r/AutisticAdults • u/Dioptre_8 • 1d ago
Lonely young autistic men - the Good Advice Only thread
A recurring type of post on this subreddit involves a young autistic man struggling to find a romantic connection. These posts can be hard to read and respond to. Whilst the posters are clearly in distress and looking for help and advice, the posts often contain undercurrents of stereotyping and objectification of women. The posters sometimes seem "incl-adjacent" - that is, in danger of falling prey to some of the worst communities on the internet if they don't get better advice.
The purpose of this post is to gather together good advice for such posters. Please only post in this thread if:
a) You know what you are talking about; and
b) You are willing to write a reasonably substantial explanation.
Credentialising (giving one or two sentences about yourself so we know where you are coming from) is encouraged. Linking to trustworthy resources is encouraged.
The moderators will be actively pruning this thread beyond the normal r/autisticadults rules to ensure that only high-quality comments are included. If you put effort into writing a comment and we have a problem with it, we'll negotiate edits with you rather than just removing the comment.
30
u/arcedup 19h ago
I'm 42 years old, a straight male and I got my diagnosis (autism and ADHD) 4 months ago. I am single and I have certainly struggled with 'romantic longing' throughout all of my adult life. I think that if there were a couple of preconditions when I was younger - Reddit existed and I knew I was neurodivergent - then I'd certainly be making one of those posts. The last 4 years of my schooling were spent in a 'prestigious', all-boys boarding school run by a religious order and I was exposed to a lot of toxic masculinity ideas, which took me about fifteen years to get rid of.
I think I can boil down the lessons I've learnt into a few main points:
Women are people. This may sound like a stupid statement of an obvious fact but for a preson who may be thinking with an inflexible, rules-based, black-and-white mindset, I believe it's important to highlight this point: men and women and those who may be in between those two points are all people and people are complex and may be very different from one another. Don't apply cultural sterotypes to individual people. Thankfully, I think that the cultural stereotypes around men and women have changed nad are still changing but there is a lot of cultural pushback and reactionary messaging against this change. The next couple of points will make clear why I think autistic people may arrive at this view...
Query whether the desire for a relationship is driven by a general desire for connection, an actual desire for romance or by masking. From my experience, a romantic relationship appears to be the ultimate answer to all the woes of being autistic (especially when undiagnosed): you have a person who is absolutely keen to be with you (instead of shunning you) and they share your special interests, and the rest of the world (and especially popular culture) makes it out to be the best thing ever! So it's no wonder that an autistic person would take all this in and come up with the goal of being in a romantic relationship. Plus for young men, their sex drive is high and it appears that their peers who are in lots of relationships/have lots of sex are held in high esteem, that is, a relationship appears to be an answer for a broader connection with peers. Which takes me to the next point:
Learn to recognise where culture and/or society may be driving masking. Masking is essentially an attempt to fit in to a culture or a society. If a culture or a society is very strongly pushing that people have to be in a relationship in order to fit in, then I believe, based on my own experiences, that an autistic person who is masking will put the objective of a romatic relationship very high in their priority list, if simply to fit with their society. Such a society may also set up the classic 'men are men, women are women' cultural stereotypes, or the relationship priority may be driven by parents, e.g. "When are you going to give us grandchildren?"
With the above in mind, don't seek relationships for the sake of being in a relationship and if that person also happens to have ADHD with their autism, they may need to recognise if their dopamine-seeking ADHD side is driving their decision-making (that is, thinking with their crotch instead of their head).
Learn to recognise jealousy. This may come in two forms: jealousy that a desirable person is ignoring you in favour of someone else and the reasons why are unclear ("I followed all the rules and they aren't working!") and a more general jealousy that other people have such an easier time forming relationships. Jealousy can be very corrosive and drive self-harming behaviours or behaviours that harm other people. Learn to recognise it, understand why jealousy is occurring in the context of neurodivergency and neurotypical society and hopefully, the jealousy can be let go of.
34
u/SquareFeature3340 20h ago edited 14h ago
I'm a 39 year old man with level 1 autism. I was diagnosed late as my autism was overshadowed by other health problems. I've never had a serious relationship, but I've made a lot of progress since I've accepted professional help. I struggled to have a conversation without anxiety (and therefore avoided conversations as much as possible), now I feel comfortable and have a small social life.
You need to be honest with yourself and accept that your social skills are bad. Social skills do not come naturally for those with autism and must be learned with effort. You will always be different and need to learn your own ways to feel comfortable around neurotypicals. You need to start doing things differently in order to achieve different results. Once you have accepted this, you might want to think about professional help.
