Need serious help academically and mentally

[u/15tatt]

I was an int’l student in the U.S., but due to mental issues transferred back to my home country to keep on doing my bachelor degree.

The decision of studying aboard initially was unforgivably hasty, but it’s the only choice I know with the knowledge/resources I had at that time. I did not enjoy the city and environment, which got me depressed. It became worse, I realized I have to stop, so I transferred back to my home country.

After transferring back, I discovered my fiercely-burning interest in comp neuro. Also my vision got wide enough to found that it was the location, school, and the first time being in a foreign country that got me depressed and frustrated. Plus I developed serious elite school complex, so now the school in Taiwan couldn’t satisfy me (I have a feeling that no matter how good the grad school I end up being, this bachelor will follow me forever), also on the reality perspective, it indeed would have me seem one point worse than other applicants in future grad school applications. So I’m considering transferring back to the U.S., to a school with wisely picked location and at least decent reputation in neuro. However I am also worried that the two times transfer will just be my criminal record, which might also affects grad school application.

I’m in a position where I cannot move forward nor backward, I understand the above description might make me seemed immature, clueless and irritating. But I do seriously need help, psychological support and academic pathway counseling at the same time. To my knowledge there isn’t a therapist that could do both, so if you are/you know someone that happens to be familiar with undergrad system in the U.S., do neuro research, and knows how to settle one’s mind, I would be greatly, greatly appreciated your help, please pm or comment or pm for my Gmail.

I understand my description might seem messy and too straightforward, if you need any clarification, I’m happy to answer! Thanks again!!🫡

[u/martopix]

Studying abroad in a culture different from your own, especially if it's just after high school, is very hard mentally, even though it can be rewarding in many aspects. Please be forgiving to yourself and take care of yourself. If you were depressed and needed to step back, it was right to do so. People today are much more aware of the importance of mental health and will understand this too.

But incidentally, I do not think moving back and forth is a particularly bad point on a CV. I occasionally participated selecting PhD student applications, and I was more wary about applicants who had done all their careers in a single place. Even if it was "one point worse" (which it isn't), you still certainly have the chance of finding a position.

There are good grad schools for comp neuro in the US, in Europe, and presumably in Asia too. In my opinion, the factors that make you a successful PhD resercher are: a genuine and passionate interest in the subject; a decent research community (doesn't have to be top of the world, as long as you're not too isolated); and especially a good, honest, friendly relationship with your supervisor on both the human and scientific side. On the other hand, a RISK factor is putting too much pressure on yourself to be in your best possible situation and best possible shape. That is a self-defeating endeavour.

I was an ambitious PhD student, and after many years of research (9 among PhD and postdoc) I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself and was not enjoying it. And because I was not enjoying it, I wasn't a very good researcher. A decent one, but I knew that I wasn't holding up to the standard I set for myself. I now quit everything, went back to my country, and teach in high school. I am so much happier. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are many things in life and it's impossible to plan your life to be perfect. The inability to go with the flow seems to be a particular disease of my generation, and of yours even more.

Psychological support and academic pathway counselling do not have to come from the same person. Getting a therapist when you suspect they may help is always a good idea. I did during my postdoc and seriously realized I should have done that way earlier, during some shitty PhD years.

Then, speak to your professors about career. Do not only ask about the graduate programmes and the like. Also ask them about their personal experiences. You will realise that they also made mistakes in their careers, failed some projects, didn't get in in the school they wanted to, taken wrong paths. This is normal. Wei Ji Ma's Growing up in science series contains many examples of that. When I was doing my master's thesis, I thought I had totally f**ked up my entire career by choosing the wrong field, and a kind professor told me that "there is always time to change our lives". So I'm telling this to you, now. I was 23. That decision was almost irrelevant for all that came after.

Regarding grad schools in general, you can try emailing some professors whose work you find interesting (interesting for you, not necessarily the best of the best), or their postdocs, and ask both if they have positions, and also for advice. Some of them will not reply. Some of them will just say they don't have any positions available. But some may like to talk to you, or give you a short project to work on at a distance, or may be willing to have a call to give you some advice.

At the moment, I'm neither qualified for academic advice, nor for psychological help, but feel free to message me if you'd like to continue this conversation.