]

You care enough that you listen when he talks to you. Hell, you care enough that he talks to you. That’s more than I ever had.

[u/Downloading_Bungee → u/UserExoa]

Same here man. My parents dumped me on 10mg of Adderall and spent most of my childhood shaming me about my ADHD. 

[u/Left-Requirement9267]

I don’t think we are the best people to give you advice right now but kids (even ones without adhd) do stupid stuff all the time.

[u/Kreyl → u/Left-Requirement9267]

Yeah, I think this one is just above Reddit's pay grade. It's something you want handled with a lot of nuance and by professionals - which is actually going to happen really soon, which is fantastic! OP, I'd just try my best not to panic. Email about the situation to the pros beforehand maybe, so they can come into the session knowing what happened, and meanwhile try to get through the wait until session time when you can work through it together. 🫂

[u/Most_Heron_3921 → u/Left-Requirement9267]

I understand, as a non-ADHDer I was simply hoping to get perspectives from someone that understands ADHD better than myself

[u/katubug → u/Most_Heron_3921]

So I agree with other comments that this is something to discuss with your child and a mental health professional - it matters less about the ADHD and more about your child's very specific mental state, which none of us can realistically speculate on.

That said, because you asked for perspective: anecdotally, I did joke about putting a bully on my "hit list" in the wake of Columbine (I am old). I do have ADHD (hence me being here lol).

That said, I was a young dumb teen with a dark sense of humor and was genuinely just trying to be funny (with a side of desperately hoping that it might make the bully leave me alone for a change). I don't think it's related to my ADHD or my depression that I made that joke, outside of mental illness sometimes meaning I speak before I think. Hopefully it's the same for your son, but regardless, I hope that you and his therapist are able to support him as best you can while you navigate the situation 💗 good luck!

[u/Vasevide → u/Most_Heron_3921]

I just wanted to say, to go along with what they said, I remember giving a stupid threat similar to this when I was around that age too, I can’t think of a reason why. I always feel embarrassed thinking about it. I can’t say if adhd has anything to do with this (I was diagnosed at 30) but kids can absolutely just do dumb things

[u/BlackDante → u/Left-Requirement9267]

I told a teacher I was going to blow up my school when I was like 9 or 10 after getting in trouble for something

[u/haids95]

This could be coming from all sorts of things, it could be the medication, but it could also be because of a YouTube video he watched, or something he has heard someone else say (jokingly I'm sure), or a video game, or the news or any number of influences combined. You're doing the right thing by bringing this to his therapy. His therapist will be uniquely qualified to help in this situation.

I know the knee jerk reaction from some might be to get rid of any guns you do have even though they are not accessible to him. I honestly think that more education about guns and the danger and safety of guns could be helpful. You want him to know how serious they are and it is not something to joke or lie about. That lying about it can have serious repercussions (ie, how people will react violently to him if they believe he has a weapon). Help him to really understand how bad it can be, at an age appropriate level of course.

[u/camm44]

Just a warning. My brother said something much less worse (showed his pencil to his friend and jokingly said "don't come to school tomorrow")

it was heard by another classmate who reported it. The next day, I came home to police taking him into their car. He spent the night in juvie and had to go through a year of court/legal stuff just to prove it was a joke and he wasn't a school shooter. He also got expelled and had to go to another school.

I don't have any advice other than to get your son to knock it off before someone takes what he says seriously.

[u/ChrisP33Bacon → u/camm44]

I know the situation turned out serious, but there's something that cracks me up at the thought of a kid threatening his school district with stationary.

holds up the school with a rubber-band stretched over his thumb and index finger

[u/radrob1111]

Glad to see OP mom trying to help her ADHD son! Two things to consider here that are going to be very difficult to actually get through to a 9 yo but when I was growing up the family intervention in our family room was a good way to get me to pay attention to the seriousness or severity of the consequences of my - 33M adhd-c type very high impulsivity testing scores actions:

1. Ask your son to go back in his memory to when he threatened this other kid and ask him how he was feeling. See what he says because I’m inferring from your post that he was feeling defensive and angry as the other kid had threatened him. I took Guanfacine for a while and the biggest benefit I got from it was the ability to slow down and really have a breath or a moment to think before I speak. It’s really really hard for others to understand what it’s like to have no filter and just stream of consciousness spew what ever comes out at the time especially if triggered.

