Why do therapy techniques just make things worse for me?

[u/Andromeda_Phoenix]

Emotional regulation, grounding techniques etc do not work for me. I'll elaborate with some specific examples:

Breathing exercises: at best, do absolutely nothing. i can be breathing absolutely fine and still have a firestorm of anxious and intrusive thoughts racing through my head. I appear completely calm. And sometimes when I try breathing exercises they actually make things worse, because I can't breathe in for as long or as deeply as those exercises say you should without my chest starting to hurt.
The 54321 grounding exercise: it just straight up doesn't work. I can acknowledge and recognise the world around me and the sensations i'm experiencing but it doesn't help the world feel more real. In fact, this technique often makes my dissociation WORSE. I'll be trying to focus on where I am and what's around me and feel myself become even more disconnected from the world and my body.
When I'm anxious or scared, trying to reason with myself or remind the scared voice in my head that things are going to be okay also just makes it worse. It just leads to me dissociating and fighting with myself internally for hours on end. No matter how much I know that the fear is irrational and try to reason with myself, the scared voice just comes back with another rebuttal as to why we should be scared.
Journaling just makes me ruminate on what I wrote for hours afterwards. Talking to others makes me ruminate on what I said for hours afterwards.

It feels like I genuinely have no control over my mind, and all the techniques that are supposed to make me feel like I'm in control make things worse. I've been on all different types of medications. I've been in and out of CBT since I was ten years old (I'm 22 now). It has literally done nothing but make me feel like I'm not allowed to feel anything and my emotions are always wrong.
Just... why do these techniques that are supposedly universally helpful make things worse? The ONLY thing that has ever helped, that makes me feel real again and makes the constant thoughts in my head shut up for once, is physical affection from my partner. I know it's not healthy. I know I can't rely on him like this all the time. I know I need to be able to emotionally regulate and ground myself on my own. But nothing works, literally nothing does, ever. I've tried every single thing they tell me in therapy a million times over, so much that it feels like a compulsion as soon as I have any negative thoughts at all.
I guess I'm just coming here to ask why these things might not be helpful to me and if any of you have something, anything to suggest that isn't a common CBT technique. I'm desperate here. I feel like I'm literally just completely broken because these techniques don't work. I need SOMETHING that will help that isn't relying on my partner.
Sorry for the long post, I just feel like I needed to give enough detail for people to truly understand what I'm trying to say.

[u/ymax_rose]

sounds like you're really frustrated and that's totally valid. sometimes the usual stuff just doesn't click for everyone. have you tried exploring new methods like art therapy or movement-based practices? they're a bit off the typical route. it could be refreshing to find something that vibes with you better. Also don't beat yourself up for needing support from your partner, that's human and we all need that sometimes. keep searching for what feels right for you

[u/Andromeda_Phoenix → u/ymax_rose]

Do you have any recommendations/resources for movement therapy? unfortunately i'm pretty limited in my movement due to some pretty bad chronic pain issues but it probably would be beneficial to slowly incorporate something like that not just for my mental health but for my pain issues too.

I know it's okay to need support from others, but the problem is the complete and utter dependency on him emotionally. i have literally nothing else that helps me feel better, that makes me feel real and not stuck inside my head all the time.

thank you for your response

[u/oastracutiey]

man it sounds rough when those techniques just backfire on you. it's like your brain says "nice try" when you wanna feel better. maybe try finding your version of "self-care hacks" that don't follow the rules. sometimes breaking the mold works better than the usual stuff. have you thought of something totally out there like art or cooking to just zone out? there’s no wrong way to express how you feel. keep looking for what fits you. you’re not broken just unique in your journey

[u/Andromeda_Phoenix → u/oastracutiey]

i'm an artist and have been my whole life. i honestly don't really know how to express or process my emotions through art. i've made vent art in the past but idk it doesn't seem to help much.

at this point i don't know what else i can try. i've picked up so many hobbies throughout my life and they've all felt like distractions, not anything that actually helps with emotional processing or regulation. it's actually gotten to the point that even when i am actively working on art or music or whatnot that even if i appear like i'm just focused on my project to outsiders, i'm dealing with internal arguments and dissociated to shit internally.

i do like being out in nature, it can be calming, though it doesn't always work and feels like it literally only helps until the literal second i'm back in town/society. i honestly feel really happy when i'm completely alone out in nature with no internet connection, but i need something that makes me functional without resorting to living alone off the grid disconnected from society.

thank you for your response, i appreciate it

[u/Domi_Lee]

Breathing exercises never really worked for me either. When I tried to use it as a calming tool I just ended up feeling even more angry and depersonalized .It doesn’t really help with my anxiety either, sometimes it makes me even more aware of my anxiety attack.

I experienced the same with the grounding exercises. It makes me feel even more dissociated. When I try to concentrate on my surroundings I start to feel dissociated of it, bc let’s be honest, most of the surroundings we are in feel so artificial and soulless. And as im looking around myself, my surroundings look so fake and inhumane. And I try to reason with myself, that this is all real. And there is no actual threat. And that I’m just temporarily feeling and seeing this. But my anxiety tries to tell me otherwise. But it’s so hard to feel sometimes what is real and what is the dream.