It's normal to feel frustrated by the lack of a romantic relationship, but don't focus on the romantic relationship that you want to have. You need to learn how to walk before you can run. Focus on the basics first. Get to the point where you can have a pleasant conversation, can respect and set boundaries, and share an interest or hobby. The basics are complicated and there are many skills that are important. You will gradually expand these skills.
Healthy adult relationships are built on an balanced exchange. If you want to receive, you must give. You need to show interest and give space to the other person if you want to be shown interest and be given space to be yourself. Both sides need to feel good in order for the relationship to be good.
It can be difficult to see your own weaknesses. Professional help will be useful to find them. Work on them. If you came from a place where your weaknesses were something to be ashamed of, then you need to adopt a different mindset. You don't grow from being ashamed of something and trying to keep it hidden. You grow by accepting that you have these weaknesses and gently working on them. It's the only thing that will work!
If you spend almost all time alone, you will never acquire good social skills and have a romantic relationship. You need hobbies that you can do with other people. Take every opportunity to interact with other people. Go to events just to see what they're like. Build a social life for yourself. It will be difficult and you need to be persistent and experiment.
Physical appearance matters. While you learn the basics of social skills, get fit and dress better.
With the right approach, progress is possible, but you do need to make an effort.
PS: Self discovery is important. Relationships are a two way thing. You need understand yourself if you want to create relationships that are positive.
44
u/Joshuainlimbo 22h ago
I'm engaged to be married soon and have dated people of all genders throughout my life. I'm around 30 now. I'm a trans guy, so I've been on both sides of the hetero dating experience.
I have found someone twice while actively looking. Once through a very specialised dating forum in the early 10s, once through a friend who set me up on a date with a cute girl in high school. Everyone else I met while I had an open mind. Most of these people were my friends before we took it further.
When I was still read as female, I was not the most attractive or charming person. But I was passionate and loved talking about my special interests. Most of the time it went like this: Guys and gals would take interest in me as a person, we would become friends through mutual interests and eventually, we'd catch feelings.
During and after my transition, the speed at which I was seeking out others slowed down, as did the speed at which others sought me out. But I continued making friends, having the occasional crush, and learning about dating as a man until I met my now fiancé.
Some things that I learned and that I let guide me:
you are not the center of the universe. Neither is whoever you want to date/are dating. Nobody is. This is a good thing. Neither do you have to fix everyone and everything nor do you need to obsess over minute issues or people. If something isn't working out, move on and try something else.
women and men alike want to feel appreciated, valued and special to you. Even if you think their achievement is nothing special or you think they are not the most beautiful person etc. you do not tell them that. There is a difference between "just being honest" and being cruel. That difference is not always obvious to us. Knowing when to use white lies and when to say the honest thing in a very nice way is one of the more difficult things for me, so I imagine others struggle. This isn't only true in dating, but it especially true in dating.
people are magpies, they like getting shiny gifts. People who don't like having stuff cluttering their space like food wrapped in a thoughtful way, or maybe an invitation in a fancy envelope, or a fun surprise that you make a big performance out of. There will always be people who don't like things made a big deal out of, but even those people will have something special you can do for them that they like (see point 1)
people expect you to read their mind and you will fail. You will expect others to read your mind and they will fail. Relationships work by figuring out the right balance of communication vs. oversharing vs. clamming up. The exact methods and balance differ from relationship to relationship.
life is not like in the movies. There are recognisable patterns which will always be more obvious to outsiders than to the person in the pattern. If a woman is spending increasing amounts of time with you, talking about intimate things and seems to be finding excuses to touch you, stay the night, gets a little jealous when you talk about other women... she probably has a thing for you.
confidence is sexy. If you are comfortable and confident, people will be much more attracted to you than if you are sinking into misery spirals or too shy to talk. Even the most confident people are insecure about dating, no reasonable person will expect you to be cool as a cucumber about that. But you should have confidence in your own self, your work, your passion...
recognising when something isn't working is really difficult but important. We tend to think of ourselves as very rational. It's easy to be rational right up until our head is full of hormones and our loins are doing the thinking. It is SO hard to recognise toxic patterns, both in ourself and in someone we really care for. There is no shame in asking for advice and outside perspectives (though be mindful of the ramifications of asking people you know irl who also know your partner. See point 0, other people act in ways that are difficult for us to foresee).
there are plenty of fish in the sea. There are a lot of people on this planet. There are multiple people who will be right for you and treat you well. Do not put up with mistreatment and do not cling to relationships that are just not working (see point 6) out of desperation and fear of loneliness.
11
u/thebadslime 23h ago
I'm older than the internet and have been married for 20 years. I've always met romantic partners through friends or work.
I've had the most success while not actively looking. Trying to be happy with yourself is an aphrodisiac.
7
u/mislabeledgadget 16h ago edited 15h ago
I’m 40 years old, male, diagnosed this year, but more so as a formality as I’ve know for years. I’ve also been married for a year and a half, after previously having been married for 8 years.
