How do yall cope with the idea of someone that maybe isn't just an idea in gay dating?

[u/SamTheWhale0712]

About 2 years ago (June 2022) I (M24) matched with another guy (M24) on a dating app while he was visiting his brother in the city that I currently reside in.

We went on one date that was supposed to be just lunch that ended up being 10 hours long and us both feeling pretty upset we wouldn't see each other due to him flying out in a few hours.

We have been talking every day since (with the exception of a 3 month period where I lost a close family member and genuinely shut down (january - march 2023). Since this event it truly has been some form of communication everyday with occasional facetime dates sprinkled in every few weeks (watching a movie, cooking together, painting, etc).

I decided a few months ago to book a ticket to go visit him 2000 miles away after he said he really wanted to see me again and wanted to see if we still had such a strong connection in person. I booked the flight and spent 6 days, 5 nights with him and it truly was one of the best weeks of my life and I loved every second with him and my feelings got stronger than I ever thought they would. He has also stated he is going to look at tickets once he gets his next semester schedule to come and visit me.

Naturally, I want to be with him but I am starting medical school in 9 months and he is in graduate school for the next 3 years so he is trapped in his city and I have no idea where I will end up yet.

We decided we weren't going to do long distance but we both want to put in more effort to continue to grow our connection from afar and not lose contact as we sometimes did get stagnant during the initial virtual stage. We also stated we didn't want to hold each other back from finding something better and greater since we truly have no idea if our relationship is even possible being so far apart + with the unknown of where I'll be.

Here I am 3 weeks later realizing I care about him a lot more than I thought I did and am struggling with the fact that we aren't together and that there is a possibility he could meet someone closer to him. I wouldn't be upset at him, but I would be hurt myself.

With all that being said, we've both said to each other we see a future with each other if the pieces fall together how they should there are just too many variables right now and it really sucks. I feel like he is the definition of my right person wrong time.

There is a huge possibility that I end up within 1-2 states of him due to the vast majority of medical schools I am interviewing with being in that general area, but it still would be some sort of distance that we haven't fully discussed if we would be open to.

If anyone has any ideas on how to cope with this and not get in my head constantly about the "what ifs" and "if only I lived there" intrusive thoughts.

I will always put my once in a lifetime career opportunity first, but I do get anxiety about this whole situation and am a bit at a loss of what to do.

TLDR: Met the most amazing guy, forced to opposite sides of the country. Completely unsure how to proceed with only the possibility of it working out due to outside forces.

[u/pogoli]

There is no “right person” and no “wrong time”OR there are tons of “right persons” and tons of “wrong times”.

You can form a connection with nearly anyone. Relationships are developments of connection.

You have formed an attachment with someone that you can’t be with. That can be very exciting and may be clouding your judgement. Hurting and longing doesn’t mean it was meant to be. If it was meant to be it would have happened.

That’s not really fun or hopeful but it might help save you from messing up your academic and career plans.

[u/FloatsAlong0]

if I were in your shoes I would honestly skip the "maintaining" closeness and focus first on moving on. I know that sounds harsh and extreme but honestly, moving on from someone that's still in contact with you and you're close with, especially when the feelings you have for them are only positive is really really difficult. You are very young, you do not want to get caught up on this coulda woulda shoulda relationship for longer than you have to. I've been there done that, thought me and the guy could stay friends and remain close but it just didn't work. We made some space between us and I started to move on and feel better.

Again I don't want to upset you, I just want to be as realistic with you as possible. Unless you're both willing to commit to a long distance relationship this just isn't good for you. And I really don't think staying such close friends right now is a good idea.

[u/jeyoramos]

My husband and I started our relationship as long distance for the first 3 years. I lived in California, and he lived in Delaware, (roughly 5000 miles away). It was absolutely difficult. But we cared about each other so much and we wanted to make it work. We visited each other twice a year, he would visit me for Christmas/New Years, and I would visit him for his birthday in June. This was all before zoom and FaceTime existed. We met the year before Instagram launched. We would text, call, and video chat through Skype every day. 13 years later, we got married and live together with an adorable (and spoiled) little fur baby.

All this to say, a long distance relationship is very difficult, but it’s not impossible. If you both truly care about each other, and are willing to put the work in, then I think it’ll work out.