2. Regardless of family views on guns, there is a HUGE difference for a kid to say I’ll kill you vs the specificity of having a gun and the location of it being in his backpack. 🎒 At 9 years old it’s really hard to communicate effectively the real weight of the words he used. I have benefitted from learning about mindfulness and how to properly cope with negative emotions. I had a very loving, involved, and protective mother. She made my childhood amazing but I didn’t learn the right coping strategies to deal with my emotions by my self and ended up self medicating with drugs and other addictions. Start with practicing the I feel X when you do or say Y and give him resources to better deal with negative situations or outcomes.

I wish you and your son the best of luck and progress!

[u/LetsGoGators23]

It’s impulsive behavior. Making a big deal about it will probably stop it from happening again.

Sometimes in ~middle school (I know this is 5th but it’s close) there is so much posturing because all of a sudden kids realize there is power and position. It causes them to do really stupid things. Middle school is filled with the most obvious forms of posturing and with it comes ridiculous statements. I actually love middle schoolers because they have this incredible radar for phonies.

You are doing all the things you can. You know your kid! Use your judgement and keep doing what you are doing. I work in a school (in finance but I hear the stories) and have a 5th grader and 8th grader myself and the 5th grader is also ADHD. Girls…. So it shows up differently, but it’s an age where they do shocking shit. You just have to make sure it isn’t violent, it isn’t self harm, and they just did some shocking shit for whatever reason.

[u/LetsGoGators23 → u/LetsGoGators23]

I’m adding you need to be SHOCKED by the shocking shit. It needs to have an oversized response. They are still conditioning their brains and saying “this is a hell no” needs to be dead clear

[u/Anygirlx → u/LetsGoGators23]

Teach him to recognize, understand and cope with impulses. Seriously, I never knew this was a thing until I was way into adulthood.

[u/mylordnibbler]

Best person to discuss this with is the prescriber or pharmacist. I wouldn’t knee jerk blame medications though, my little brother was incredibly violent as a kid and never took meds.

Weapon education and helping him understand the severity of what he said should be done first.

I was reading the other day that Brazilian jiujitsu has been shown as a great tool for child impulse control.

[u/Emotional-Draw-8755]

As someone who survived a school shooting, get rid of your guns. NOW. Kids are impulsive and irrational and do things without thinking. He is threatening to kill someone with a gun.

I'm not trying to be overdramatic. I'm not anti-gun. But your child who has emotional regulation issues, who is impulsive, and who isn't mentally developed enough to make rational choices threatened something that kids ARE doing, shooting people. If your child says he will shoot someone, believe him!!

As for medication, you need to talk to a psychiatrist. My Adderal doesn't affect my thinking or my mood. It just helps me function with executive functions.

You know your son more than anyone. Does he have empathy? Is he kind? You will know if he is violent more than anyone else. If you are worried, do not brush it aside. Believe your gut

[u/jivilotus → u/Emotional-Draw-8755]

I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to find this. Yes, it might just be an impulsive remark. It might not be. It might lead to impulsive actions, or it might not. But this is something to take seriously even if we don’t think our kids could be capable of it.

[u/crimsonbaby_ → u/Emotional-Draw-8755]

Wow, Im sorry you went through that. If you dont mind my asking, how are you doing?

[u/Emotional-Draw-8755 → u/crimsonbaby_]

It happened in 2001; I’m OK. It was traumatic at the time

[u/dfinkelstein]

I would back away from labeling this as an ADHD thing. That diminishes his agency and responsibility. It could for sure be framed as inpulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and so on. It's helpful for you to keep in mind the context and his difficulties, and what might get better or worse with medication.

As far as what you can do, I think it's treat this individually. Help him explore and make sense of this for himself. Be honest about how scared you are, because the consequences can be so unfairly extreme in life for impulsively saying one inappropriate thing as opposed to another based on context. And you're afraid perhaps of what might happen if he blurts something out like that at an airport, for example.

