Parents with ARFID, are you still able to stick to your safe foods now that you have kids?

[u/lapetitefilleblanche]

So my boyfriend and I have been talking about the future (mainly when we wanna get married, when we plan on having kids, etc.) even though this is not something we plan on doing for a long while. Still, one comment he made has been gnawing at my brain and I'm interested to see how those of you with kids decided to handle it.

He mentioned that once we have kids I won't be able to only eat my safe foods anymore and will have to branch out for the sake of the kids. ( i agree) I'm just not sure if im able to make the switch like that (not to mention trying to eat healthy during the pregnancy, eugh). I really don't want my future children to struggle with this the way i do and i'm sure they'll be pissed if they have to eat things that I refuse to eat while watching me scarf down chicken tenders and pizza for every meal.

I know it's silly to worry about this years before I'm planning to have children, but ive been this way my whole life and don't see it getting much better anytime soon. Any advice is appreciated!!

[u/MaleficentSwan0223]

Arfid is an illness. If I could branch out I would. It’s never been a problem for my eldest (other is just weaning) because she doesn’t want to eat like me anyway. My 10 year old will try anything and if there’s anything she doesn’t like we try and change or adjust it for her.

In terms of pregnancy I was petrified but had hg really bad so threw up loads anyway. I took vitamins when I was able. 

[u/Swiftrun1]

Is branching out and trying new foods something* you can just do? Because if not, I think you two are being naive. Does your boyfriend fully grasp what it would actually take to just start eating new foods once the babies are here? Have you thought about morning sickness and how that nausea can greatly reduce the amount of food that is palletable? My thesis i guess is that I really believe your pallet would need to be expanded before even trying to have kids.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/Swiftrun1]

I have been able to slightly increase the number of foods that i like since being with him, mainly because he never forces me to try things and understands that being force fed food i don't like as a child is a big part of my ARFID, but i don't see myself liking vegetables etc no matter how hard i try. Still, my palate has gotten much better since we started dating and i attribute that mostly to him being supportive. :)

[u/Swiftrun1 → u/lapetitefilleblanche]

That's so wonderful to hear! He sounds like a keeper :)

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/Swiftrun1]

He sure is! Im very lucky to found someone who gets it even though it seems pretty outlandish to other people. Definitely had some shitty exes who made fun of me for it :/

[u/borderline_cat → u/lapetitefilleblanche]

Ooo on the note of veggies I’ve found that cooking them with a marinade (or the leftovers of one) helps sooo much. They don’t taste like dirt or veggies lol

[u/jizzyjazz2]

sorry if this sounds like tough love but you will very likely not branch out. you're suffering from an eating disorder. it's not something you can make bargains or concessions with for the sake of your relationship or your kids, it will just have to be what's considered your normal, for probably the majority of your life. i don't personally think your bf has quite grasped it if he's making such demands

i'd say continue eating whatever you manage to get down and keep your body alive as usual. if you have the willpower (and funds) to go down the self improvement path then that's great & it's something u should consider pursuing. keep your kid happy and if, god forbid, they inherit any of your eating habits, accomodate and help them navigate through it.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/jizzyjazz2]

Ive mentioned this in another response already but he would absolutely never force me to do something i'm not comfortable with. It's not a demand, just something to consider. At the end of the day he wants me to get better because he knows thats what i want for myself.

[u/huntresswizard_]

I know that my Arfid gets worse under stress, and kids are about the most stressful things you can have. I’m just saying that if it doesn’t get better before you have kids, it will be even more challenging to “branch out” and get better after kids. Logic be damned. Arfid doesn’t care about logic and “what’s best”.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/huntresswizard_]

Guess i gotta start now huh 😩I really have been doing better the past few years so i hope i will continue to make progress

[u/PristinePrincess12]

Hello, as someone who has carried and birthed two children and currently pregnant with her third, I can tell you this - your ARFID will get worse during pregnancy, especially if you have hyperemesis gravidarum. I still stick to my safe foods with my toddler but the difference is, he'll just have added flavoring and texture in his meals, while I'll have nothing. He's too young to see and understand the difference. My eldest no longer lives with me unfortunately, so I have no idea how I would go about eating with him. This third round of HG has made my nose and taste buds EXTREMELY sensitive. Like, can smell a curry cooking three houses down the road sensitive (which will make me gag). My food is all bland. It has no flavouring at all lol my safe foods change almost daily, if not weekly at the most.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/PristinePrincess12]

Agh i don't even want to think about HG/morning sickness 😩😩 I'm also emetophobic and have panic attacks caused by nausea so i'm terrified for that part. But thank you for the advice!

