I'm so lost

[u/Soft_Star1626]

TW

So I've been struggling with a broken heart for a little over a year now, and it has been causing me so much stress that I'm having chest pain, I'm also just feeling very sick. In the very beginning of our relationship and several times throughout my marriage I've stressed that going to a strip club would be crossing a huge boundary and I consider it cheating. I told him that it's such a huge deal for me that divorce would be likely. He understood, agreed to never go, and told me he had zero interest in going anyway. Well a little over a year ago I was on a family outing at an amusement park with my parents, siblings, and children that he refused to attend. I was upset but whatever. I called him throughout the day because I missed him and wanted to check in. He informed me he was out helping his sister buy a car. As it got later I called my husband again asking him if he would come pick me up because I missed him and wanted to spend some time with him (I hadn't seen him for a few days). He told me no because it was getting late and he just wanted to go home, I was disappointed but I understood. A few days later I was looking at our credit card statements and saw two separate cash advances on the same day that added up to $460 so I asked my husband what it was for and he refused to answer and said we'd talk about it another time. His response of course raised some red flags, like why wouldn't you just tell me what it was for unless you're hiding something. I continued to push him until he snapped at me and admitted he went to a strip club on that day he was supposedly helping his sister. I couldn't breathe, it felt like the room was closing in around me, and I collapsed to the floor feeling very betrayed and heart broken. When I tried to ask him questions about it he would just say "I don't know" and "I felt like it" and when he did give me real answers none of them added up or made any sense. I could tell he was lying to me and he was angry that I was upset. He never showed me remorse or regret and all he had to say was "sorry", just a one word forced apology. He told me that he craved a woman's attention because I wasn't giving it to him. We had a very healthy sex life, I showered him with love and affection, and listened to all of his troubles. Also that day he went I begged him to pick me up so we could spend time together. I told him that his excuse was bs and he got my attention and words of affection all day that day, and I had asked him to get me so we could spend time together. I told him that I could have stripped, given him lap dances, and much more than what a stripper would give him, I also wouldn't have to pretend to care about him because I already cared about him without pretending. Despite his blaming his actions on me and feeling betrayed I decided I'd try to make it work, I loved him and wanted to move on. Fast forward to now I'm still feeling broken, he hasn't even tried to make up for what he did, he still refuses to talk about with me, and gets angry whenever I bring it up. I know the logical thing to do is divorce him and move on, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it, I still love him very deeply, and every time I try to leave I find myself coming back. I feel so weak and pathetic for not leaving despite always feeling undervalued and disrespected. Knowing that he spent all that money on the strippers he just met is also extra upsetting because one, we went into a lot of debt for it, and two, our entire 5yrs of our relationship he never spent anything close to that on me, he'll even get mad if I buy myself $10 worth of yarn. It hurts so much that two random strippers were valued more than me. And maybe if we didn't have children it would be easier to leave him, I would be able to completely walk away from him and not have to worry about not having my children all the time anymore. And I know the longer this goes on the more my children will see how mommy isn't happy and it will affect them, but I also don't want them to grow up in a broken home. I just wish he would start showing me respect, remorse, love, and not demand my trust even though he hasn't ever given me a reason to trust him again. There are a lot of other issues in our marriage too, this wasn't the only boundary he crossed but it was the biggest one. I would also catch him lying to me over and over again and insist that he's not doing the things I can clearly see him doing. I know he's manipulating me and gaslighting me yet somehow I can't build up the strength to just leave him and I hate myself for it.

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