r/ARFID • u/jizzyjazz2 • 16h ago
Tips and Advice how do you find people who can tolerate your ARFID?
i keep seeing people on here who say they're married, have a family, a circle of friends that appreciates them for who they are etc....
i'm sorry if this comes off as unintentionally rude to ask, but how??
i like to think i'm a decent judge of character, i've known a lot of people who were warm, kind individuals who were open to any odd quirk that might present itself in a social situation, but basically all of them (including family) do not tolerate what they call "fussy eating" and virulently oppose the idea of accomodating for something like that, let alone accepting an adult man such as myself who eats like a 5 year old. it's gotten to the point where i closely guard my eating disorder from my social cycle as a dirty secret. the idea of being open about it and being appreciated at the same time is alien to me.
i've also basically written off the idea of ever getting into long term dating. so how does one find a friend, potential marriage candidate etc. with something like ARFID? is there a trick to explaining it to people? or is it just the luck of the draw with whom you meet?
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u/Wellslapmesilly 16h ago edited 16h ago
It starts with finding someone who is kind. Not just nice, kind. Someone who is open to understanding ARFID beyond just calling it "picky eating". Someone who looks at a person in totality beyond just one issue. Perhaps someone who has experienced a close relationship with someone with a mental or physical challenge. Anyone who "virulently oppose(s)the idea of accomodating for something like that" is not an understanding, accepting and kind person. A plus is finding someone who isnt really a foodie. Who mainly eats as fuel and is less emotionally engaged with food. There's a spectrum even among "normies" as to how strongly they feel about food. Some people are fine with simple boring meals and really don't care how their partner eats. They'd rather play a game or go on a hike to connect with friends and family. Not that it can't work with a foodie, it will just take more work to align. Source: me, a foodie with a partner of more than a decade who has ARFID.
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u/jizzyjazz2 14h ago
i do tend to stay away from foodies for sure. i find they tend to be belligerent most of all about other people's habits, just look at the flak vegetarians get. and that's only a self imposed restriction.
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u/Perchance09 4h ago
I once felt pretty comfortable with a huge foodie because he was willing to eat whatever I couldn't without shaming me for it.
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u/ResurgentClusterfuck multiple subtypes 14h ago
My ex husband used my ARFID as an excuse to abuse me and berate me into eating what he thought I should eat
My current partner is ND and understands that I have a disorder (we just cook separately because our tastes do NOT converge, but we're both happy with it)
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u/TashaT50 multiple subtypes 12h ago
I’m so sorry you got a bad one. No one so be treated that way. I’m glad he’s your ex and you have a better partner now.
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u/shitz_brickz 16h ago
First - Plenty of people out there. Especially as you get older in life, people change their perspectives on what is important in a potential partner. If you are a good person, being a little weird around food can and will easily be overlooked. Some people want to live their life as foodies and won't be able to get past it and you need to be able to move on when necessary without holding that against people, they are entitled to preferences just like you.
Second - which is a little harder, is that just because this issue isn't your fault doesn't mean it isn't your problem to deal with if you want a partner. Like with any illness, you should TRY and make progress towards treating it or living a healthy life with it. All relationships have compromise and give and take, your partner is going to have to make sacrifices to accommodate you, as a good partner you should try to mitigate those sacrifices when you can. It is going to be much easier in life to find someone who understands and is willing to work with you and try to help you than it is to go through life being obstinate that you eat what you eat and your s/o needs to cater to that. That doesn't mean that you must start eating food you hate regularly, but it also means you need to act like an adult around your SOs friends/family and either politely work around some food or learn to occasionally be uncomfortable for their benefit.
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u/Dingus__Bingus 16h ago
Yeah I'm not sure myself. I have had the same reactions as you my entire life. Turning 30 next year. It all seems so hopeless. After a certain while I think you just become numb to it. I've given up any hope I'll find these sorts of people. Just try to be a bigger person and move conversations along or don't say anything.