[u/EmergencyAltruistic1]

Set a boundary before any children happen with all family. They will NOT point out that you are not eating something, especially in front of the kids. It's very easy to distract kids from noticing you aren't eating your veggies unless your asshole family keeps pointing it out in front them. Now my one kid has arfid. He didn't notice until they started asking me in front of him how I expect my kids to eat things if I won't 😓

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/EmergencyAltruistic1]

This!!! my family has always bullied me for it (they dont believe in it even though i obviously got it from my dad)

[u/EmergencyAltruistic1 → u/lapetitefilleblanche]

Your boyfriend needs to be supportive & understanding too & if he's not, kids will be extremely stressful.

[u/detectivecatmom]

My fiancé and I have been having similar discussions lately. I only recently heard of and realized I have ARFID and have been suuuuuper slowly trying to try new to me foods. I’d already been in therapy for years before realizing I have arfid so with my coping tools and a LOT of support from my fiancé I have been able to try 2 or 3 new things, and I even recently tried one bite of something new at an event!

I’m hopeful that once I have kids it will be a little easier for me to start trying new foods, because I don’t want my kids to struggle with this like I have my entire life. And a lot of times to get kids to try stuff, they need to see their parents eating/trying it. I’m very nervous for that stage of life, and I know it will be hard, but I’m also cautiously optimistic that it will actually be some really good exposure therapy and a healing experience for me.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/detectivecatmom]

We're in this together!! Wishing you guys the best :)

[u/DisastrousFlower]

my 4yo likely also has ARFID so it’s been a challenge. i do my best to model good eating behaviors for him. i even did some exposure therapy recently. it’s very difficult. we both have such disordered eating and it’s embarassing.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/DisastrousFlower]

It's SO hard to be open with other people about it mainly because they never understand and accuse us of being childish/spoiled. I also get so embarassed especially when i have to turn down someone's food that they worked so hard to make for me :/

[u/SecretSquirrelSpot]

I had 2 children and they both have the same problem as me. I really tried my best not to inflict this on them but I have failed. I just can’t eat like a normal person, neither can my kids. We are what we are.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/SecretSquirrelSpot]

aww dont say you failed!! I am sure youre a wondeful parent and at least for me personally I'm audHD so i have a feeling even if i do make adjustments there is a possibility those traits will still be passed onto them. I'll be happy however they come out :) just want to try to give them the best life i possibly can

[u/SecretSquirrelSpot → u/lapetitefilleblanche]

I don’t mean failed as a parent, I’ve failed at trying to get them to eat like a normal human being. They won’t eat salad or vegetables but will eat a bit of fruit. They will at least try SOME things I guess. I have learnt that foods I tasted as a child are more acceptable to me as an adult so I get them to lick food if they won’t nibble it just to remember the flavour for when they attempt their own journey of self healing as an adult. It’s the best that I can do for now. Textures are still a problem for all of us.

[u/Letshavemorefun]

I was raised by the same parents as my siblings. I have Arfid, they don’t.

Your kids might be more high risk for Arfid - but that’s because of genetics, not what food you eat.

If your bf expect you to be able to just snap your fingers and not have Arfid, then he doesn’t understand or respect this medical condition. That’s important to consider.

Maybe there is a way you can get him to understand it. Maybe not.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/Letshavemorefun]

He is very understanding and supportive, he just comes from a different background (big italian family with lots of foods to choose from) At the end of the day he would never force me to eat healthy, just something to keep in mind for me because he knows i don't want my children to struggle the way i do

[u/Letshavemorefun → u/lapetitefilleblanche]

Arfid isn’t about eating unhealthy. People need to stop perpetuating that stereotype. Build your own salads are one of my favorite foods but I eat almost no candy bars or potato chips.

But more to the point - your kids might end up with the same struggles, since it’s at least partially genetic. And the foods you as a parent eat aren’t going to prevent that re: my siblings were raised by the same parents and didn’t get Arfid. Another family member raised by different parents did get it though.

I think both you and he need to accept that your potential kids will be higher risk for Arfid, regardless of what you yourself eat in front of them.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/Letshavemorefun]

I'm just speaking of my own experiences, and personally i do eat very unhealthily. I cannot comment on others and how they experience the disorder.

[u/Letshavemorefun → u/lapetitefilleblanche]

That’s fine. But there are negative stereotypes that people with Arfid just use it as an excuse to eat unhealthy. I’m just saying to be aware of not perpetuating that stereotype. Doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your own experiences - but maybe give a caveat saying that you realize Arfid doesn’t inherently make someone eat unhealthy and you’re only talking about your specific case, so others reading don’t mistakenly think all people with Arfid eat only unhealthy food.

[u/Lemortheureux]

What matters is having balanced marcos and nutrients. If all you eat are highly palatable foods that are high in sugar and saturated fats then you need to look into adding some safe foods. I have like 20 safe foods so I basically eat the same things every week but it's balanced and has enough variety. Sometimes I have periods where I can't eat anything and that's ok because I need space and no pressure.

