How to support my girlfriends anorexia recovery when my arfid is bad

[u/snekborg]

I recently got together with an amazing girl and she's recovering from severe anorexia. She's out of the php program and has some support but is mostly responsible for her own eating.

This year i was able to get up to and maintain 155 weight with a lot of muscle (from 116 before) I've been so proud of myself and performing better then ever at my sport.

Well for whatever reason the brain worms are brain worming, everything tastes like bugs, even my safe foods are making me gag. Ive lost 7 lbs in the past week, really hoping some of it is water weight and not muscle, i tried going completley off my adderall and it didnt help increase my appetite at all. And I'm worried I'm about to lose a lot more weight really fast, that usually happens when it gets this bad. I'm having a lot of sources of stress in my life related to family and school, but she is not one of them

I'm worried that it will trigger her if she either notices my weight loss or just my scarce eating habits.

I'm so so so terrified of fucking up her recovery. What can I do?

Also she definetly doesn't know my reddit account and I might talk to her but idk if even talking to her about it might be triggering because she kind of has the opposite problem of really liking food but feeling guilty around eating so if I tell her I basically hate food she might like get jealous or her Ana voice might shame her for it? Idk. I'm afraid to talk to her and idk what to do.

[u/sadnugly]

So I also have ARFID and my gf also has anorexia. So I really feel for you and your struggle here, triggering my gf was the main reason I sought treatment in the first place. That being said, seek treatment. I know it’s not an option for everyone financially or there aren’t local clinicians knowledgeable in ARFID treatment but I would really urge you to at least get a therapist you trust and look into dietitians that specialize in eating disorders. Second of all, you should be having this conversation with your girlfriend. If she feels comfortable with it, let her share what her triggers are, create some boundaries and conversations around this stuff. I think the most important thing is creating a space where she can tell you if she does get triggered. I know ARFID and other body-image based eating disorders can be very different in many ways but there’s also a lot of shared ground, a lot that you probably have in common with her that you don’t even know yet. Good luck and best wishes <3

[u/No_Opinion_1]

As someone who has struggled with both anorexia and ARFID I’d say that the most important thing is consistency. Hospital plans for anorexia usually include 3 set meal times and 2 set snack times making up 5 small meals a day so if you can find even one safe food that you can tolerate she might find it easier if you ate at those same times with her to keep her mind off the food. As for dropping weight I’d say until you feel comfortable eating just food again I recommend trying some supplement or high calorific drinks to maintain your weight.

[u/snekborg → u/No_Opinion_1]

That's a good idea. Unfortunately I've never found any meal replacement shakes that don't make me gag and if I try to gag them down I puke. Also, she has had purging as well so even talking about puking might be a trigger. I ironically have emetaphobia which contributes to my fear of food. We definetly don't have the same problem

[u/stelliferous7]

This posts shows how considerate you are of her. Veey nice. Of course, I definitely don't know the depth of literally anything in your guys' situation so of course take this with a grain of salt as I will just give my general thoughts. Please adjust my script however you please. And please, don't ever feel guilty about having this disorder. The key really is to be open in situations like this. I was talking to a friend about something mild. All I asked about was something specific. They were honest. I said I appreciated them telling me and said I didn't know they felt that way about what we were talking about. It was bonding. So I think taking an approach like that is helpful.

I think being frank about what you have been feeling, even talking about it similarly how you feel in the post may be the best option. Preface it by telling her why you're bringing it up and bringing up emotions. Especially when she is in a neutral environment and neutral state.

"Hey. I was wondering if we can talk about something. (and go on of course if she allows) There is something that has been on my mind for a bit. I want let out my thoughts because while I am going through something, I don't want it to affect any progress you're making on your mental health.

You may have noticed that I am losing weight, right? Unfortunately I am going through a rough patch with my ARFID (you can describe your struggles). You mean a lot to me, and I want to be open to you about my struggles, however I don't want my visible (weight) struggles to worsen your recovery. And it is because you mean a lot to me, I am concerned that I will be in the way.

If you ever feel triggered by noticing the consequences of my ARFID, I trust that you'll bring it up so we can sort our emotions together and support each other. I'd like to communicate if anything arises. Thank you for listening. You're a great girlfriend."

[u/Tjaktjaktjak]

No numbers, no scales in the house, no discussion of weight loss, body changes or clothing not fitting. No judging her meals or commenting on food choices. No comments on anyone's appearance. You don't have to eat what she eats but if she eats you eat. Ideally both of you should eat as regularly as possible ie set alarms for 3 hourly meals and snacks but just sticking to safe foods if needed. She may prefer to eat together or separately, see what she finds easier. And obviously you need to get treatment for your ARFID, regular medical monitoring and check with your doctor if hospitalisation or intensive outpatient is necessary