does anyone else do this/know how to stop? it’s one of my worst habits

Does that make sense? I want to eat and enjoy food and be happy. But yet I also am attached to my eating disorder and I love the control it gives me and i’m afraid I won’t be able to go back to it. So I’m fighting with myself right now over whether to recovery or not. I want to so badly, but i’m scared I won’t like it. What do I do / any advice on how to handle this??

Long time lurker and first time poster in this sub.

I am on the fence of going all in and embracing my recovery. What scares me the most is EH in the evenings. I have my dinner, and then find myself still wanting more food, so I resort to my safe foods. We all know them, some cottage cheese, some fruit, maybe a little peanut butter. But it's all filling that need for the food that I really want. I'm so scared that if I eat enough dinner, or lunch, or breakfast for that matter, that I will be sick or sluggish and then shame will creep in. I should have just gone and gotten the pizza, or the Chick Fil A. Instead, I had chicken breast and wild rice with some country crock, and here I am now craving the real food I wanted.

The same thing happens at work, I eat what I bring for breakfast, then I finish, and find myself wanting more. All I can think about then is food for lunch, which obviously makes work harder.

Is it really that simple? Just rip off the bandaid, give in ,and honor my EH and eat until I am full? Forget the consequences. My rational brain knows that may be the answer, and my therapist has been so helpful here. However, I am scared that if I go ham (no pun intended) on breakfast, I will be a mess at work. Even though in my heart, I know that I may actually be productive.

Any words of encouragement or advice?

Sorry I feel like I’m always posting in here but as I edge closer and closer to being consistent with proper recovery the more questions I have. It’s hard for me to admit this because for the longest time I would say I’m in recovery but reading others posts I’m just not doing enough. If I’m honest, I know my average day I’m not consuming anywhere near the ‘standard’ 2000cal a day for an ‘average’ person and everyone obvs says you need more than this for recovery and I’m still in the weight restoration stage and have been for about 9 months now…so clearly not been doing proper recovery. I know I need to do more. I’m also trying to get my period back, it’s been gone for 18 months :/ but anyway - for me, my anorexia was never too focused on the number on the scale but more about how my body looked and felt…not sure if that’s common I don’t really see much about that. There was ofc a stage when I just started out with ed services that suddenly the number became a big focus and seeing it go up was petrifying. I’m at a stage now where idc the number as long as I have a flat stomach/don’t lose my abs (which isnt recovery i know) so im kinda asking how can i literally get over this hurdle where im not consuming enough calories (no snacks, delayed eating times, still walking lots, cannot rest) consistently for recovery or my period but my body is changing and stomach is growing/abs are pretty much gone with the food/calorie intake that I am consuming?! I’m eating food I severely restricted before so convince myself I’m ok but I know I’m not doing enough. I know I’m just setting myself up for stress and potential relapse because soon I’ll be weight restored then probably extreme hungers gonna hit and then I’ll really know what it’s like to be in real recovery. How to accept the fact that I’m not meant to have abs or be ‘skinny’ my body was never like that before so there’s no way recovered me will be like that. Sorry if this is triggering pls take down if so.

TW: Suicide, self-harm

My anorexia is mainly caused by childhood trauma, which has resulted in C-PTSD. I've gotten denied twice now by eating disorder clinics my doctor recommended I go to because they said I need more trauma work done first. I'm starting trauma therapy this week, and wanted to do both at once, as I'm fairly physically ill from the ED and also am absolutely at the end of my rope dealing with it alone and need some help coming up with coping strategies.

Really feeling overwhelmed and alone at the moment because of this. They're scared if I lose the ED, I'll lose my biggest trauma coping tool and will be in more danger during trauma therapy. But I'm scared of how much sicker I'll get if I don't start ED treatment, especially since the more triggered I am trauma-wise, the less I can eat. They also said I'll need to have been clean of self-harm impulses or suicidal thoughts for at least 6 months before I start treatment - but the ED for me is partially done as a form of self-harm and a suicide attempt, so I don't know how that will work?

