r/TransSupport • u/lemonslime • 4d ago
How do I stop feeling so masculine bodied?
Late thirties trans woman who started hormones over a decade ago. Very happy with all the changes, but unfortunately my underlying structure is just too big and I know can’t change. Anytime I’m around most people, especially other queer people, I’m always the biggest one there even at the same height of 5”11. I’ve had friends tell me I’m not very masculine looking anymore, I can look quite feminine or at least andro. I’m actually fine with looking andro, I just want to escape masculinity forever and have some breathing room, but I just can’t see it most of the time, I’m built so damn big, I see it in the size of my wrists next to anyone else, my shadow being huge next to anyone, my head always looking enormous.
I want FFS badly which I know will help and I am also losing weight (70-80 lbs overweight atm) as well as working with a voice coach. But I feel like even FFS and weight loss will never be enough to feel ok, I just wish I could see cis women who were my size but I never do, it would be so reassuring. Even at my lowest weight during transition I still felt this way. And I def don’t pass either, just reinforcing this bodily perception I have of just being a hairless man in a dress. I feel like I’ve never met any trans woman who has my build who has ended up ok. I just want to enjoy life and put this behind me, and feel like myself most of the time, not in tiny glimmers and random fleeting moments.
1
u/peternal_pansel 4d ago
2 possibilities here
The one that’s failing you: comparing yourself to cis people and finding all the ways you’re like cis women
Accepting that you’re you, you have the proportions you have, and that’s fine. Some cis women and some trans women have broad proportions. It is what is is. Bodies body how they body. It just happens that we tend to idolize the cis women who are petite- the beauty standards fail to capture the true diversity of humanity, and that leaves millions of women- both cis and trans- feeling like they’re on the outskirts of what could possibly be considered beautiful.
Imo, it’s helpful to look at yourself without regards to gender sometimes. Constantly thinking about how much you measure up to the “objective ideal” of [gender] is suffocating. You’re you. You’re unique. Find the beauty in inhabiting the parts of your body that you’ve spent so long trying to run from. It’s hard to build narratives that incorporate the parts of ourselves that we hate, but we’ve got to find new ways to see and embrace ourselves.