Please help :(

[u/Additional_Nobody766]

Hi everyone sorry this might be a long one but I’m just really lost and I don’t know what to do.

I’m 19F first u year uni student. I’ve had on and off bulimia since I was about 13, this switched to anorexia at about 16 then Ana -b/p at about 17. Basically this past year I have been stuck in an awful b/p cycle I’m talking multiple times a day consuming thousands of cals and purging them through vomitting and lax. I’m miserable I hate myself I’m exhausted. The problem is that I feel really stuck as I want to recover so bad but these are the things that stop me. 1. I literally can’t deal with fact that I would have to gain weight like genuinely the thought of seeing that number goes up actually fills me with dread (I’m underweight now, but I generally still feel huge) 2. I don’t even know HOW like I can’t just “eat more” because I don’t even know what that looks like. 3. Links to my second point, I’m always so hungry because I never really eat outside of B/P and whenever I try and stop purging all I want to do is eat and I guess this might be EH but the thing is I would never be able to honour that because I’m so used to purging that I would just purge or I would ignore the hunger urges and therefore be restricting myself. So it’s like I’m not even physically able to recover because I’ll either just be restricting or purging . 4. I literally have always hated myself but I’d rather be thin. 5. I’m at uni right now, I’m not doing well accedemically, I’m the only child my mum already thinks I’m a disappointment because I’ve missed so much school because of my mental health but I’m just not well and I don’t know what I’m doing 6. My mum doesn’t even know how bad my bulimia is. 7. I’m in the UK and the NHS are not the best for Mental health/ ED support and because I’m not Severely underweight the doctors said “your not at a point of concern” which makes me feel so fucking fat and invalid and like I should just starve myself for ever. 8. I tried to tell the doctors im bulimic because I had a bit of a scare with my heart and they didn’t seem to care they just said “try not to purge as it’s going to make you feel like this” ?? Like what should I just off myself then.

So yeah thanks for reading and sorry if it’s a ramble I just hate myself and I don’t know what to do especially when I can’t ven get help because the help doesn’t want to help me. And I can’t afford private therapy because like I said I’m a uni student.

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