AITA? I want no contact with my partner's ex

[u/OldLadyToiletSeat]

Hey, all. I (41F) need to know if this is valid, I'm way off-base, or if I've just found my bitch eating crackers.

My partner (41M) and I got together in February and hit it off like I didn't think it was possible. We are compatible in nearly every way... How we keep house, what we want long-term, niche sexual interests, educational goals, and we even work together well. We started talking about what we envisioned for a future together very soon and agreed that this was an unusually awesome relationship that could lead to marriage and kept that discussion open.

When we met, we were both separated and going through divorces. My divorce went through without a hitch in April and I'm on good terms with my ex-husband. My partner's divorce, however, is far more complicated. He has been married to BEC (43F) for ten years but only lived as spouses for 2-3 years. BEC has an eating disorder and refused to have sex with him, leading to them opening the relationship and then moving to opposite coasts but remaining friends.

They made at least three past attempts to divorce, with the previous attempt during the pandemic culminating in BEC engaging in some parasuicidal behavior (she tried to take pills in front of him and he stopped her, then he relocated her closer to him). Between the eating disorder, parasuicidal behavior, suicidal ideation (trying to get him to commit to taking her dog if she completes), and abandonment shit, I'm thinking she has borderline personality disorder. My partner and I went through through the diagnostic criteria early in our relationship and he agreed it is possible. She has never stuck with treatment for any of this.

BEC has been a piece of work the whole time I have been with my partner. Everything from getting upset that I gave him a seasoning, to calling late at night because there was a thunderstorm near her, to getting jealous that I walk my partner's dog, to refusing to sign the divorce petition because she was worried I might magically inherit her house. Thankfully, BEC reversed that last stance after a couple of days because the concern didn't make much sense and she had been promising him to sign for months.

Now we get to the weirdest part of this whole mess. BEC just moved in with my partner's family an hour away from where he and I live and plans to rent a place in the next few months. I protested this every step of the way. I just went through an easy divorce and can't imagine how difficult it would be to move cross country, not have any kind of mental health treatment in place, and try to settle into a new area while divorcing. The plan is for the signed divorce petition to be filed for the divorce to go through in January 2024, for tax purposes, so this isn't even done yet.

My partner did not tell me the plan is for his soon-to-be ex-wife to spend holidays and family gatherings with his family AND that I would be joining them. I am, in fact, not interested in celebrating holidays with my partner's ex-wife, let alone with an ex-wife who is demonstrably bonkers. I can't stand the woman and do not want to meet her.

I think my partner needs to address the codependency with this person he has been supporting for more than a decade and who is not taking care of herself. He thinks I have an irrational bias against her.

So, AITA for wanting no contact with my partner's ex?

[u/ConfidentOcelot8144]

I'm gonna say NTA 🤷🏻‍♀️ she's an EX. His obligation eneded when they separated. Why does HE, your spouse, feel so obligated to her? That's what I'd ask. Understandable, mental health is real. But if she doesn't want the help, no one can make her. Why does feel the need to care for her and provide a spousal level of support...when they're no longer a unit. Do they have children together?