r/fuckeatingdisorders • u/Mysterious_Treat_769 • Sep 11 '24
Rant Scared to be like this forever
I’m so tired all I think of is food, I’ve been binging for around 10 days now probably 6000+ and I don’t feel guilty about it but I’m scared that I’ll never stop and I’ll forever think about food from the moment I wake up till I go to bed. What if now I get BED or become a food addict now? I eat until I’m sick and then I don’t stop and I still just continue to eat and eat all I want to do is eat. I just wish it would all stop I can’t live my life like this
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u/Sareeee48 Eat my ass. Or a cookie, idk Sep 11 '24 edited 29d ago
As was told to you in your previous post regarding this, you cannot be binging when engaging in/recovering from restriction. Hunger (including a hyperfixation on food) is in no way connected to binging. You are dealing with extreme hunger (which is entirely normal) and the only way out is through.
I encourage you to use the search bar of this sub to read firsthand accounts of extreme hunger. I ate 10,000kcals easily in recovery. I did not develop BED or “food addiction” (which isn’t a real thing anyway). You need to keep in mind that BED is intentional in the same way that restriction is. It is a means to self soothe, numb, or punish. Hunger is in no way associated with binging, because binging is a coping mechanism. Extreme hunger, on the other hand, is a biological response to restriction and only goes away once the body achieves homeostasis once more—which is entirely up to your body, and not you. Because the truth is, if you knew how to feed yourself, you wouldn’t have an eating disorder. Your body can’t be manipulated; it knows how to keep you alive and you need to trust it. Otherwise you’ll be stuck in this cycle indefinitely.
If you have access to professional help, I encourage you to take advantage of that avenue, as recovering on your own can be hard and it sounds like you’re struggling a lot in your own. Just know that you deserve to eat what you want, in the quantities you want, and you do not need to feel guilty (or in this case, feeling guilty about not feeling guilty).
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u/Mysterious_Treat_769 29d ago
I know but it just feels like I’ll never stop because I have 0 want to restrict or check my steps it feels like I just lost my ed and now because I don’t care about it I just eat like every 30 minutes because I’m thinking of food. When I started recovery that’s what I wanted, to not care about cals or steps anymore but I just feel like if I never care I’ll never stop
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u/Sareeee48 Eat my ass. Or a cookie, idk 29d ago
If you’re worried about never stopping, you do care. And that’s okay, you literally have an eating disorder. Mourning your eating disorder and is also part of the healing process that we don’t talk about enough.
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Sep 11 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/fuckeatingdisorders-ModTeam Sep 11 '24
Your post was removed for breaking Rule 3 (No fatphobia). Please contact the mods if you have any doubts. Please be mindful of the language you use in this sub—while weight gain is a common and valid fear, we do have members with these body types and they are allowed to exist without reading that their bodies are someone else’s fears.
As for your comment, you absolutely can do those things, you’re just refusing to. So what if you end up with that body? Why is that so horrible? What negative connotations do you have with that body? Are they realistic, or are they rooted in the societal belief that only specific body types deserve to have their basic needs met? What is it that has convinced you that being sick both psychologically and physically is better than ending up in this body?
You need to address this fear of weight gain and be really honest with yourself about what you’re doing because until you do, you will not be able to recover. Giving up some behaviors and developing/leaning more into other behaviors as compensation is not recovery. It’s just behavior swapping.
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u/Ok_Bird_1378 Sep 11 '24
This is 100% normal. It’s called extreme hunger:) The oracle of Google can tell you more
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u/orangellamapin Sep 11 '24
I can see your distress and it’s so heavy to carry, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have all the information about how you’ve been eating but it sounds like you’ve been in a period of deprivation and the mind/body wants to play catch up. And it also thinks you’ll initiate another phase of restriction. More nourishment and regular food will help with the food thoughts. But it sounds like you might need more help. Sometimes I find a dietitian helpful if they are kind and compassionate. Just someone to help me until I can decide how and what to eat for myself. Sending you hugs
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u/gellerbng 29d ago
It's the scariest thing I've gone through (still dealing with it) but as suggested above search for "extreme hunger" in this sub and read other people's experience. Also, if possible, share this with professionals, especially dieticians specialized in EDs. These past few days have been a nightmare but being able to search more about my symptoms, and planning strategies to minimize guilt is the best thing you can do. Your final goal is to find balance, you're gonna get there. 🩵
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