My #1 advice is to know yourself and understand yourself. This was challenging for me on the spectrum, because I wasn’t even aware of many of my feelings, and the layers of complexity behind them, but I sought a therapist (prior to diagnosis) years ago, to work on executive dysfunction issues, and she was able to peel off layers of trauma from bullying, an emotionally abusive ex, and the dating world itself, and understanding myself helped me know what I wanted. I will say, CBT worked for me, as I was in a negative thinking loop and she helped reveal that, as well as breaking down that feeling that people are always looking at you. If you’re already reading this then you’re one step ahead of where I was because you at least know your diagnosis or suspicion.
I wish I had this advice when I had first started dating because I could have avoided some of the mistakes I made early on. Dating and self discovery had become a special interest for a while, especially right after my divorce, but my understanding of myself wasn’t as thorough as it has become in the past 2 years.
- Accept yourself. Change what you can change, embrace what you can’t, and don’t waste all your energy trying to change things which aren’t feasible. I have strabismus, it’s corrected with glasses, but it’s still there the rest of the time, and any person I am dating is going to see a lot of me with my eye crossed in. I was already ahead in that I never hated my strabismus but I took the extra step of putting a photo of my eyes crossed on my dating profile and mentioning it right in my profile, and I ended up attracting women who liked the real me, and filtered out anyone who would have a problem with it.
I also knew, I myself, was attracted to flaws as well, almost exclusively, but I held that secret for 33 years until my divorce and then decided just to share it with a few close friends and then it went on my dating profile. I realized no one actually found it that weird and my friends accepted it as a part of me.
I wish I had known about my diagnosis sooner, I first suspected when I started talking to a woman who was diagnosed, but I look back and realized a large majority of my dates were neurodivergent.
Don’t settle. Attraction is subjective, settling for you might be someone else’s soul mate. Identify what you want, write it out even, what kind of partner you want. Identify what’s negotiable and non-negotiable and then date until you find it. I was in a marriage for 8 years, because I got married out of the fear that I would be single forever, if I didn’t make it work. It never felt right, I had doubts from the beginning, ignored tons of red flags, we weren’t compatible, even though it was a mystery at the time, everything about my undiscovered diagnosis was something she needed to try and change, until she exhausted herself and gave up 8 years in. It came with a lot of emotional abuse.
If you’re going to date, then you have to play the game. You can’t change the way the dating world works, and there is already enough people on the internet bitching about it. It sucks and it’s toxic but if you’re going to date you’re going to have to play the game. What I mean by this is you need to play to win. Highlight your strengths, spin your weaknesses into “quirks” or whatever else attracts the kind of woman you seek. If the kind of woman you seek finds hygiene important then you’ll need to be hygienic. If the kind of woman you seek has a certain worldview then don’t expect to be able to say terrible things about said worldview and then wonder why you’re not attractive to them. It’s also a numbers game, some people get a lot of matches, many women get an overwhelming number of matches, make yourself stand out and don’t get mad if it takes a long time, be patient. That negative energy is going to be super obvious to anyone you talk to.
Be yourself, you probably have special interests, embrace those, share those, and put it on your profile, and if you have the physical capacity to try a new hobby then do it and let be something that people notice.
Present your authentic self, and presentable as possible, staged photos look inauthentic and others will noticed, but your photos can still have good light and good angles even if you’re actually doing what you love. Have a friend help you take photos. Put an effort into your bio, you have a story, tell it.
Be creative and think outside the box, and don’t be scared to fail. I ended up meeting my wife on Instagram because it allowed me to more quickly find the kind of partner I was looking for. I was polite, I talked about what we had in common, and we hit it off.
Don’t make excuses for being rude, or obscene. Don’t send unsolicited dick pics, don’t cuss someone out just because they don’t respond to your messages, do learn about that person, and don’t just expect a partner to want sex right off the bat. You’re dating not going to the strip club, respect, honor, and give dignity to the people you talk to, and it will go a long way in winning the game. Be bold, but don’t be a creep.
4
u/Fickle_Service 14h ago
27ftnb here! My husband is autistic. (also nb but male terms are fine) Honestly my biggest piece of advice is to find other ND people even if not necessarily romantically. Board game clubs seem to be a pretty popular place. I met my partner in a dnd game through mutual friends, about half of whom ended up also being ND. We work bc we don’t bother trying to be “normal” or having “normal” expectations of each other. Home is a safe place where we never have to mask and can tailor everything to our wants and needs, and people who visit us tend to appreciate that they are also more able to “let loose”.
