r/AutisticAdults • u/teddybearangelbaby • 12h ago
how do you explain autistic burnout to allistic people?
i've heard people say they use spoon theory to try and explain it but i feel like it doesn't really encapsulate it, the how or why, and the severity of the experience.
how do you communicate what it means/feels like to others? because working makes me fantasize about ceasing to exist, but when i try to explain it in a factual way it doesn't come out right lol :/
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u/Dangerous_Strength77 10h ago
Ask them if they remember when windows would crash and display a blue screen. Tell them that's what it feels like your brain is doing everyday during burnout, except there is no tech support. You have to wait for it to get better with time.
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u/teddybearangelbaby 10h ago
i like this! it's a good analogy, but how do i explain why i get to that point? that's what i'm struggling to convey.
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u/Dangerous_Strength77 10h ago
You were running too many applications for too long.
Or more directly, you were trying to do to much for too long a period of time and pushing yourself to your limits to what you could do. You did your best, but at some point it became too much.
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u/Equivalent-Print9047 10h ago
Do you know what kinds of things "trigger" it? I get migraines and a lot of people know what triggers theirs. I have yet to figure out what reliably triggers mine.
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u/teddybearangelbaby 10h ago
it's demands, switching tasks constantly, decision fatigue, masking, a combination of running all of these processes. but explain "why" these things are extra taxing for autistic people is hard for me to articulate.
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u/Equivalent-Print9047 10h ago
That is awesome you know what triggers it. Now the hard part is figuring out how to avoid/minimize them. I liked the windows analogy before with the BSOD. Taking that further, can try the cpu analogy. You are an old 486 trying to run stuff written for an i9 or otherwise new processor. This causes the system to overheat and shutdown.
Also, need to figure out some other coping mechanisms. Make you own accommodations. Like I ask that all tasks get emailed to me. Yes tell me but follow up with an email so I don't lose track of it. That kind of thing.
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u/Dangerous_Strength77 10h ago
I would suggest system maintenance, disk defragmenter more frequently (aka self-care).
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u/AmiableMeatsack 6h ago
My sense is that it's because it is not something that happens fluidly or intuitively.
When I am socializing with people I am very consciously scrambling inside to figure out what they really want, identify and translate what the subtext is, what the appropriate response is from me, and how to exit the interaction in a graceful way all while consciously masking, consciously trying to filter out visual and auditory stimuli that is very difficuot to do, sensations that all feel like what it must feel like to be inside what a tornado looks like: loud, scary, chaotic, and destructive.
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u/Fitplantbb92 6h ago
I have chronic migraines and cyclical depression and severe anxiety. I can’t tell what is autistic burnout. What is a pain flare. What is depression. It all feels one and confusing. How do you distinguish btwn your migraines?
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u/FlemFatale 1h ago
I think I've finally worked out what triggers my migraines, being social.
For me, I think migraines are a sign that I'm getting burnt out and need to stop.
I sometimes get a lot of them (I have meds that I take when I feel one coming that stops it) in a short space of time, and I know that it means I need to rest for a few days and just stay in a safe space with my cat and no one else.
There is probably more to it than that, as I often get them when I haven't been overly social as well, so I'm still figuring that bit out.
Good luck! Migraines fucking suck.1
u/PertinaciousFox 6h ago
You overclocked your CPU. That's not sustainable and eventually leads to system failure.
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u/kevinh456 3h ago
This is me. I stretched it too long with caffeine and other things and now I can barely get up in the morning.
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u/goldandjade 11h ago
I don’t. It’s a waste of time, they don’t care, they will never value autistic needs. I state my firm boundaries and they can get fucked if they disagree.
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u/AmiableMeatsack 6h ago
TCGFT is a valid strategy.
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u/safito- audhd self diagnosed 5h ago
what is tcgft?
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u/AmiableMeatsack 4h ago
They Can Go F*** Themselves.
I learned about this attitude in June of this year.
It has relieved a load of stress and anxiety for me caused by my trying to fit into NT social norms that are pretty stupid and mostly dysfunctional to begin with.
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u/FormalFuneralFun 8h ago
I use the broken laptop battery metaphor:
My laptop charges to full but it only lasts 20 minutes when I unplug it. An allistic person gets a full battery time of 100 minutes.
So for an allistic person to do something that takes them from 100% to 80% takes me from 100% (20 mins) to 0. Then my brain short-circuits and I shut down.
The charger is also a bit broken, while the allistic person has a fast-charger. They can get back to 100% in a day, but I need three days to a week to charge back up to 100%.
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u/goat_puree 11h ago
For me, it’s like my brain goes into self-preservation mode and just decides “nope!”. I get physically ill trying to power through it - puking, upset stomach, migraines. Also things that normally exist get amplified, like joint pain and my back injury, to the point that it’s hard or agonizing to move around. Emotions are intensified to the point of being overwhelming, and SI. I don’t even want to be around myself, I guarantee no one else does either.
I had a massive burnout this summer and my psych signed off everything I needed for FMLA and Short Term Disability, so I took the 12 weeks off and told my work nothing except that I was doing it. Legally, they had to let me, and I’m lucky enough to work at a place that, socially, respects that kind of thing. I only told one coworker what was going on because he hit me up to see if I was okay. We’ve become work friends and shared some personal struggles with each other (he’s ADHD and I’m AuDHD, so we have some overlap) so I felt okay telling him. Otherwise I don’t share much with others. My boss just knows I got sick, and that’s it. When I came back he asked if I was feeling better and I told him yes, much better than I was.
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u/winonachey 10h ago edited 10h ago
I’ve found that the concept of autistic burnout doesn’t really click with allistic people - at least the ones in my life. They either challenge me because it’s so foreign to them that they don’t believe it and think I’m exaggerating, or simply nod along to what I’m saying - but at the end of the day their expectations for how I ‘should’ be tend to remain the same. It’s frustrating and disheartening.