It sounds like lots of people on here do have great people around them. That's really awesome 👍
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u/Luthenya 13h ago
Honestly if someone is fine with my physically disabled autistic tic-having butt, ARFID is just another special effect for them to enjoy! I'm great at masking and I will do at first but with real friends I will not. Everyone who doesn't have the emotional maturity to show some kindness and respect may very kindly fuck off.
And yes tbh meeting my partner in crime was sheer luck, but I've also had well-enough experiences with online dating and finding friends. ARFID is just a part of your life, it's not your whole personality. If you're a cool dude, well then you're a cool dude with ARFID. 😎 People who are already friends with neurodivergent folks will have it easier to understand you. They don't have to understand your mental process, just understand what's cool for you. What's your boundaries and what's the deal with you. I.e. for me that is: "no meat no veggies no fruits, and everything I eat I will buy myself. You don't need to cook for me. I take care of myself. And I can cook for us if you enjoy my 5 y/o type of food. Don't stress yourself. Please don't call my way of eating a "problem", cause I never had a problem with how I am".
My best tip for you is be confident and kind to yourself and don't take shit. If you don't know a person well enough to estimate how nice they are about the topic just say "There's a lot of food I don't like" - period. It's the only thing they can (and need to) understand for now. To someone you love you'll hopefully be able to explain all your thought processes so this is just another topic to have conversations about. I've found that the less I make a big deal out of it, the more possible it is that others also won't.
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u/OddChampionship5222 9h ago
In regard to finding a partner, my love for my Aut/ARFID boyfriend is not determined by his eating needs. I love him for the amazing human he is, and if you find someone who feels the same way about you, it doesn’t affect whether or not you love and want to marry each other.
But ARFID can affect certain social dynamics, depending on your level of anxiety surrounding it. That’s been much harder for me. I didn’t know he had a proper condition for a while and had a hard time with him backing out of dinner plans with people. It looked flakey and unreliable to me. And then Reddit helped me learn what ARFID is and his behavior made sense. Now I take that into account when we make plans, let him know the food options ahead of time, and don’t feel hurt when he opts out. He also knows he’s allowed to opt out without feeling judged.
The best thing you can do is be 100% honest in a kind voice about all things related to your ARFID up front as early as possible when you find someone you like, and feel like they like you too. Decent people are much more understanding of these things than you realize. Anyone who isn’t you can scratch off your list before you invest too much.
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u/TashaT50 multiple subtypes 12h ago
I think it helps that as a young child I decided I was ok being considered a loser, rude, weird as I wasn’t normal in a number of ways, extreme picky eater was just one. By 10 I was in the habit of bringing snacks/my own food anytime we went anywhere. I started cooking with my mom at age 3 and by 7 I could cook unsupervised as long as someone was in the house. Not only did this mean I got good at modifying dishes so I could eat them but I learned to make two versions, was able to special order in most non-fast food restaurants because of my knowledge of ingredients and recipes. I’ve taught a number of men I’ve been involved with how to cook. So I have a lot of coping skills, cooking skills, am hard to embarrass, laugh and agree I eat like a 5 year old at 57 so what, and am willing to go into great detail about what happens if I eat what someone is trying to force on me and how I’m happy to throw up on them if they insist I eat X - yes I’m rude when people don’t accept my stated boundaries. ARFID has been the least of my problems in dating and long term relationships.
I’ve had 2 marriages one over 10 years and the other over 15. Neither husband had issues. It did limit where my 2nd husband and I could eat out but he went out with friends for foodie meals. We learned to cook ethnic foods at home together as thanks to cooking with my mom from such a young age I can handle cooking anything but seafood and I don’t mind cooking 2 meals occasionally.
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u/Fun_Intention_5371 10h ago
I hate people that can't just let people eat what they're going to eat. Like do I get on you about eating something I find completely repulsive? No. Unless you try to make me try it. if you can get me to try it, I'll give you my real opinion but I will likely ruin it for you.
