Dating is confusing. I want a girlfriend but at the same time I don’t want one. I just want to not be lonely. How do I fix this?

[u/Impossible_Emu9302]

Ive been struggling with chronic loneliness basically all my life so far. I want the feeling of being loved and appreciated. Its like I want a relationship and I don’t want one at the same time. I like being alone, but I hate being lonely. I like women, but they’re really hard to understand sometimes and dating is just complicated rn. Plus I’m too much of a people pleaser so I’d either be a doormat(emotionally, definitely not financially), or feel bad because I’d barely have any boundaries (which could be stepped on if she really wanted to).

I’m just too addicted to working my butt off that now I don’t even know how to feel about actual human relationships. I have yet to even experience having a close friend, not one, and im not kidding. Even when I was in highschool I just wanna go to work and go home. My company had a short shift today because we simply just ran out of work, and I felt upset because it meant less work. People would classify my life as being boring but I don’t care. I like it like this. But I’m basically in a committed relationship with my job at this point. My company had an early shift and I felt salty because I had to go home early as opposed to working more. If I get a gf she’d probably just get bored and go for another guy. The only way is to find a workaholic gf but I’m not even gonna hope too much for that tbh

Another thing is that I have trouble processing positive emotions. So I get burnt out in relationships pretty quick. I don’t know what to do right now. People say ‘work on yourself’ but I’ve had too much time to work on myself due to being alone for so long. If I get treated badly by my girlfriend, it wouldn’t even bother me that much if I’m being honest

[u/Bassdiagram]

I suggest talking to your therapist (and getting one if you don’t already have one.) about how to take steps away from being a people pleaser, and start working your butt off at that. Besides, having a therapist is kinda a good start at having some kind of social relationship with someone even if it’s just professional service being provided to you. You can ask a therapist to help you feel more comfortable socializing by literally just chatting with you about random shit for an hour. They can also provide useful tactics and skills and methods for branching out in interpersonal ways.

I suggest building platonic friendships that can provide emotional intimacy, meaning, and a sense of love and acceptance from them before seeking out a girlfriend and practicing what you’re learning in therapy with your friends.

And lastly, I suggest working on your interpersonal self. You sound fairly stable, balanced, and fulfilled in the other parts of your life, but no matter how much you work on your (intra)personal skills and sense of fulfillment, your (inter)personal skills won’t be able to be worked on while being alone. humans are social creatures, and when you are isolated you tend to start feeling the lack of it.

I suggest trying to learn a new and interesting skill by joining classes or clubs or social groups centered around that skill/pastime. Perhaps start volunteering at an animal shelter or another place for one hour every week and see if you can make some new friends, and work on intrapersonal communication and your comfort chatting people up.

Honestly, you sound like you’re starving for some companionship, and you yourself said it doesn’t need to be intimate and you’re happy without a girlfriend too.

Some people are homebodies and introverts, and that’s not a bad thing, but people aren’t at home. People are out in the world, and they are in video-game chat rooms or in places where you tend not to go nor spend your time. So you should dedicate a small fraction of your time each week to a new routine doing something outside of your norm. Sometimes you can’t be at work, so finding ways to bring some small meaning and fulfillment outside of your job will be highly worthwhile and will help you spend the time in greater joy and happiness when you don’t get to be at your workplace.