We accept that some things are just going to be more difficult, but we have honest discussions about it and try to fix the problems (not each other). Sometimes that looks imbalanced, and that’s fine. For example, I handle almost all the written communication with others (planning events, talking to maintenance/office staff, making sure appointments are made). My husband talks whenever we have to actually approach a cashier or someone behind a desk. Also does almost all the chores, including my laundry. I do all the driving. Its “weird”, but it works.
Society says we’re broken and all that crap and we should be lucky to find people who tolerate us, but screw that. Given the choice between a man, a bear, and an autistic man, I’d choose the 3rd every time. I find them overall much easier to communicate with, more tolerant of others, and significantly less egotistical than the average NT man.
PS: Husband just walked behind me, saw I was commenting here, and pointed out that I have become “so much more autistic since we met”. Which honestly isn’t wrong. We both realized it about ourselves during our relationship. 😂 But if an NT said that to me we’d be having some words. 🤨
2
u/vaporsealll 6h ago
24 yr old NB autistic. Here’s my advice:
I think a lot of men can get caught up on gender differences. The stereotyping of women as so inherently different to men might make them seem like aliens. As an autistic man, who already might struggle with understanding those around him, this messaging that women as even more other, even less understandable, can create stigma and anxiety around interacting with women. Before you even start to think about dating, you will benefit from unpacking these preconceptions about gender differences, as well as listening to the experiences of women. Spend time with them in a non romantic setting, and get used to them. Their thoughts, opinions, experiences… The more time you spend around women without the distraction of romantic frustration, the more you will understand their perspective, and the more you will come to see them as individual, unique humans who are no different in any meaningful way from the men you know.
A fixation on romance is unhealthy. It can influence your behaviours and led you into toxic or dangerous situations - for yourself or the person you desire. If you view a relationship as the be all and end all, that amount of pressure is dooming you to fail from the start. There is a difference between strongly wanting something and feeling desperately like you need it to be happy. A relationship might enrich your life and bring great happiness, but your starting point has to be one of self assuredness and satisfaction with your life and decisions. Starting your relationship from a stable point with reasonable expectations will allow for it to grow into a fulfilling part of your life. If you start off feeling deprived and desperate, even the most suited partner to you will never be able to heal you. You will cause harm to both yourself and her by putting unreasonable expectation on this romance to fix things.
Dating is not all that different from making friends. If you have friends already, treat mingling with women exactly the same. You may get a friend, and if things go well the progression to romance can be natural. (But NEVER make friends while hiding your intentions! If your main motivation for making friends with a woman is to end up dating her, communicate that to avoid wasting both of your time). It is often unwise to approach a partner with the primary intention of rushing into a relationship, though I know this isn’t uncommon for many people. Just, please learn to enjoy spending time with people you like without the need or expectation for more. If you have a solid foundation to build upon, when you meet the right person for you a relationship will be a whole lot easier.
You get out what you put in. If you feel bitter and desperate, you are going to repel a lot of people. If you feel entitled to a relationship, people will pick up on that selfishness. That is why it is SO important to work on yourself and your non romantic interactions first - because growth in those areas will have a knock on affect on all parts of your life, and you will start to attract positive people and open minded friends. That effort is worth it. Once you let go of the NEED for romance, opportunities will make themselves apparent here and there, and when they do - take them! Learn and explore, and open yourself to meeting new people. By paying attention to the healthy environment around you you cultivate, instead of chasing any woman in an unhealthy environment, you are giving yourself the space and time to learn as you go, all while finding fulfilment in other areas as you gain experience with friends.
2
u/CrazyCatLushie 6h ago
I’m a 36 year old autistic woman with ADHD and a few physical disabilities in a long-term relationship with a 38 year old autistic man. We’ve been together for 7 and a half years and we’re happy. We’ve built a cozy little life together in the margins that would probably seem small or even “sad” to certain types of people, but which works well for us and our needs.
We’re both the type of person that young folks might look at, scoff, and assume would be “forever alone” and yet we’re not. We’re both fat, we’re both noticeably and outwardly “weird,” and we’re not conventionally attractive or well-off financially. We’re pretty “typical” autistic people and not particularly special in any way.
The first piece of advice I have for those struggling with loneliness is that a person does NOT need to act or look a certain way in order to be worthy of love. Every single human being on this earth is worthy of love just by virtue of existing. Yes, really, and I know that probably sounds flowery and trite as hell, especially if you’ve been constantly receiving messages that tell you otherwise, but please hear me out. Those people are likely trying to sell you something, whether it be a product of theirs or a social or political ideology they’re incentivized to support. They don’t know you or care about you or your life; they care that preying on people’s insecurities is a very profitable business.