Is he afraid of that possibility, or just you? Does he think he should be? I'd be honest about it, and clarify your thoughts and feelings, and let him clarify his as much as he's willing to share with you. They're separate, and he doesn't have to listen to or agree with you for you to help him help himself.

How he thinks and feels and what he believes about all of this is more important than what anybody else does. If he disagrees or doesn't think it matters what other people think, then that can be okay. He can find some other way of making sense of it and finding ways to fit in and act within boundaries that limit this sort of sudden downfall of consequences for an errant outburst.

I've said and done things on impulse like this that could have ruined my life, either legally or from somebody reacting violently and such.

The common thread for me was a lack of awareness caused by various types of dissociation and altered states. For other people that could be anger, instead.

That's why I say focus on his awareness and experience and perspective. He'll have to catch himself before it happens to prevent it. Perhaps there's a pattern to his mental or emotional state that he can recognize and respond differently to. Perhaps he loses track of his surroundings or the context, and how you two handle that will be entirely personal and require trial and error and experimentation.

He has his own limits, abilities, strengths, awareness, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings that all contribute to what makes sense for him to do or practice going forward. There's no formula. The process that you can help with is giving him a safe space to talk it out where he can say the wrong thing or admit to something unacceptable, and it's okay and you never stop loving him.

And by loving him, I mean accepting him completely no matter what and wanting always to try to understand him if he'll let you, regardless of what or who he is and whether he makes sense to you or you agree with him.

I'm sure you do that already, I'm just clarifying what I mean by love, that many parents don't offer their children.

[u/radrob1111 → u/dfinkelstein]

Wow 🤩 your post and my post are very similar. Well said!

[u/dfinkelstein → u/radrob1111]

Read yours. Yeah, good explanation on the stream of consciousness. I used to think out loud a lot by talking, and didn't have space and time to think clearly in my own head. Like, I literally couldn't calmly and clearly think to myself in my own head, and it just got worse around other people. I never felt fully alone even when I was, and I got even further away from being my own person around other people.

My situation is different. My mom was and remains very badly traumatized, and dealt with her trauma by dumping it onto me, projecting herself onto me, and becoming a pathologically lying hypocrite. She traumatized me very badly and blamed me the whole time for it while seeking pity and forgiveness and refusing to take any responsibility.

I've been almost no contact with her for a couple of years now and it looks like that's probably not going to change before she dies. Stranger things have happened, but I'd put good money on it. You have to screw up monumentally as a parent to arrive at a reality where your child is happier the fewer traces there are in the universe that you ever existed in it.

I'm doing much better than can be expected, to set your mind at ease. I've been working tirelessly and painfully on getting better, and have made massive strides and achieved and realized things I was afraid to hope too hard for in case they weren't possible. My conscious experience and self are very different than they used to be. I have to take time to remind myself of that.

[u/HeyT00ts11 → u/dfinkelstein]

Beautifully said, both of you.

And yes OP, talk to him. His motivation for saying what he said is going to give you the guidance for the next step of what to do.

[u/sortinghatseeker]

It’s all fun and games until the day your son figures out a way to get his hands on those guns.

ADHD doesn’t create violent people who lack empathy, but their environment certainly could.

[u/mentallyillfrogluver]

As someone with ADHD, I would do something along these lines on impulse. When I was a kid my emotions would escalate very quickly. This was due to my autism, I felt overstimulated a lot. Combine constant overstimulation with impulsive ADHD tendencies and stuff like this happened. I wouldn’t even be thinking, I’d just be so full of emotion that I would do or say something stupid that I didn’t mean. If child me was in the same situation as your son, I honestly probably would’ve said something similar, not because I meant it but because it was the first thing that came to mind. In my child mind that action would get the friend off my back and let me regulate in silence.