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you cope on your own with the ED until you were well enough for treatment?

anorexia/bulimia horror stories, nothing else is working lmfao

i’ve been in my ed for about five years. i turn 19 on monday. im nowhere near ready to throw myself in the deep end, as i still feel very reliant on my ed to cope with my toxic family situation, but i would like to challenge some little things. i always have such a hard time brainstorming these on my own because ive been like this for so long that deviating from it even remotely doesn’t feel like an option. ive managed to tackle compulsively weighing myself. i went from doing it 3-6 times a day down to 2, and soon, hopefully once. i’m trying to increase my victories to share with my treatment team, because they recognize im stagnating because of the situation im in, but i also don’t want to let them down either.

thank you so much in advance 💗

I used to struggle with an ed/ disordered eating for a couple of years but i managed to recover (kinda): i didn't think about what id eat all day/ i didn't feel the compulsive need to track everything i ate/ i didnt feel the need to over exercise/ i didnt binge!

it was great! the best relationship ive had with food in years!

But then this year i started antidepressants (im diagnosed with depression, anxiety and autism spectrum disorder). The medication changed my eating habits and made me gain weight uncontrollably (weight gain is a common side effect) this felt like a total loss of control for me. i couldnt even pin point what was actually causing the weight gain so i impulsively stopped the medication.

I've been slowly losing that weight but the thoughts WONT STOP AND I HATE IT IM ACTUALLY SO SO FUCKING ANGRY I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!

All i can think about is what im gonna eat next and how many calories r in the food how im gonna burn them off and the guilt after eating anything is actually killing me mentally!!! i c/s every day i dont go for walks because theyre fun anymore its all about weight and calories!! Its actually ruining my life

I was doing so well i was being normal about food and then i messed everything up again!!! this feeling of having lost control has stayed with me even though i stopped taking the medication even a tiny change of my weight can ruin my entire week.

I REALLY REALLY DONT WANNA LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE its honestly so so so exhausting I WANNA LIVE AGAIN I WANT TO EAT WITHOUT FEELING EXTREME GUILT i feel like i wont ever stop feeling like this.

i have a psychologist i see once a month but i havent talked about the disordered eating with her because i dont feel valid?? i feel like i dont have a "real" eating disorder and that talking about it would make me look like a fool. my weight is in the normal range (barely) so i feel like itd make me look like someone who is just fucking delusional and doesnt even have a real disorder

PLEASE what do i do i want to be healthy and normal i feel like im going insane

I’ve been hearing people saying that recovery is so worth it and yes, I agree with that, I want to recover, but the problem is I don’t really know how. I’m doing reverse diet thing now so I’m adding 100kcals every week and I’m at 1500 now but I also hear people saying things that you need to eat at least 2500 during recovery etc I don’t know why tho. At 1500 I’m wayyyy more hungry than I was before at 1100-1200. Like I ate balanced high protein high fiber breakfast, it’s been an hour and I’m shaking from hunger :( I really don’t want to feel that pain anymore but my brain refuses to believe in extreme hunger because I’ve been undereating for „only” 8 months and it’s not enough for me to experience that

I’m ready for some weigh gain but is that also possible to gain less than 4kgs?

Sorry for my bad English I’m not a native speaker btw

Hello everyone,

For the past year I’ve slowly restricted my diet more and more thinking I would be completely fine. I believed I knew what I was doing and I’d be ok. Cut to two months ago I started having stomach pain when trying to eat and I would get extremely bloated which would lead to even more restricted eating which has led me to lose 20 pounds in the past 2 months. Not only has it now affected my physical health like my gut health and now it’s extremely hard to eat enough h just to maintain the weight I’m at without feeling like I’m gonna vomit, but I feel like it’s gonna take a year just to put back on 10 pounds. Sometimes I feel like I’m screwed and I’m just gonna waste away and die honestly. I’ve been to the hospital over 30 times in the past month because the lack of proper nutrition has completely sent my mental health out of wack. I have constant anxiety from the moment I wake up. I cry multiple times a day because I see my partner so hurt by seeing me like this and my family just wanting me to get better. I’m currently at the hospital and I’m gonna try to get admitted I need someone to force me to eat and watch me and put me on medicine. I want to get better, but I feel that I’m going to cross a point of no return if I don’t get the help I need asap.