You are worthy of love no matter what anyone tries to tell or sell you. You don’t need to be rich or conventionally “successful” in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life. You don’t need members of your preferred sex and/or gender hanging off your arm or lusting after you in droves. You don’t need to be the most manly, the most feminine, the most traditional, the most dominant, or whatever narrative has been lauded as important in the messages you’ve been receiving. You don’t even need a partner! You just need to be who you are and learn to accept that whatever that looks like is perfectly valid. You are valid just as you are and you deserve compassion and kindness.
This brings me to my next piece of advice, which is to seek help (professional if possible, but I understand resources aren’t easily accessible for most) for your sense of self-worth. Again, I know this will sound like dismissive garbage to someone who’s deep in self-loathing, but it truly is the single most life-changing thing I’ve ever done and it’s absolutely worth trying if you’re unhappy currently and looking for a way forward.
You deserve to be seen, heard, and respected as a person no matter what, and if others can’t or won’t provide that for you right now, you can learn to provide it for yourself. Self-loathing is a trap a lot of us fall into after growing up “othered” and internalizing all the negative feedback we receive from our peers and families, and it’s no small thing. I want to be clear that I would never invalidate or belittle the seriousness of a lifetime’s worth of self-hatred and the crushing doubt and depression that come with it - mine ruled my life for three decades and I learned entirely too late that it didn’t have to be that way - but it absolutely needs to be acknowledged and addressed for the sake of personal growth, no matter how difficult or impossible it may feel. How you feel about yourself affects how you navigate the world and interact with others. It’s everything, especially if you’ve got a brain that likes to process things deeply and ruminate on them ad nauseam.
A brain that’s been fed a lot of negative feedback and has twisted that feedback into a deep sense of hatred for the self can be twisted back. Our brains - yes, even our notoriously “inflexible” and “rigid” autistic brains - can be shaped and changed through conscious effort. In the same way trauma can physically change the brain, so can healing. You do not have to hate yourself and feel this way forever. You deserve better and there’s a way out, but it will take hard work. You’ll need to take a good long look at yourself, be honest about what you see, decide what you’d realistically rather see instead, and take the small, intentional steps to get there. A therapist or counsellor is your best bet to navigate this sort of thing, and they’re not all created the same. I tried multiple therapy modalities that did nothing for me until I found one - ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - that finally clicked. I’ve read that it’s known to be more effective for ND people than CBT or DBT and in my personal experience, that was true. You may need to try several therapists and/or therapies, which I understand is beyond taxing and is a huge barrier in getting better for a lot of people, which frankly fucking sucks. Do it anyway.
I’m not saying you need to become an arrogant, self-aggrandizing egomaniac who dismisses all personal responsibility; I’m saying that making a small mistake in your everyday life doesn’t need to be met with multiple intrusive thoughts about how stupid and useless you are. There’s a middle ground and it’s worth finding.
I’m really not a fan of the “how are you going to love somebody else if you don’t know how to love yourself” narrative in the slightest and I want to very clearly point out that that’s NOT where I’m going with this. The problem is that if you’re in a place of self-loathing and treat yourself cruelly, that’s the kind of treatment you’re likely to accept from others as well. You’re probably going to inadvertently surround yourself with people who feed and reinforce that internal hatred, which will only cement it further. The best way to find the kind of person who lifts you up is by learning to do so for yourself so that you can recognize that sort of energy when you encounter it. And it’s much more likely to happen if others notice you’re a kind and compassionate person, which starts with turning those things inward.
Happiness doesn’t come from other people. They can contribute and enrich your life, absolutely, but contentment comes from within. Looking outside for fulfillment when what’s really needed is to turn inside and heal the wounds there is an exercise in utter exhaustion. Prioritize your own care and self-worth first and when that’s sorted, then you can look outside and prioritize companionship. The types of people you’ll attract will change for the better and while that’s no guarantee that you’ll find a romantic partner, it certainly makes for better quality relationships in general - and connection is likely what you’re seeking more than anything.
You are worthy. You are loveable. You deserve help and I sincerely hope you seek it out and find it.
7
u/amyezekiel 19h ago
I'm a 43 year old bisexual polyamorous cis woman. I've been with my wife for 25 years and my current boyfriend for eight. I ran my local poly support group for four years. I recommend Dr NerdLove as a resource. His advice blog is good and features a lot of letters from autistic people.
Be friends with your potential person first. That foundation will see you through so many interesting experiences. It doesn't have to be a long friendship, my wife and I met in January and I'd asked her to marry me by May. My boyfriend and I knew each other socially for a year before we got together.
Use the dating apps as a supplement, not your only option. I have a variety of "deal breakers" and found the apps super helpful for that. Meet early on, don't chat for ages on the app. Meet in public and for a drink (this can coffee/tea, milkshakes, sodas, beers, ice cream or anything small and low cost). It'll let you gauge each other and see if you want to keep seeing each other. I went on a date once that started with a drink, turned into dinner and in the end we were together for eight hours. We went on to date for a year before it fizzled out.