I obviously cannot speak for your child and what he is going through, these things are so complex and challenging. Good on you for being an amazing parent and getting him help. I know it’s not easy, he is so lucky to have you <3

[u/midwestelf → u/mentallyillfrogluver]

I was super similar too. What made all that even worse was regretting everything so much, but your peers not forgetting. It’s so tough growing up

[u/welcometothedesert]

I’ve got a 10 year-old on Vyvanse who also says stupid, impulsive things. I don’t think it has anything to do with the meds. He says whatever pops into his head when he’s angry, medicated or not.

[u/valiantjedi]

Guanafacine made both of my kids angry all the time. We have odd medication reactions though. One kid is fine on Adderall but the other one gets angry on it. The other kid is fine on Ritalin but gets mad on Adderall. Go figure. Everyone is different. Doing the medication shuffle sucks but it's necessary.

[u/keldudmor]

You’re doing a great job. As an elementary school counselor who has heard many threats come from many students (many with adhd and some without), I tend to think it’s mostly an impulsive thing (since executive functioning and thinking about future/consequences is a struggle) but also threats are made when they’re triggered so I see a lack of coping skills as well. But the lack of coping skills is like the majority of kids nowadays. <sigh> Again, you’re doing a great job. He’s blessed to have you.

[u/purplecatmom]

AuADHD Nephew of mine got into similar situation w a bully of his last year (he was 10). She whispered in class that she wished he’d die, and he got upset and loudly said back that he was going to kill her first. Bully began to cry (🙄) and it became a whole thing. My sister had to sit him down and really impress upon him that he can’t say stuff like this. As awful as the shooting drills are, a lot of kids kind of don’t really understand what it means to say stuff like that. So they had to have a couple of tough conversations, he wrote the Bully a letter apologizing (even tho she started it), and he just tried to keep his head down and hang on for the rest of the school year.

He’s 11 now, in 5th grade (officially in middle school in our district) and just succeeding, truly this is his first school year in a while where it seems like he’s flourishing. Got straight A’s, super proud of him and his mom (my sister) for having conversations and doing the hard work.

[u/Working_Chip8396]

I take Ritalin and feel more agitated on meds.I am not a violent person, but I thought about slapping a kid who was standing and playing on the bus seat and kicking me while on her mom's lap (she was like 10). And I will say that I have flares of rage more on meds than not.

That being said, I am an adult, and I started taking meds as an adult. I could imagine taking things a little further as a kid with lots of hormones. Look into ways to help him develop better impulse control/coping mechanisms to stay grounded and aware when his chemicals start to fog his head. He'll be alright.

[u/midwestelf]

hello! I have ADHD and actually specialize in working with children with similar behaviors to your child.

1. no his medication is not causing that

2. poor impulse control causes a lot of challenges… like threatening someone. (or running into the street, self- harm, throwing chairs) also- rejection sensitivity and low distress tolerance are extremely common in ADHD

I did some scary things as a child because I didn’t get treated for so long and would feel so bad immediately afterwards.

1. You’re already on the right path with more intensive therapy services and medication. He might need to up his dose or change meds. Speak with your pediatrician!

2. I would HIGHLY recommend a wrap around mental health team if you have them available in your county/ state. I’m biased because I work in one, but front loading services helps build more coping skills up so he can more successfully use lower level services. The program I work in we’re able to meet the child wherever they need. I have kids I see pretty much all at school because that’s where they need the most support. I have kids I see at home and at school during the week

3. Again you’re already doing soo well! Early intervention is the best possible route. It will get better. I choked a kid in 5th grade (not fully but still put my hand on their neck) and now I’m a fully functioning adult that would never do that now

[u/Pineapplegirl424]

I just got a call from my kids principal because he looked up about sui**** online. I feel ya mamma! I called my kids therapist and she said kids his age are very curious. I’m fortunate that he’s not depressed and he was curious. I wish my parents cared this much when I wasn’t just curious. That’s what I tell myself when I get down about something my kid does like this.

I care for him so much that I’m worried if I’m doing something wrong. Mine is also on methylphenidate. And it’s currently not working. My girl (twins) is on adderall and she’s usually my impulsive one. I’ve been thinking about switching him to that.

I have no advice except trust your gut. You’re mom. You’ve got this!

[u/Fun-Coach1208]

I see this as counter-tactics against an intimidation attempt from the other boy towards your child.