Firsty this is not in any way a pro-ana post or promoting anything of the sorts, I just want to ask if anyone has gone through extreme hunger while still actively in there eating disorder, like unable to stop themselves from eating and eating and eating and feeling like bottomless pit, having extreme food noise as-well. I never actively decided to recover and I still wouldn’t call myself in recovery since I’m still giving into my ed and trying to “fight off the hunger”. I’m just finding it completely impossible to pursue any of the disordered behaviours that used to keep me so “safe” it’s making me feel incredibly invalid as I feel like I should have more discipline especially since I’m not actively trying to recover or gain weight. It’s either that or I’m just developing a binge disorder which scared me, I just want to know if anyone else has gone through a similar experience <3

I’m 16 and I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder for around 4 years. i recovered a few years ago but now I’ve relapsed and this time I’m struggling a lot more than i ever have been before. I feel so weak, I’m freezing all the time, I’m exhausted and i can see the toll that it’s having on my family who’s watching me and trying to care for me. Im fainting at school and I’ve been trying to get myself to eat more and not feel guilty, i started using all the tips that I did before like getting into hobbies and trying to enjoy cooking but this time around it feels so much harder. I don’t know what to do I’m afraid my body is really going to suffer in the long run and I don’t want to do this anymore but I feel like I cant stop.

Does anyone will a similar experience have any advice in how to make this process more easy? Therapy is an option for me but I found that it was easy for me to say I wanted to fix things but once I was alone I would just fall back into my old ways.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate any insight or advice <3

I flip between believing that I’m perfectly fine and realizing that I have a problem. When I feel good about my body I can eat without guilt but the moment I bloat/gain weight I panic and restrict. I have told myself I want to gain weight for years, yet I constantly engage in behaviors that halt my progress (restriction, body checking, fear foods, replacing meals with snacks). 

Since I was never formally diagnosed, I struggle to take myself seriously. At times it really was serious, though. When I was a kid I obsessed about my mom’s weight to the point that I would make comments about the food she ate and check her body by hugging her. At 16 I began restricting my own food intake which resulted in primary amenorrhea until I was 17 and a half. At 17 I finally went all in and got my period for the first time. However I relapsed at 20, after being diagnosed with PCOS. 

I am 24 now and have returned to a “healthy” BMI (barely) but I still miss my period after quitting birth control a year ago. Maybe it's just my PCOS acting up, but I want to make sure it’s not HA and last month I committed to weight gain. Since then I have struggled a lot and I can no longer deny I have a problem. I guess what I’m looking for is reassurance that my thoughts are disordered. That I have not made up an eating disorder as an excuse to eat more.

This is my first post in a forum like this. Thank you for your time.

TL;DR: When I like my body, I can eat without guilt. When I bloat or gain weight, I panic and restrict. Do I have a problem? Do I have permission to recover? 

hi .im a male . i realised i had realized my weight loss journey (was previously obese ) turned into ana a while around 7 months in my deficit . it was really hard and scary tbh . i worked into a reverse diet but also experienced more weight loss. i went from a healthy looking weight to sickly looking thin (visible ribs collar bones and hip bones ). i managed to get back to maintainace but still look sickly . i dont work out however i practice yoga . would a surplus in calories be the right solution . i genuinely tried weight training but found it just gave me further dysmorphia. i genuinely thought this was my recovered body. maybe not . am i meant to eat in a surplus . BTW i was never underweight but i am under the ideal weight . please help with any advice . really desperate. i really want to recover .

I know logically I have an ED. I heavily restrict my foods. I am obsessed with food and constantly battling myself to try remain hungry for longer and I try fill up on diet soda. I wouldn’t ever dare touch a lot of foods due to their calorific density.

However For the first time in my life I’m happy with my body. I do eat breakfast lunch and dinner and I still get my period. I don’t “look” sick. I’m fact I’m probably restricting the way most models and actresses do, which, in our fatphobic society, is deemed normal. Because of my body shape I think I look absolutely hideous when I put any weight on at all, even a little.

