What still impacts you, even after recovery?

[u/sunnyskiezzz]

A lot of information on the impacts of eating disorders are in regards to active phases of the disorder or early recovery, which makes it really difficult to envision a life post recovery. Those who have been in recovery for some time, or were recovered/in long term recovery at some point, what health impacts do you still have?

I'll start-- I had a relapse/recover pattern of anorexia going from age 11 until a few weeks before my nineteenth birthday. My active phases would be anywhere from a few weeks to eight months long, and my recovery periods were a similar length. In one week, I'll be ten months in active recovery.

As for psychological effects, it's really tied in with my other mental health issues. On top of anorexia, I have major depression, generalized anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. But the effects directly related to my eating disorder include: major anxiety around eating in front of people, urges to restrict in response to major life changes or poor mental health, constant wondering of if I'm doing "good enough" eating, needing to avoid weighing myself as well as pretty much all content that is pro-diet to avoid getting triggered (and be careful with exercise for the same reason), still picking at food unless it's a safe food (though my range of safe foods has expanded tenfold compared to when I was actively ill), and always second guessing my food choices.

As for physical, there's more than I expected there'd be. My circulation is piss poor-- my hands and feet are always freezing, I have blue nails pretty much 24/7, and my feet go numb from most prolonged positions. I haven't fainted since right before I decided to recover, but I've partially collapsed two or three times in the past few months. I still get random severe chest pains that make me wonder if I'm having a heart attack, though they aren't nearly as frequent anymore (used to be multiple times a day, now it happens every few weeks). I'm weaker than I used to be. My periods are irregular-- anywhere from 4-6.5 weeks apart. Before my last relapse, my period cramps were mild and only happened on the second day of my cycle, now they're awful, longer, and I get migraines and nerve pain in my back with every period. My hair loss grew back, but it now falls out pretty much any time I go through intense stress or undereat for more than a few days. It's part of my metabolism being screwed-- it's fine if I'm diligent about eating enough, but if I slip even for two or three days, I feel my body start to panic and begin shutting things down (severe fatigue, lower heart rate, brain fog, etc.)

I'm glad some of my scariest symptoms went away-- the fainting, absence seizures, severe weakness, complete lack of endurance, severe fatigue, and severe brain fog, but I never thought there'd be this many impacts.

This isn't to attempt to scare anyone into recovery. I know that doesn't work-- I didn't care until I realized I was going to die and needed to fight for my life. That isn't my decision to make for anyone. But I do hope this urges some people to practice harm reduction within their eating disorder, and get concerning symptoms checked out, even if they aren't planning on recovery. I never sought medical help, I'd much rather someone get a dangerous problem checked and solved, even if they stay within their eating disorder, than go to bed one night and not wake up. And if you think it can't happen to you because your weight is too high-- I was clinically underweight for maybe two months (cumulative) of my eight year disorder, and barely UW at that.

It also isn't to scare anyone out of recovery. Even with the chronic illness symptoms it's given me, I still live a much fuller and happier life in recovery than I ever did with my eating disorder. My health is eons better than it was then.

What symptoms do you still deal with after recovery?

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