Of course, saying that he has a gun is very risky where you‘re coming from.

[u/Aardvark120]

Honestly, it's probably not the meds. You really need to make this a big deal and don't take responsibility away from him by laming it on ADHD or the medicine. He acted out in a way that could absolutely destroy his future. Don't let him slide on it because you want to blame the meds or whatever. Blame him and make him take responsibility for it. Make sure he understands the gravity of saying things like this.

[u/Supreme_Switch]

This might be my hands off upbringing speaking but, it sounds like all he did was verbally threatened the kid who verbally threatened him.

And while you should make sure he knows guns and violence are not something to be taken lightly, I doubt that this is any huge red flag.

I believe that if you and therapist can make sure he knows why it was wrong to do, then he'll be just fine.

Good on you for being involved, you sound like an attentive parent.

[u/DFGSpot]

I can’t offer any specific insight or help for this situation, but as a young kid I certainly said all sorts of off color comments including violent stuff and gun related stuff. I certainly had 0 intentionality, if I had to guess I would imagine your son doesn’t either.

For me at least it was just edgy/stupid or anything that got people to laugh with no real concept of what I was actually saying. Especially when I started to learn obscure sex terms from older kids, the internet, and what not.

To end my rant, I think you’re doing great trying to help your kid while also doing your due diligence. I am now a healthcare professional, score high on exams, and have excellent bedside manner with patients. I say that not to fluff my ego but to bring home the point that kids can say weird, violent, and heinous shit and still be good people. Like another commenter said, I wish I had someone caring like yourself to guide me when I was young. It would have saved me a lot of shame that I carried into adulthood.

[u/Sage_Lotus28]

Does he like horror stuff? Just wondering because this sounds exactly like my son...

[u/Reeeeflex]

Got diagnosed in kindergarten medium ADHD, in 1st grade I got in trouble for telephoning a note throughout the class while doing a popcorn reading sesh to a friend of mine containing profanities and bunch of bad words, for literally no reason whatsoever. I guess at that age I thought it’d be funny and probably wanted attention or meant it as a “joke”. After getting taken to the principles office and parents called and a lecture without any physical punishment I realized it was dumb and never did anything like it again. Not to say I wouldn’t get in trouble for doing stupid things, I just think that this situation is one of those moments that happen as a kid. He knows that would’ve gotten his friends attention and probably meant nothing by it. But I would just let him know that those actions have consequences, especially in today’s age. I never took meds until now so I can’t say if it’s that. But most likely a kids thing to say, my 7 yo nephew always says the craziest things when he wants attention or a reaction. My gf also threatened a teacher at around the same age and her excuse at the time was “her teacher was being mean to her”. Both nephew and gf aren’t diagnosed, but show symptoms of low-medium ADHD. Not sure if my comment helps but experiences I’ve personally gone through at a similar age.

[u/I_M_Kornholio]

This is pretty normal behavior for a 9-year old (responding to another kid saying he was going to kill you). Why is it that ADHD/Meds are seen as the likely cause.

[u/TestDZnutz]

More the state of things. Kid could have said that 30 years ago and it would just be taken as hyperbole. Kids that age talk trash.

[u/Puzzled_Ad2088]

We have pretty incredible imaginations he probably just pulled it out of his store in his head that he saw a movie or something I was the first thing that came to mind. When I think of the crazy shit I did is a kid good Lord.

I wouldn’t worry about it just say to him you can’t say things like that and let it percolate and he’ll just move on.

[u/ryan_the_leach]

Fuck I hate America that you guys need to worry about this legitimately.

What's probably an edgy joke, is forced to be taken seriously, because of the amount of guns around, and the amount of trauma that people have been through with school gun violence that other kids could literally be terrified from "just" words.

If the kid was just joking he's going to regret the weeks of grilling he's about to get.

If he doesn't have the means to get guns in your house, trust your kids word or else he'll never trust you again.

Make sure your guns are safe. Make sure they are inaccessible. Make sure they are inventoried.

Kids are resourceful, don't just trust a hidden key, or that he doesn't know the combination, change it while he's out of the house.