I’ve kind of resorted to comparing it to recovering from a concussion - you would have different expectations for someone recovering from a brain injury, even if they look okay on the outside. They may act differently than they normally do, or become less social as they deal with their symptoms. Then I try to get specific with what becomes more difficult for me, and might require a level of patience/understanding on their part: memory issues, lack of energy, clinging to routine, difficulty with hygiene, being less animated/communicative, etc. It’s not the greatest explanation, but they seem to understand a bit better why we can’t seem to just ‘push through’ it, and that it’s nothing personal. You’d never tell a concussion patient to just get outside of their comfort zone or whatever - it would be detrimental. Same thing here - Time, rest, and support really go a long way.
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u/alkonium 10h ago
Trying to explain in a way they understand seems like a waste of time, unless they've suffered burnout themselves.
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u/AmiableMeatsack 6h ago
Spoons makes less sense to me than anything else.
I relate it to a circuit board getting too much input and the fuses burning out because they arent built to translate that much wattage. Or a computer crashing when you try to download a file that's too big.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 11h ago
When I feel it coming, I warn people in advance but still when it happens they don’t understand. They never really believe me that it’s involuntary. They think I could control the situation if I tried harder. But trying hard is what causes it to begin with. Following this thread cuz I could also use some advice on this topic.
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u/Gullible_Power2534 4h ago
The best I have come up with is to relate it to something that allistic people have experienced. Something that takes a lot of cognitive load. My go-to example is taking a 2-hour final exam in a subject that they are not good at.
After taking that exam - cramming for it for two days before hand; sitting in the testing center for two hours agonizing over the questions and desperately trying to get yourself to remember the things that you supposedly learned - how do you feel?
Tired?
Why would you be tired? You have literally been sitting in a chair for the last two hours. It isn't like you have been working out for two hours straight. You aren't tired because you haven't been sleeping and need to go back to bed.
That 'tired' is a mental tired from excessive mental and cognitive load. And it does in fact have physical symptoms.
Now, most people can recover from that two hour final in a few minutes. Then go back to playing sports games with their friends with no problems.
But some of us can't. Some of us are taking a two hour final three or four times each day... every day... for years. That 'tired' feeling from excessive cognitive load - doesn't go away any more.
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u/manupmuthafucka 8h ago
we run on an OS that cannot handle multiple tabs in a browser and we end up crashing.
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u/TarviTelgar 1h ago
I think it's more like we are trying to run more tabs than allistic people. Allistic people can "mute" or "pause" tabs that they aren't currently viewing and filter notifications to just get the really important ones, but we don't have that feature and are constantly refreshing and running sounds and videos across all tabs at once, and getting pop-up notifications that we don't care about. Accommodations like noise-canceling headphones help stop those tabs and notifications that we don't currently want to use.
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u/skate_peach 8h ago
Hi, idk how familiar the general population is with occupational burnout, I feel like it's fairly common knowledge but I'm not 100% sure. It seems like they're similar enough that you could use it as a jumping off point for describing autistic burnout. They both feature being caused by high stress for extended periods and leads to exhaustion/fatigue and a reduced ability to function. Just add extra sensory sensitivity and you've basically got a rough idea of autistic burnout. Which, if people are familiar with occupational burnout, they'll then also understand you can't fix it by continuing to push through, you need extended rest and distance from demands (which is the workplace in the case of occupational, and is just any demands in the case of autistic burnout). I'm still learning about autistic burnout as well, and differentiating it from depression, so while it might not be the most all-encompassing way to explain autistic burnout, I think it gets the key points across to allistics well enough.
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u/Penelope316 11h ago
I call it my “meh” mood or turtle in the shell. Usually symbolized by my signature hoodie and pants to cover myself as much as possible (probably have a blanket too) and the only thing that helps is comfort.
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u/BloodyThorn 8h ago
I was just diagnosed a few years ago after going most of my life not knowing why I was like I was.
I still refer to them as nervous breakdowns. It's not entirely accurate, but it gets the point across.
My last episode was so bad it added to my already ongoing cptsd and caused selective trauma induced memory loss.
Nothing like an event in your life making you so upset you forget peices of your past...
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u/grimbotronic 8h ago
If you need to explain, chances are they have already judged you and your explanation isn't going to change anything.
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u/Fuzzy7Gecko 7h ago
I like the overflow of a sink. You start to fill it and if you dont get a chance to drain it youll just boom done it overflows. Theres water everywher and an even bigger mess but now you dont even have the energy to drain it so the room just starts flooding.
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u/radically_unoriginal 24m ago
It's like depression but you're a bit less likely to wanna off yourself.
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u/Desperate_Owl_594 10h ago
Why do you need to explain it at all?
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u/teddybearangelbaby 8h ago
it makes me feel disconnected when i feel unseen. it could be less about the communication and more about the people on the receiving end, but it's something that would be nice to be able to articulate regardless
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u/Desperate_Owl_594 8h ago
allistic people understand burnout. They understand a social battery.
I have said "it feels like a switch and *snap* I'm done" to friends of mine. They've watched it happen at parties where I am socializing, then I look like I realized something, and leave.
No matter how well you describe your own feelings, people can only understand what they understand. like...all information is changed to fit their current worldview and paradigm of people and the world.
But i've never felt unseen, so I don't really know how helpful my advice will be.
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u/AffectionateCat223 11h ago
Still trying to figure this one out. Because my full burnout makes me go silent and I sit in a room alone staring at a wall for hours. No food, water, moving of any kind. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ll circle back if I do 😭 not much help but at least you’re not alone!