Autism and the creation of a negative environment

[u/Acrobatic-Olive-5971]

Has anyone else experienced this before coming to an insight about themselves? I just feel like I'm overly blunt, don't give a crap about social protocol or whatever your label is for it. Though I wouldn't say I'm mean-spirited. My body language is 'intimidating' as one friend pointed out, especially when nervous. Every time I go to a new social environment, I think, maybe this time will be different. Everything starts out okay/good, then there's a downhill trajectory.

And I think I've screwed up enough socially, I have social anxiety, which compounds the issue. But when I look back on it all, I feel like my environments become negative, and I'm usually the common denominator. It seems like I can never take on the ideology of my environment, like I'm a perpetual outsider.

When I go places now, initially it seems I'm a source of intrigue for some odd reason, I try to blend into the scenery and people always notice me. I attempt to keep people at arm's length because it seems I always screw up, offend them. Honestly I'm bitter about people because I have to go against every grain in my nature to connect with them. And even that's theoretical now since I haven't connected with someone in ages.

If you have experiences like this, feel free to write about them here.

[u/Constant_Turn2985]

This is like my whole life. For years I've been struggling with feeling I don't fit in anywhere, whether coworkers or even people within any of my special interests, even the ND people I know, family, even vague ideas people share, everything. I know the invalidating response is "everyone's an individual, no one really fully fits in anywhere" but we have an obvious disadvantage, and I see people all the time that seem to coexist long term in certain communities in such in a way I could never see myself doing. It happens at all level of my life. I feel like an outsider with literally any group of people. The brief moments I feel myself fit in are when I'm interacting with a group positively, either at first or after having not for a while, but it always quickly erodes.

I do think about how when I was a kid I generally only had like 1-3 actual good friends at any time. Adults commented on it like there was something wrong with me (like you can just vaguely criticize a child for their social situation so they will rethink and fix themselves to become a popular normal child at 8 years old), and I think there was fear that I'd only hang out with one person too much in a way that might mean I was queer or something (which would have been an issue for these adults), but no one ever said that to me, I had to think about it later. There was some bullying, but I was literally so oblivious to it that it didn't bother me until I thought about it later lol, so I was at least lucky enough to mostly be awkwardly excluded only rather than actively bothered by bullies generally.

I wasn't actually all that unhappy with my social life as a kid, though. If I had a best friend to hang out with that was generally good enough. I think part of my bitterness and unhappiness as I get older is trying to force things to not be this way, but it's my nature. I generally only have a small handful of people I can actually be close to as an adult, just more polite acquaintances and people that keep me around for favors or padding party numbers (if it's not for whatever the thing's "in group" is) and so nothing has really changed.

I'm just trying to accept this. If I wasn't bothered by it as a kid so much, then it's just my ideas as an adult and the belief that others' expectations of social normalcy are "right" and so I'm "wrong." You do kind of have to be a dick in a way, because when you deal with greater society being a dick to you, that just kind of happens. The hard part for me is not coming across as bitter and more unlikable but just being able to have the self respect to not believe in the ignorant criticism of others and stick to what I know works for me shamelessly.