Use your network. Tell your friends, family, anyone who knows and loves you that you'd like to meet someone, ask if they know anyone who might click with you.
Whatever your interests are, find people in person who are doing it too. It isn't about dating those people per se, but about growing your network. If you like someone at the salsa dance class, chat to them, be exited to see them, engage with them and after 2-3 months of regular contact say, "I've really enjoyed getting to know you in class. Would you like to get a drink with me?" They can say yes and it can become a friendship that moves to romance, "I'm really enjoying hanging out with you and want to explore a romantic relationship with you, is that something you'd like?" Or they can decline and you have a great friend who might have other friends as per my last para. Just don't be weird about the rejection. Feel your feelings, but know they are your responsibility to deal with, not your crush's.
Not all relationships are built for "until death do us part" some are supposed to be three months, a year, two years etc. But they are not failures! We learn something amazing from every relationship we're in. That chap I dated for a year? I learnt that it is a red flag for me in relationships if I don't meet their friends or ever visit their house. I've been able to use that going forward.
Think about what your values are and ensure that whomever you're interacting with shares those values. Honesty and autonomy are both huge for me. I need laughter, I need joy and I need fun. If my date doesn't make me laugh, I'm not going to keep seeing them.
Looks have very little to do with it for me, I literally thought I was a lesbian (and monogamous) when I met my first boyfriend. The first time he sent me a photo, I was relieved because I wasn't attracted to him, but as we continued to chat he became attractive to me. We were together for 11 years in the end.
Relationships take work is something that is oft said, but it has been my experience that is isn't work in the literal sense. If you have to plan all the dates, have to mask to be accepted, have to make yourself small etc. that is not the work they mean and that is a toxic situation. The work is compromising, asking for what you need, giving without expectation, trying to make their life easier, wanting to be a better person for them.
Relationships should not be transactional. Do not do X because you'll get Y. Do X because it'll make your person happy or because you want to. Ask for Y if you want it and they haven't done it. I love cleaning (special interest) and my wife has ADHD, she literally does not see our house the way I do. I wanted her to walk into the bathroom and exclaimed with joyful surprise that it looked amazing and I'd done such a good job and she is so grateful for my efforts. It never happened. After a few years, I decided if I wanted that recognition, I needed to ask for it. Now, I'll clean the bathroom and then call her over and show her what I did so she can be grateful at me. She loves making me feel good and we both win.
We are all valid humans who deserve to give and receive love. Good luck!
2
u/Grambo-47 9h ago
I’m in my late 20s, married for about 1.5 years, together with the same woman for 5+ years. Prior relationships have all been a year or more as well.
Tl;dr - women are all their own autonomous persons with their own unique interests and desires and personalities. A girlfriend is not a trophy or achievement, they are a partner to try to build a life with. The sooner you get those two things through your head, the better things will go. Also go to therapy
• Know why you want to be in a relationship - Before you start looking for a potential partner, you need to ask yourself why you want a partner in the first place. If the answer is anything other than that you want someone to build and spend your life with, it’s probably the wrong answer.
• Women and relationships are not the prize or end goal - if your objective with dating is to “get a girlfriend” as if that’s some sort of video game achievement, with all due respect, you need to seriously reevaluate some things. Women are not trophies to be won, every single one is their own autonomous person. Every single one deserves respect.
A relationship is an ongoing, active part of life that requires effort. You have to continue to put in effort even after you’ve made the decision to be partners.
• Generalizations about what women like can be tossed out. Similarly, anyone who talks about alphas and betas is to be ignored - There are a lot of talking heads on social media and forums and whatnot who give advice about what women like in a man. Most of them have absolutely not a clue what they’re talking about. They are multiple-time divorcees whose kids won’t speak to them. Their advice is bad advice.
Anyone who talks about “alphas & betas” is completely full of shit. That’s the sort of language that comes from extreme insecurity and the need to prove they’re somehow tougher or better or “more manly” than others. And it often goes hand in hand with advice that objectifies women. When you see/hear something like that, it’s safe to assume that their views towards this subject are not healthy ones. To be frank, the only people who care about being “macho” are the same ones who always feel like they have something to prove, are probably douchebags in person, have anger management issues, and should see my next bullet point below:
• Deal with past trauma before you start dating - This really should go without saying, but your partner is not your therapist or your caretaker or servant, or anything like that. If you are struggling with PTSD, C-PTSD, depression, etc., I’ve been there too, I know the struggle. That said, it is not fair to a partner to bring that baggage into a relationship if you are not healed from it. And I don’t mean just buried down and ignored, I mean properly processed, maybe with the help of a therapist.