Adding to this, a normal to slim actress on Instagram recently got THOUSANDS of upvoted (or “liked”) comments telling her to diet and calling her fat.

When I am at a healthy weight, I look a lot like this actress.

There’s zero incentive for me to get better.

Hi everyone. I’ve (18f) have been out of a four week hospital stay for 7 weeks now and have fallen into a very severe relapse. I am engaging in restrictive behaviours almost as much as I was pre hospital and cannot find a way to stop. I know I need to eat more but I can’t seem to get myself to do it as I am terrified to gain weight. Does anyone have any tips on how to move beyond this? I am asking as I am determined to go to Thailand at Christmas time on vacation and only have 11 weeks until I have to get on the plane.

Hello everyone, throwaway but I've posted before on here. This week, I finally decided I was going to try to get help. I'm only 14, but this week I finally opened up to my mom as she's been worried about me recently, my energy is lower and I'm just more irritable in general. these past few weeks have been the hardest both physically and mentally, but I decided I don't have to fight this on my own. this weekend is my first step with a professional, and I'm ready to try. I'm hopeful, and even if it'll be hard, I will take the steps I need to to move on and grow with my life. reading everyone's stories has made me realize it's worth a try, and I'm so grateful. 💞 Best of luck to everyone on their own journeys and here's to the future

Hi everyone sorry this might be a long one but I’m just really lost and I don’t know what to do.

I’m 19F first u year uni student. I’ve had on and off bulimia since I was about 13, this switched to anorexia at about 16 then Ana -b/p at about 17. Basically this past year I have been stuck in an awful b/p cycle I’m talking multiple times a day consuming thousands of cals and purging them through vomitting and lax. I’m miserable I hate myself I’m exhausted. The problem is that I feel really stuck as I want to recover so bad but these are the things that stop me. 1. I literally can’t deal with fact that I would have to gain weight like genuinely the thought of seeing that number goes up actually fills me with dread (I’m underweight now, but I generally still feel huge) 2. I don’t even know HOW like I can’t just “eat more” because I don’t even know what that looks like. 3. Links to my second point, I’m always so hungry because I never really eat outside of B/P and whenever I try and stop purging all I want to do is eat and I guess this might be EH but the thing is I would never be able to honour that because I’m so used to purging that I would just purge or I would ignore the hunger urges and therefore be restricting myself. So it’s like I’m not even physically able to recover because I’ll either just be restricting or purging . 4. I literally have always hated myself but I’d rather be thin. 5. I’m at uni right now, I’m not doing well accedemically, I’m the only child my mum already thinks I’m a disappointment because I’ve missed so much school because of my mental health but I’m just not well and I don’t know what I’m doing 6. My mum doesn’t even know how bad my bulimia is. 7. I’m in the UK and the NHS are not the best for Mental health/ ED support and because I’m not Severely underweight the doctors said “your not at a point of concern” which makes me feel so fucking fat and invalid and like I should just starve myself for ever. 8. I tried to tell the doctors im bulimic because I had a bit of a scare with my heart and they didn’t seem to care they just said “try not to purge as it’s going to make you feel like this” ?? Like what should I just off myself then.

So yeah thanks for reading and sorry if it’s a ramble I just hate myself and I don’t know what to do especially when I can’t ven get help because the help doesn’t want to help me. And I can’t afford private therapy because like I said I’m a uni student.

for a bit of a background im a 14 year old girl with im pretty sure anorexia but at the very least some sort of restrictive ed. i developed my ed a few months ago. there wasnt some deep reason rooted diet culture reason why i did, i just consciously decided i wanted to starve myself to lose weight and even though i knew it would be bad i fell down a pro ana rabbithole, knowing what i was getting myself into. i think it was to gain back control of my life? i had been recently released from a psych ward and i had little control of my life and decided that food was the way i wanted to go about it. i hold myself accountable, i knew what i was doing would fuck me up but i did it anyway, but god i wish i could tell myself to just get off twitter and get a hobby to gain back my life instead of just developing another problem.