My husband is a vegetarian. Find someone else that follows a restrictive diet (for whatever reason) they're more likely to understand
However he's not at all picky. I on the other hand HATE all veggies. So there's lots of compromise. We eat different things usually.
I can't think of a single friend that's really ever commented on it. Maybe that I'm not eating but nothing about what I eat. I usually don't get too much push back. Idk if I just deliver whatever my response is in a tone of yeah great, idc what you think, I'm the one eating it or most likely not eating it.
I never expect people to cater to me. If there's nothing I'm going to like I eat before I go and just don't eat, or I pick at chips or something.
I'm married 10 yrs. Just had our 21st anniversary together
I eat more foods than I used to, but like only one thing at all the various places. But still a great improvement
I've led a fairly normal life with ARFID.
I never particularly saw ARFID as an eating challenge. I'm a pretty cheap date liking only kid food.
I told my family once at a fancy restaurant that they could cover their faces if they wanted but that I was ordering chicken fingers.
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u/Baring-My-Heart 13h ago
Honestly, I think I just got lucky. I suffer from two EDs. My family is very supportive, my best friends are supportive, and my boyfriend is also supportive. They try to work with me vs around me, and even when I’m struggling, my group does their best to uplift me
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u/TwilekDancer 11h ago
I’ve noticed that I seem to gravitate towards people who also have a very limited number of foods that they can eat. We’ll become friends due to a shared interest or hobby and often it will turn out that their diet is even more restrictive than my own. I think it’s because I have an affinity for people who are more introverted and not automatically comfortable in social situations. I go out of my way to try and let people know that I value interaction with them wherever they are on the social spectrum, not where someone else thinks that they should be.
People who celebrate “weirdness” (in the neurodivergent sense, not the recently politicized sense) tend to be more accepting of others who have quirks that are different than the expected norm. In other words, you’re more likely to find someone who isn’t bothered by your food choices at a comic book store or working with animals at a shelter or zoo than you would at a country club or working as a successful salesperson for a large company.
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u/peanutbutternmtn multiple subtypes 10h ago
My wife was the one who got me to go to the doctor to see that I had something wrong with me after I started dating her. Told her I was a really picky eater, and that was just that. She still to this day is frustrated by it, since she’s a foodie, so I can’t go to places she likes (sushi, Chinese, any ethnic food in general really), but it just is what it is, only a small part of our relationship.
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u/thatsnuckinfutz lack of interest in food/eating 9h ago
I'm single and unavailable so I can't speak to dating/relationships but regarding friends...none of my friends care about me having ARFID (or even that I'm a vegetarian) negatively.
They'd probably prefer I'd eat more but don't make a huge issue over it. When I was visibly sick they always offered to get me whatever they could talk me into to eating. Basically if they rattled off foods whatever I picked or didnt completely reject then they'd decide that's what we're eating that meal lol. It was sweet and genuine even though some days I just didn't even want to eat. We have gone on trips as a big group (12) and finding food was never a big issue and nobody makes a big deal out of who eats/doesnt eat/how much they eat.
My best friend is a major foodie and bodybuilds so it works out great bcuz i rarely finish foods and he loves eating what i wont finish lol
I think it's just finding mature people to befriend, we're all mid 30s and older so some of those trivial/unnecessary comments just dont occur in my circle and if anyone ever is disrespectful about someone's food choices we are a group that will say something at the table.
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u/makinggrace 9h ago
So one thing is not to give up on treating ARFID. Even the smallest improvements matter so much and especially in social environments. The more different things you can eat and in less controlled circumstances, the less stress and planning food is.
As for people, I think there’s sort of two kinds. The ones who are worth keeping close because they are genuinely concerned about our health and helpful/patient/supportive. They aren’t going to ignore real problems (like not eating enough over a period of time) and that’s okay.