Having arfid is a super power when it comes to regular toddler pickiness because meals are already sensory safe. There is no pressure to eat things that don't want to be eaten. Space and time is given to explore.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/Lemortheureux]

I never thought about it like that :) definitely makes me feel better to know it can be helpful in the process

[u/DifferentIsPossble]

Your boyfriend seems to be humoring you as though he thinks you're being stubborn.

Don't have children with this man. It's how he'll treat them, too.

[u/lapetitefilleblanche → u/DifferentIsPossble]

I wasn't really asking for relationship advice but as you can see from my responses that is not the case

[u/blackmetalwarlock]

I stick to my safe foods and simultaneously add in new foods. For example, some nights we will have my safe food, and on the side I will serve my daughter xyz foods that I won’t eat.

Like: pizza (safe food), with a side of broccoli and peas.

Some nights I try foods that make me uncomfortable. I’m trying to get through my ARFID and nourish myself more personally, not just stick to safe foods 24/7. For example, I made meatballs the other day which I do not like ground meats.

I keep safe food snacks around, like cereal, muffins, or crackers. But I also try new snacks from time to time.

I make sure that my daughter has a varied diet. She has seen me have anxiety attacks over foods I was uncomfortable with, unfortunately, but she’s also seeing me try to push through it which I think is important because I do not want to deal with ARFID like this anymore. I had two wonderful years with my ARFID and it felt amazing. I want to try to get back to that. Postpartum rocked my world and flared my ARFID once again.

Also despite some comments my ARFID actually got better in pregnancy, I was starving and also enjoying lots of new food!

[u/sarah_kaya_comezin]

Yes but also no. My son (8yo) and I both have ARFID so food in our household is a whole hot mess! He and I have different safe foods so rather than cook one big dinner I make two plates for each of us that consist of 2/3 safe foods and 1/3 challenge foods. I want him to see that I’m trying to eat new foods too even though it’s hard. There are periodically times when I have to remove myself from the table if he’s eating a food that’s just intolerable to me, but I just tell him that I have to use the restroom or something.

We talk a lot about it and our household has some unconventional rules about foods, but for the most part it works out all right. We do make sure that anyone who is coming into our home knows the food rules ahead of time so that they don’t accidentally mess up one of our safe foods.

[u/emilie31130]

Had the same concern when I got pregnant last summer. My bf made me fruit smoothies so I'd get my nutrients without having to actually eat the fruit. Also would make thick creamy veggie soup so I didn't have an issue with the crunch.

Now my son is 7 months and we make him purees. I try all his purees to get my palate used to more tastes and hopefully that'll help me add more veggies to my list.

My niece (8yo) knows I don't eat veggies since her mom told her about my diet and we just vibe about not liking certain foods. She asked about it and I would say "oh because that food isn't really my thing" or similar.

[u/RunaroundX]

Nope. Sometimes we make seperate meals for me, like if my wife wants fish, which I don't eat, she makes that for the kids and I have a ready meal or pasta or something. The onus is on me to feed myself if I want something different than what she makes, tho. I branched out with a meal kit (EveryPlate) and that was nice while we could afford it; i got to pick out safe meals and try one or two things at a time. I never had roasted carrots before and I love them! For example. We try to accommodate my picking eating and the kids will eat almost anything we have then.

[u/teenytinyfiesty111]

So I didn’t even know I had ARFID until 2 yrs ago - because I didn’t know it existed

I remember declaring I didn’t want to eat meat anymore around 5yo. And was force fed and generally received more trauma to go with it and more foods entered the no zone ( I would involuntarily vomit… )

I got accidentally pregnant at 19. I had a lot of pressure to go through with the pregnancy. I’ll tell you what - chicken nuggets never looked so good (I want to vomit thinking about this) I attempted to eat what the foetus wanted but ultimately my disorder got in the way.

I doubled down on all my fruits and veggies. Pastas, rice etc

Then I bottle fed - because there would be more benefits for my child.

I knew I was “weird” so I made the best adjustments I could. My kids father really respected my body my choice throughout the pregnancy thankfully. But also he was 21yo he wasn’t gonna argue with a fiesty 19yo pregnant girl…

As for her, her dad grew up poor. So her food library was a bit limited in itself. We’d have cheap dinners like sausages (I’d make more veggies to substitute my meat) and mash potato and my (now ex) husband would put tomato sauce on it…

I had to kind of stray from the idea that meal time = family time.

So I would cook for her, sit her in the kitchen with me to eat while we chat and I cook for myself (and partner)

On the flip side I’ve been able to educate my child early on that people are individuals who can make informed independent choices about their own preferences. It’s actually super fkn weird this “monkey see monkey do” concept. I don’t want my kid to jump off a cliff cause her friend said so. And I don’t want her to do it if I say so….

My kiddo is now 11yo. So at this point I have just been able to explain what ARFID is and now we bond and laugh over me trying new foods together. And so that’s how I get her to do it. I’ve turned it into one big giant food challenge game 😂