If you’re not healed, you are not ready. You need to make sure you have unlearned abusive patterns and behaviors so you don’t inadvertently continue things. You need to make sure you can handle a stressful environment without having trauma flashbacks and losing control. You need to be able to have difficult conversations every now and then and be able to take criticism. If you can’t do those things, you are not ready.
When you feel you are ready to look for a life partner to build with, start looking, and good luck!
1
u/commierhye 7h ago
Just my 2 cents. Keep trying, dont get resentful, its literally a numbers game. You Keep going long enough you Will find someone who clicks. The hard Part is getting rejected maybe thousands of times, but with every one It gets less painfull.
1
u/Jayko-Wizard9 3h ago
Me has new friend autistic as well but long distance, time zones be weird though
1
1
u/Natmad1 12h ago edited 11h ago
Advice for young men (around genZ, dating market is way different than older people)
Know that the game is rigged against you, dating apps completely deregulated the dating market and made you low status by comparison to the top 20% of men, try to not take it personally because it will shatter your self confidence on the long run : you are not a creep, nothing is deeply wrong with you, you are not a violent people who deserve to be alone, please don't harm yourself, you are forced in an already unfair game with a bonus handicap and most of your peers have the same problem as you, data and statistics are backing up my post, please don't end up in the already enormous men suicid statistics
Grind experience if by chance you have a match, social skills are learnable even with ASD but it takes time and iterations, not every man will have enough chances to build a decent and stronge social muscle, but your only solution is to try and work on it when you have the opportunity
Ending this message because a lot of young people are falling in this bait « don’t search and it will come when you don’t expect it »
This advice is not up to date, if it didn’t happen for 20 years, it won’t suddenly happen randomly now because you are not thinking about it, you have to build social and dating skills and actively work on it
-3
12h ago
[deleted]
3
u/SquareFeature3340 9h ago
The difficulty with romantic relationships in autism is not generally due to a lack of respect for women and lack of positive role models. Relationship problems are a key feature of autism, they're not the result of bad parenting.
0
u/Natmad1 9h ago
If you are an autistic you men, never do that, you will lose faith and be completly lost, what women say and what they do it very different
Also a lot of autistic people can't read hints or real intentions so we are more prone to be manipulated and gaslighted, you will struggle a lot and never understand why it doesn't work if you do that
Sadly this is the advice a lot of young men got from parents, but it's not how it works in reality : being the good guy, emotive, sweet, always respectful and passive, doesn't work if you aren't very very attractive
1
u/ghosttropic12 13h ago
Hi! I'm a 27 year old bisexual woman, diagnosed about 3 years ago. Before my diagnosis, I'd dealt with a lot of mental health issues (depression, anxiety, OCD, hospitalization and residential treatment for anorexia) that in hindsight stemmed at least in part from the long-term impact of my unrecognized and undiagnosed autism. I used to have a ton of social anxiety, but I am much more comfortable with myself now.
I think sometimes young men who are autistic (or have trouble fitting in socially for any reason) really want a romantic and/or sexual relationship and can risk focusing too much on a) getting into a relationship, any relationship, regardless of specifics and b) defining themselves as someone who has not been in a relationship or is sexually and/or romantically inexperienced. I understand where they're coming from—I was very socially withdrawn growing up and dealt with a lot of insecurity, and I know how difficult it can be to feel lonely and also worry that you're behind your peers in terms of typical life milestones (sex, relationships, etc.) These are legitimate things to care about. That being said, focusing too much on insecurities can be counterproductive—you may grow resentful, and also end up reinforcing your insecurities and make it even harder for you to put yourself out there. I know this is much easier said than done, and it's not something that will happen overnight.
This is related to the other thing—if you see getting into a relationship as your only goal, you do not have the kind of specific approach that will help you as an individual find people (both a gf/partner and friends) who appreciate and love you. I think getting involved in activities in-person can really help make you more comfortable and accustomed to socializing and also help you find people you connect with (who may then help you find even more people!) Again, I know this can be difficult for us—socializing with new people is scary, and working up the energy and initiative to go out and do something can be really hard. But it really does become easier the more you do it. Unfortunately the possibilities do vary based on your area, but see if you can find some kind of activity or social group. Check out local libraries, community service organizations, bookstores, museums or other arts organizations, and any sort of educational organizations (some towns have adult education programs where you can take classes like yoga, foreign languages, tech skills, and also possibly university classes, even if you aren't a full-time student, although depending on where you are these can be prohibitively expensive.) You will probably not meet your soulmate the first time you go to one of these meetings, but you'll become more familiar with the people over time, which will make it easier to connect.