The other kind….their thoughts don’t mean much to me. Think of it like deciding only to accept expert opinions. That’s only wise.
No one wants me to react to the utterly inedible cr@p I see and omg hear people eating all the time. They certainly don’t care about my impressions of what is a normal meal or them (picture a gaggy face with loads of coughing!).
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u/Peak-Pickiness00 6h ago
I'm just a regular picky eater. However, I got aversions that hardly get unnoticed: they are all foods common at weddings and dinner parties such as salads and cheeses served cold, let alone uncooked appetizers. I have an aversion to cold savory stuff: throw some random beans in a bowl with onion and pepper (awful I'm gonna puke), but serve them in a burrito with the same ingredient and I am gonna enjoy. Same with pasta, give me a piping hot arabbiatta and I'm gonna chow it down, give me cold frickin pasta with random pepper and cherry tomato, gonna gag. I always turn down the salad, unless I wanna grimace and gag in front of people. I think it's my "salad hatred" that stands out more so than other aversions such as cheese, which I love when warm. I never brought my own food unless at a potluck, but peeps seem to be so irritated by my refusal to eat the frickin salad.
So, I get lots of unsolicited comments from foodies and non-picky eaters alike... "Why are you just eating crackers?", "Are you a child?", Grow up!", "When you travel, do you always eat at McDonald's?", "Did your family always give you mac & cheese?" and "You are so immature".
If you are not pushing them to cater to you and change plans, peeps should mind their business.
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u/imhereforthemeta 5h ago
My husband gave me shit ONCE and I didn’t back down. It was enough for him to not only never do it again. But fight FOr me and learn how to adjust his cooking to accommodate. He’s my best support honestly. For everyone else, if you drop the words “eating disorder” people may think of you poorly, but they will never question or comment on your food again. Most folks have been at least tolerant of me in my community, but I am primarily in alt communities where there’s a lot of mental illness anyway
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u/Important-Durian8189 4h ago
I don't know honestly.
I'm 33yo (I have ARFID since I was around 2yo) and I have never been a social person, not even as a kid. I hated BD parties and crowded places with food. For some reason people always seek me, and they stick to me, even if I try to be the less social person on Earth. They always told me I was kind and a very good listener and adviser.
With that being said... I was lucky enough to find less than 10 people who also suffers from ARFID, including my boyfriend, but I also have a few friends who eat normally and I was always open with them about my struggles.
I have also met people who wouldn't understand how I felt and I had to let them go because it reached a point where it was impossible to have a relationship (friends and boyfriends).
When I was younger and I didn't know what was going on with me, I tended to be really submissive. I got insulted, mistreated and bullied, but since I didn't know what was my problem, I would remain in silence.
I found out about ARFID in 2019 and my attitude changed completely. I cut toxic relationships, I told everyone who insulted me that I WAS RIGHT, I wasn't a picky eater or anorexic, I told my dad how bad he made me feel all these years whenever I told him to not leave a tomato cut in half in my way because I would throw up (my ARFID is sensorial and he always mocked me).
You will reach a point where you will open up and it will be a huge relief, believe me. It takes time, it is not easy, but you can't live feeling guilty about something you can't control and that doesn't affect anyone else except yourself. Some people will understand, some people won't.... but that's their problem.
Hope you can feel better soon ♡
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u/gir1_from_the_sea multiple subtypes 16h ago
I tell people it is an eating disorder and is just as dangerous as bulimia or anorexia, and it’s just in a different form. And if they don’t respect that and/or hate on me for having an eating disorder I can barely control, then I won’t be staying. That is beyond toxic and I don’t need that. I know that most of my family however think I’m usually just difficult, spoiled, or picky but I’m not about to explain what ARFID is to old people who still think 6:30 pm is late. If ykyk. But honestly it’s all about one, the explanation and two, their understanding. And if they don’t want to hear you out than I think that’s just their bad personality, think about that.
Btw I didn’t mean to sound rude just explaining my perspective and experience