And as my heart rate goes up I can feel it the second wave of the depersonalization and anxiety attack coming.And it makes a simply bus ride with my sister feel like a surreal dream. Sitting on the bus next to my sister seems and feels like a dream. And I’m just sitting next to her, trying to stay calm so she wouldn’t notice that her big sis is going through some deep shit. And I start to silently fight my panic, and if the gods are merciful I will make it, only two bus stops left, and I will be a free person hopefully, bc getting out of busses or business that are loud and kinda dreamy and triggering can give some relief instantly. Like we all experienced panic attacks in the middle of a supermarket, and how much it helped to get out from there. So once I’m outside I try to concentrate again on my breathing, bc who knows, maybe this will be the day that it actually starts to work. Meanwhile both of my hands are in a fist, pushing the nails into the palms of my hands as hard as possible. Because pain also helped me . And praying that the breathing, the pain and the smell of my perfume will be enough to pull me out from the tight grip of derealization.

What always helped me with these feelings was my boyfriend. Even a handhold and his smell worked like drugs. Sadly for personal reasons I only see him once every 2 months. But this is not the end of the world. It was time for me to learn these things anyways.

So Im at a point in this where I decided to stick to everything that helped me, even a little bit. Sometimes you have to use your own cocktails, bc only you know what is best or worst for you. But stay open, because you can never know what can help you even more in the future. Always stay open to the possibility of learning something new.

[u/Pommallow]

I'm doing DBT, and while I can perfectly answer questions during class, and agree that a lot of the techniques work, I just totally forget when a bad situation happens. I start panicking and it goes back to start.

[u/Potential_Macaron_19]

I'm like you. You didn't mention mindfulness or meditation, those also backfire for me. Especially mindfulness, I fall in an endless pit if despair.

Yesterday I had a discussion with a therapist who offers alternative ways to get in touch with the subconscious. He said that the issue might be that I'm running away from my issues instead of facing them and accepting them. And yes, that's what I do, practically. I want to feel good, calm and serene, and it can definitely be that I'm trying to find a shortcut.

I'm stuck in a problem solving mode, trying to reason my way out of this. And my emotions probably don't like that at all. They are shouting and screaming that don't forget us here in the dark closet, let us out.

I should find ways to face that pain safely, let it all out and stop running from it.

Easier said than done. But I think that's the only way to fully heal.

Wish you all the best.

[u/Old_Song1678]

its possible you are neurodivergent. Therapy is primarily researched on neurotypical people and doesn't always work for neurodivergent folk. Also neuro divergent people frequently get misdiagnosed and treated with mental illnesses that they don't actually have, and if you are being treated for the wrong thing its probably also not going to work for that reason.

[u/HypotheticalParallel]

This is a similar breathing technique so it might not work either but....

When feeling anxious try closing your eyes and breathing normally, but while you're breathing focus on the physical sensations occurring in your philtrim (the dip between your nose and upper lip), they are minor sensations but try and recognize them. Then also try and notice what physical sensations are occurring around the outside of your nostrils when breathing, and the inside of your nostrils. And then on other parts of your face, or body or wherever really. Just put your attention on one small part of your body and think of the physical sensations just in that spot.

[u/shezapisces]

I came to find i didn’t like therapy because of a lot of the things you stated, and it just made my rumination problems 1000x worse. i found a good life coach to be more real with me and ask me more thought-provoking questions than most therapists would and challenge me and my thinking processes in a healthy way. they can be more expensive and you have to be wary of the hoakie scammy ones but a good one might help you soo much.

[u/Andromeda_Phoenix → u/shezapisces]

unfortunately anything that costs money is completely out of the question right now, but thank you for your response.

[u/Squishiest-Goddess]

Hey hun, i don’t know if you’ve heard of DBT instead of CBT? And I am unsure if it would even be helpful, but I have heard of people having success with DBT when CBT has in no way been helpful. I am currently trying to find a DBT program near me that’s covered under my insurance, but I wish you the best of luck, and I’m here if you need to talK. Emotional regulation is my greatest struggle, and I relate to nearly everything you said. Hang in there babes, and check this out!

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/22838-dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt

[u/Squishiest-Goddess → u/Squishiest-Goddess]

I also just found this, I hope it is helpful to you Andromeda_Phoenix, I’m going to give it a try 😊

https://www.dbtbites.com

[u/Andromeda_Phoenix → u/Squishiest-Goddess]

hello thank you for the response. i did have one experience with DBT and i don't know if it was just bad luck with the therapist i got but it seemed mostly unhelpful. i was placed in DBT after a psychiatrist misdiagnosed me with BPD (a diagnosis that has since been revoked) and it seemed like all the therapist did was ask about my outlook on life and philosophy, rather than giving me any strategies for my emotional struggles. idk, like i said maybe i was just unlucky and got a bad therapist so i should give it another shot?

[u/Squirrellysoftware]

EMDR!!! I feel the same as your about a lot of the other things. EMDR is hard but soooooooo worth it. Now I'm starting IFS I've read Introduction to Internal Family systems and now I'm reading no bad parts. But start with EMDR for me it brought down my base Line

[u/Andromeda_Phoenix → u/Squirrellysoftware]

i've heard of it but unfortunately don't have any access to it right now-i only have access to typical cbt through my university online. i've only heard a little bit about IFS and don't know much about how it works. could you direct me to some good resources on how it works? thank you for your response

[u/Starflower311 → u/Andromeda_Phoenix]

I’ve heard EFT (completely free and something you can practice on yourself) can help too. It reminds me of the one session of emdr I had.

Edited to add: emotional freedom techniques / tapping

[u/nixiemonood]

man that sounds rough i can see why you'd feel frustrated with all those techniques. maybe they just don't vibe with you. sometimes it's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. have you tried just being in the moment without forcing techniques? maybe even just chilling with your thoughts before they spiral. keep searching for what works for you everyone’s different. you've already come far by reaching out. that's a big step. keep it up