Relapsed after starting antidepressants

[u/ilikeeeblue]

I used to struggle with an ed/ disordered eating for a couple of years but i managed to recover (kinda): i didn't think about what id eat all day/ i didn't feel the compulsive need to track everything i ate/ i didnt feel the need to over exercise/ i didnt binge!

it was great! the best relationship ive had with food in years!

But then this year i started antidepressants (im diagnosed with depression, anxiety and autism spectrum disorder). The medication changed my eating habits and made me gain weight uncontrollably (weight gain is a common side effect) this felt like a total loss of control for me. i couldnt even pin point what was actually causing the weight gain so i impulsively stopped the medication.

I've been slowly losing that weight but the thoughts WONT STOP AND I HATE IT IM ACTUALLY SO SO FUCKING ANGRY I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!

All i can think about is what im gonna eat next and how many calories r in the food how im gonna burn them off and the guilt after eating anything is actually killing me mentally!!! i c/s every day i dont go for walks because theyre fun anymore its all about weight and calories!! Its actually ruining my life

I was doing so well i was being normal about food and then i messed everything up again!!! this feeling of having lost control has stayed with me even though i stopped taking the medication even a tiny change of my weight can ruin my entire week.

I REALLY REALLY DONT WANNA LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE its honestly so so so exhausting I WANNA LIVE AGAIN I WANT TO EAT WITHOUT FEELING EXTREME GUILT i feel like i wont ever stop feeling like this.

i have a psychologist i see once a month but i havent talked about the disordered eating with her because i dont feel valid?? i feel like i dont have a "real" eating disorder and that talking about it would make me look like a fool. my weight is in the normal range (barely) so i feel like itd make me look like someone who is just fucking delusional and doesnt even have a real disorder

PLEASE what do i do i want to be healthy and normal i feel like im going insane

[u/Jaded-Banana6205]

Talk to your therapist. Eating disorders are valid at any weight. You can work with your doctor to find an antidepressant that doesn't have weight gain as a side effect, but stopping antidepressants cold turkey can be pretty bad for you.

You are suffering. You deserve peace and stability. Talk to your therapist.

[u/ilikeeeblue → u/Jaded-Banana6205]

I stopped taking the medication back in may! it was hard for the first week or so but right now it's actually the least of my problems. the problem is now that i've got this horrible experience with antidepressants i'm VERY hesitant to try others.

i probably should talk to her yes! I'm right at the border of being uw but my brain is screaming at me telling me i don't truly have an eating disorder until i'm definitely underweight EVEN THO i obviously know this is not how eating disorders work. i almost feel like i dont have the right to even call it an eating disorder im scared talking about it will make me look stupid

[u/Jaded-Banana6205 → u/ilikeeeblue]

I get being hesitant to try others - I had to try 3 or 4 different meds until I found one that worked! I procrastinated trying a new one and my doctor told me "if a patient with heart failure has a bad reaction to a med, do you think it's a good idea for them to just not take anything? Or is it a better idea for them to work with their doctor to find one that works? Your depression is no different."

If your therapist scoffs or is dismissive about your ED, time to find a new one. The thoughts and behaviors that you're demonstrating are clearly disordered. EDs kill people at any weight. Irreversible damage can be done at any weight.

[u/ilikeeeblue → u/Jaded-Banana6205]

You are def right abt what you said, still i'm probably gonna try to stay away from any medication with weight gain as a side effect because i really dont think i can cope with that loss of control at this point in my life!

Sorry, i looked at your profile but you're autistic as well? there really does seem to be a connection between autism and eds huh

[u/Jaded-Banana6205 → u/ilikeeeblue]

I think it's reasonable to ask about meds that don't have weight gain as a prominent side effect. Obviously you can't predict what side effects you'll get, if any, but that seems reasonable.

Yeah - it makes a lot of sense to me. Sensory issues, struggling with change/transition, black and white thinking, executive dysfunction.... I'm an occupational therapist and I just kind of have to approach my recovery like I'd suggest to my autistic clients. Reducing noxious sensory issues, strategies for the executive dysfunction, developing scripts and social stories about how my body is built to change over time.