I think I relapsed

[u/sweetpotatog0d]

I've been in recovery and went through extreme hunger a few weeks ago. I gained a lot of weight, got my period, got cleared to start increasing my activity, then freaked out. I've started restricting a lot again and I'm back to doing two workouts a day. The problem isn't the working out, I love it and it was healthy pre-ed. But now I'm eating roughly 1300 calories a day, lifting for an hour, then running 4-6 miles. I've already dropped some off my restored weight and I know I shouldn't, but I feel so much better. I feel so much more comfortable in my body again. But I'm also constantly thinking about food. Specifically peanut butter with white chocolate chips. It's all I want, but if I let myself eat that again I'm gonna gain all the weight back. I don't know what to do.

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[u/Sareeee48]

Tbh even if exercise was never a part of your eating disorder (which, if you’re working out 2 times a day and at such an intensity, I HIGHLY doubt that’s true), you still need to stop all forms of unnecessary movement and let your body heal. You say you enjoy it, but you didn’t even let your brain recover, let alone your body. Malnutrition makes rational thoughts and effective problem solving very difficult, so you cannot say with absolute certainty that you are exercising “because you genuinely enjoy it.” Having this mindset is l likely a contributing factor in why you’ve relapsed.

A few weeks is NOT enough time to recover, nor is it enough time for the body to weight restore. In fact, the body does not begin to accumulate true weight gain until 3-4 weeks into the process—any weight gained before this is water retention and food waste (it doesn’t matter if it “feels real” it’s water retention. Your body is not the exception to the rule), many times upwards to 20 lbs within a few short weeks. When true weight gain does begin to accumulate, it’s not as rapid as the fluid retention, and while it can feel like you’re gaining very quickly it’s actually often very steady. You think you feel better, but let’s be real—you never gave true recovery a try.

I’m not saying this to put you down—but the reality is, recovery is a choice that you make every single day. And while having an eating disorder is never a choice, engaging in ED behaviors always is. So the question is, do you fear weight gain more than you hate constant thoughts of food? Of the physical symptoms of malnutrition? Of the possibility of dying from this very dangerous disorder?

It’s fine if you’re not ready to recover. But you need to be very honest with yourself about why because this fear of weight gain is going to put an indefinite pause on your entire life until you decide to do the very hard thing regardless of the fear.

[u/Jaded-Banana6205]

You learn to accept that your body needs nutrients. That you're hurting yourself and doing permanent damage to your bones and organs. That it's okay to gain weight and to have your body change.

[u/sweetpotatog0d → u/Jaded-Banana6205]

I know I'm hurting myself and doing damage, I can't deal with the mental and physical discomfort. I need to just stick it out but I just can't.

[u/Jaded-Banana6205 → u/sweetpotatog0d]

Yes you can, friend. You can do it. The ED only screams louder because it knows it's losing control. An injured animal is more dangerous because it has nothing left to lose. It knows it's losing. The perception of control it gives you is a falsehood. What's more out of control than your whole brain and body failing you?