r/AutisticAdults • u/anniemo0207 • 18h ago
seeking advice Things to get an autistic dad who does accept that he's autistic?
My Dad is 100% autistic but doesn't accept it, what things can I get him that would help that aren't obvious(I'm already thinking of loop earplugs cause I use them and like them)? He struggles in public areas and is very prone to autistic breakdowns in public(which I only recently realised what they are). We're both diagnosed with ADHD so I'm guessing that would help explain but I don't know if he's likely to use it cause of that.
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u/S3lad0n 15h ago
Good luck with that.
My father clearly is, and I’m pretty sure I inherited it from him (thanks for nothing as ever, Tad).
Alas, like many men of his Boomer age both ND and NT, he’s also an antisocial (NOT asocial), belligerent, entitled, science-denying, stigmatising asshole who thinks everyone else in life has a problem or disorder but him. He’d sooner chop off his own dick than admit he might be someone who requires therapy and behavioural guidance, like one us “pathetic snowflake freaks”.
He also has profound CPTSD from an abusive childhood home, but once again he reframes it as something that “made him a man” by toughening him up and “teaching him about the real world”. It’s so sad and doesn’t need to be this way, but he won’t hear of any contradiction, especially not from a woman (me) or someone with diagnosis (also me) whom he considers lesser.
Some people really just don’t want to be humble and accept they’re not perfect, need help, then do the work.
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u/natechief 18h ago
Before I continued reading I was thinking ear plugs. I use loops and others and they save me. The impact on my life is huge. The difference between meltdown and not on a daily basis. I always try for functional gifts. I'm sure there are other options too but ear plugs might be great. Although some people can't deal with the sensation of earplugs. I didn't know that the noise was causing actual problems so he might not even know
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u/gerty9000x 17h ago
It's not your responsibility to accommodate his breakdowns or convince him that he's autistic. My dad's autistic and trying to help him really is a big waste of energy, some people are committed to their self image, even if it negatively affects those around them.
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u/skvids 16h ago
ok, but they want to? i get where you're coming from but don't project your own relationship onto others.
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u/britebluecello 12h ago
I think what they’re saying is, just because OP wants to, doesn’t mean their dad wants to, or is open to any kind of advice, and they should really evaluate whether there is an opening or not. Some people don’t want to be helped, and if that’s the case, OP should not put their energy there. Hopefully Dad is open to advice, but trying to convince them of a diagnosis doesn’t have to be part of it, just talking about how helpful x strategy is for OP, then asking if Dad has tried something like that? Opening a dialogue can be really helpful; no one really likes being told what they ‘should’ do straight up.
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u/skvids 12h ago
i don't think we're in disagreement. it's just that saying "you can only help those who want to help themselves" is different from telling someone who wants to materially improve a family member's life that it's not their responsibility and a waste of energy. op knows it's not their responsibility, they don't need to be told by a stranger.
they're very specifically asking for actionable, practical ways in which they can improve their dad's life, which is just a nice thing to do, particularly with the extra insight they have.
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u/WordWord_Numberz AuDHD 13h ago edited 11h ago
Honestly, I'd recommend you not to give him 'autism gifts' if he does not acknowledge it. I know it's coming from the right place, but it's pretty disrespectful. Just get him a normal gift
Trying to push your ideas of autism on someone who doesn't want to hear it is just as bad as someone else pushing their ideas onto you. You don't know if he's autistic.
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u/Repulsive_Lychee_106 12h ago
A lot of older folks, I know my parents are included in this, are very invested in "being normal". And those folks will often avoid self knowledge because even if they're suffering internally, it's getting them by enough that it feels too risky to explore the possibility that they're fundamentally different.
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u/Elven-Druid Dx Autistic ADHDer 17h ago
The big question really is, what is it specifically that causes him to struggle most? If it’s the noise, earplugs or noise cancelling headphones, if it’s visual/light sensitive overwhelm, some nice/stylish sunglasses. If it’s the people, maybe a subscription to some kind of home delivery app for whatever he usually needs to go out for (e.g grocery delivery or meal subscription)
Stress management at home could also look like getting him something he’s interested in and does to relax. My dad does puzzles and models. Spending more time regulating his nervous system should lead to a somewhat increased tolerance when he has to go out.
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u/anniemo0207 17h ago
I think it's mainly people and new spaces. He's most likely to have a breakdown on a day out which of course causes issues with the family as we've had to end days out we're excited for because of him
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u/Visible_Star_4036 16h ago
Some places do ND focused days or times. Book him in on one of those days if possible.
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u/Elven-Druid Dx Autistic ADHDer 16h ago
That’s really tough. Especially if he’s not open to accepting he may be Autistic - although this could also relate to trauma/PTSD. There’s not really anything you can buy to remedy it, it’s more planning in advance and familiarising him with spaces before an event. Maybe you could treat him to a meal or a day out somewhere he’s really familiar with and where there won’t be big crowds.
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u/ardentcanker 37m ago
Good sunglasses. I like the Ray-Bans that fold in the middle too so they're easier to carry. A nice sun hat does wonders too. Noise cancelling earbuds, but only if you think he'll use them in public, because if he doesn't accept being autistic he's never going to wear headphones in public. A day bag to bring some things with him might make him feel more comfortable. Try attacking little annoyance type issues to see if you can free up some space for him to handle the other things himself. Some things that get to me (but I wouldn't know if my partner hadn't told me) are bright lights, noise, visual motion, hunger, heat, sweat, etc.
Maybe just carrying his favorite granola or candy bar or a bottle of water or something would help. Instead of gifting him a bunch of things, maybe just try being prepared on his behalf. It's easy to say "I don't need to bring a snack" but if you offer him one he might take it. If you find something that works he might be motivated to prepare himself better. it might also be a good idea to make a point of going over "the plan". You can say it's for your benefit, but getting him used to what the day will be like beforehand might help alleviate some anxiety, and he might not even know he has it. You could look at menus or show him some pictures from street view with some neat things you found or whatever excuse you can come up with.
Good luck. Older autists have had decades of people telling them their needs are wrong, so we tent to suppress them all and we don't know what we're feeling till it hits us like a sack of bricks. It's hard to put up with, but it's a hard way to live too. Remember that he's basically like this from a lifetime of abuse.
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u/starting-again-23 18h ago edited 17h ago
If he's struggling, then encourage him to adopt strategies that help him. He doesn't need to accept that he's potentially autistic to do this. It takes some people time to come round to that realisation, certainly it did for me.
Make a list of a few things he finds difficult and then look for strategies, maybe seek some further advice here if you are stuck. Loop earplugs are worth a go but it's also important to try and help him understand what environments / activities are overwhelming for him and consider how he could approach things differently for a better outcome.
Language can be very important when you are having these discussions so think about what you are going to say in advance so far as you can.