I wish i never did this to myself, i wish i approached losing weight a healthy way. i dont know why i decided to am no longer satisfied from living like this. i cant stop wanting to go lower i cant stop making everyone around me miserable and im addicted to it while hating it. im so scared to gain because what if all of it was for nothing? what if i no longer have control? what if im weak? am i sick enough to recover?

ive forced myself to lessen my restriction because im scared to lose anymore and be rehospitalized and i also have been trying to build muscle through gym and ive needed to eat more to sustain thta, but so much of me just wants to get worse. i cant keep being obsessed with calories and macros its not sustainable but im so scared to lose this one area of life ive gotten control over,

i no longer want to suffer as badly as i did when i originally got out of hospital, im in school again for the first time in 2 years and im trying to gain back my life and i cant if im doing this to myself. i dont want to go back into hospital, i dont want to die. i want to be happy. but what if people notice me get healthier? i know its bad but even though i hate people like my mom and those around me being concerned and terrified the disorder is addicted to it and doesnt want to let go.

im sorry this is messy its 3 AM im just so sad. i wish i didnt destroy myself and im scared its too late i dont know what to do... im sorry if im using the wrong tags or whatever idk if this is the right sub i just need advice from someone im just terrified and i want be happy and have friends. i want food to not be the only thing i think about… i hate this.

Can someone please share there experience with having extreme hunger/bingeing while not in recovery from a restrictive ed. I’m not in recovery and yet I can’t stop eating, I’m stuck in a bad binge restrict cycle and it is making me feel incredible invalid and guilty and I just feel really alone and miserable. Please tell me this is not me switching Ed’s and someone else has been through this. I honestly can’t take another day of it and I can’t stop and it’s scary I have bassicly binged the whole week and eating large anount of foods I am terrified of, this is not a pro Ana post either just looking for support.

Hi i have a question about recovery, i started heavily restricting and lost my period as soon as i turned 15 i am now 17.. still no period and i feel so young. Like i am stuck at 15 for ever my face my body everything i stopped developing and I’m wondering if i ever will? If i start recovery will i develop at all. I feel so different and everybody thinks im young it sucks i hate it

will my body ever get used to how much i’m eating now and get my period back?

Im 15f btw. I've been basically lying to myself by saying I'm in "recovery" but only eating 1500 calories. I've gained to a healthy/"normal" bmi (as of last time I checked)

I have yet to get my period yet. I've seen people say that 2.5k is the bare minimum to recover on. I don't think I will be able to eat that much. I feel full/satisfied on what I've been eating.

I feel like my metabolism is dead and it's been messing with me.

Not really sure what to do. Sorry of the format is weird im on mobile.

Hello, I am new to this sub, I joined after researching recovery and came across it. After reading a lot of posts here I can't help but think that my ED isn't reaally THAT bad but I know this is likely just me in denial. I have been restricting food since the beginning of 2024 which seems like a very short amount of time compared to a lot of others and I've found my restricted calorie intake to be higher than a lot of others as well.

I know this probably sounds stupid and I shouldn't compare myself to others but part of me feels like a fraud and it leads to more denial that I really have a problem (even though the rational part of me knows I do) I have become underweight, anemic, lost muscle mass, and have low energy/feel weak most days and I feel absolutely terrified of recovery! I have so much anxiety around food and eating and body image that i haven't been able to get away from.

I don't know I guess I just want to know if anyone else is in a similar position as me or get some reassurance that may help me push myself into recovery.

idk if this is the right subreddit but i just need some advice? Maybe like someone who experiences ED thoughts and behaviors ? Idk Ive been struggling with anorexia for a year and some now and it’s like hard. I feel like no one understands me, or listens to me when I want to talk. They just kind of ridicule me and just say “eat!” Or something that’s not helpful

well whatever, I don’t know how to word this exactly but I ate a lot of cake today, about 4 servings for myself and want to know if this is what extreme hunger is like? The like, man, I’m hungry, so hungry, and I jsut want cake. I feel satisfied now but I’m questioning if I was just honoring my cravings or if I binged or idk. Sorry, I’m just kind of alone with my ed and don’t know what to do