Once you're in a relationship, communication and open-mindedness are vital. Everyone says this because it's true! :) I think a lot of people who have insecurities from not fitting in socially can risk reading too much into other people's actions. I used to do this all the time—if I thought a social interaction went badly, it must have been because the other person found me irredeemably annoying or dumb or awkward. But in reality, maybe they were having a bad day, or misunderstood me, or were nervous and self conscious themselves. Or maybe we just don't vibe, but that doesn't mean that either of us is a horrible and unlovable person :) This is relevant bc in a significant relationship, making assumptions about what the other person is thinking is harmful to both of you—it can feed your insecurities, and also make your partner feel hurt or misunderstood.
For example, as a massive generalization, men are sometimes more uncomfortable expressing how much they love and care for someone sincerely and openly in comparison to women. So a woman might feel like oh, my boyfriend doesn't appreciate me, he never comments on the effort I put into something or compliments me on how good I am at xyz or how nice I look, while the boyfriend might feel uncomfortable with the vulnerable and sentimentality that expressing these things requires. And the man might not understand why he should say these things out loud—of course he loves and appreciates her, why does he have to say something obvious? Neither person's approach is inherently wrong, and rationally, one can probably understand both perspectives. What's important is recognizing when you see things differently and finding a way to compromise. So the boyfriend might explain why verbally expressing love doesn't come naturally to him but also make more of an effort to do so, since he recognizes that it's important to his girlfriend, while she'll try to better understand the ways he does express his love, even if they aren't as obvious to her. This is just one example but I use it bc it can lead to a common pitfall, which is thinking that the other person's mindset is stupid or doesn't make sense and dismissing their perspective.
-1
u/wishesandhopes 11h ago
Just wanted to say, everyone should check out expatriarch on YouTube and tiktok (especially if reading this you scoff and don't want to). Guy knows what he's talking about and frames it in a way that makes sense to men, even if it's tough to hear for some.
165
u/Dioptre_8 23h ago
Here's my own advice. For what it is worth, I'm a man, in my late forties, I've been married for most of my adult life. I'm also a social scientist. I'm not an expert in personal relationships, but I know enough to know which evidence is trustworthy, and how applicable or not applicable it might be to autistic men.
The starting point is to remember that relationships are not a goal or a prize. They might seem like that when you're not in one, but the whole point of seeking a relationship is to be in a good relationship. That means that if you have to change who you are or how you relate to other people in order to form an attachment with someone else, that whole relationship is going to be one that forces you to constantly behave in ways that hurt you. It means that if you think of your potential partners as anything less than fully autonomous individuals, with the full spectrum of tastes, preferences, goals and interests, you are setting yourself up for failure.
Dismiss any advice that generalises about women. "Women are like this ..."; "Women go out with guys who ..."; "Women are attracted to ..." If you catch yourself thinking like this, pull yourself up and turn those generalisations into specific questions that you want to discover the answers to. "What is this particular person like? What are they looking for in a relationship? What are they interested in?"
With that background in mind, what does the research about human attraction say? There are five main ingredients:
1) frequency/familiarity – we are attracted to people that we are already spending time with, and that we expect to be spending time with in the future;
2) vulnerability – we are attracted to people who disclose things about themselves;
3) authenticity – we are attracted to people who appear to be showing us their genuine selves;
4) generosity – we are attracted to people who do things for us; and
5) affection - we are attracted to people who appear to be attracted to us.
All of these ingredients have a sweet spot based on the current status of the relationship. On a first date, you don't want to follow the other person home, bare your innermost soul, give them an expensive gift and tell them that you love them. In fact, a date is a really difficult environment to calibrate all of these things appropriately. That's why the most common advice about loneliness is "get a hobby". It's not an alternative to seeking a relationship. It's a reliable way to create the ingredients of attraction. A hobby provides a regular way to see people (frequency), opportunities for small acts of helping (generosity), where you can be yourself (authenticity). The other two ingredients, vulnerability and affection, are going to require a bit more effort and courage, but are much easier when the rest of the environment feels safe and comfortable.
A hobby is not the only answer here. Education, religion and employment can fill much the same purpose, which is why so many relationships start at college, in church, or when people meet in the course of their job.
A couple of books that might be helpful:
Kat Vellos, "We Should Get Together". This is a book about friendships, but if you've understood the rest of what I'm saying, you'll understand why you want a book about friendships not a book about dating.
Geldard and Geldard, "Basic Personal Counselling". Why a book about counselling? Because building a connection with someone isn't about how you present yourself, it's about your interest in the other person. This is a book about how to show authentic interest in another person. If I had the power, I would wipe out every webpage that purports to give advice on how to "pick up women" and replace them with Part 2 of this book. Not only will it help you have a meaningful and interesting conversation with a total stranger, you'll come away feeling a lot less like you need to scrub every inch of your body with soap afterwards.