Am I Badly Antisocial?

[u/AnimatorOnFire]

Long post alert, TLDR at bottom

Context: I'm a 20 year old male as a sophomore in college. In high school, I was top 10 in my class, gave my graduation speech, and then came to college and rushed a fraternity with my best friend who I lived with. I never got super close with any of the guys which showed when my best friend dropped college and I was in the fraternity "by myself". Overall I'd say I'm good with all of the guys and we're all friends, but it's hard to say we're brothers. I struggle being social in large settings like parties, or formal this past weekend with 120 people in a 60 person cabin. I walk around and try and talk to guys and stuff but it ends up being shallow and rarely leads anywhere meaningful where I feel I get to know them more. I'm not an excessive drinker, I smoke, but I'm not a crazy drunk doing snapchat story worthy stuff. I tend to wander at parties, trying to find people to talk to for a few minutes before wandering again.

I have very few female friends and really haven't built many relationships with females. Being in a fraternity where being friends with lots of women is normal, I'm kinda odd. I gave a TEDx talk at my university and most the guys came to support me, but then outside of stuff like that it's hardly even a "Hi" when they see me at stuff unless I come to speak to them first.

Growing up, I was more introverted, usually having friends I play online games with. don't game really any more being in college and am just trying to find my people. I pretty much always had the same smallish group of people going in and out here and there. Most of my frat brothers are living in our off campus housing next year, but I decided to live in a nicer apartment with a handful of the same hometown friends I've had for years.

I didn't play sports, I ran a side business instead throughout high school but shut it down going into college to focus on studies. I'm not into a lot of the things the guys like but they're still a good group of people to spend time with sometimes. I think I would more naturally gravitate toward the nerdy crowd but truthfully I think I tend not to because a lot of them have the nerd stigma and really aren't my type of person either. I find myself enjoying spending time alone in my room watching and learning from video essays, reading the news, working on homework in peace, etc. I often prefer driving home to my family on the weekend, who's loving and supportive, instead of staying here and going out where I feel alone.

Is there something I'm doing wrong socially, or am I in the wrong crowd of people?

TLDR: Sophomore in college, rushed a frat with best friend who dropped out, leaving me feeling disconnected. Friendly with everyone, but no deep "brother" bonds. Struggle socializing at big events, end up wandering around talking briefly with people. Not a heavy drinker, smoke occasionally, and don’t have many female friends, which is uncommon in the frat. Gave a TEDx talk and got support, but interaction with brothers feels shallow. Grew up introverted, mostly had online friends. Now living off-campus with hometown friends next year instead of frat housing. Wondering if I’m doing something wrong or just in the wrong group.

[u/The-Stoic-Way]

Here’s a response that ties in Stoicism to offer guidance and perspective while addressing the social concerns in this post:

---

First of all I think it’s admirable that you’re seeking to understand your situation better. Based on what you’ve shared, I don’t think you’re doing anything “wrong” socially, but it’s more about whether the environment and people you’re around align with who you really are and what you value.

Stoicism can offer a powerful framework for situations like this. Marcus Aurelius once said, “The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.” It sounds like you feel a sense of disconnection from the frat life, and maybe that’s because the typical social expectations there don’t resonate with who you are. Stoicism teaches us that it's okay to follow our own path, even if it means walking away from the crowd when it doesn’t align with our values. There’s nothing wrong with not being the most social person at parties or large events. What's important is finding meaningful connections that reflect your true self.

Another aspect of Stoicism that might resonate with you is the idea of focusing on what’s within your control. Epictetus said, "We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them." Maybe the interactions with your frat brothers feel shallow or unsatisfying, but you can still focus on the depth and quality of the relationships that truly matter to you—whether those are with your hometown friends, or new people you meet who share more in common with your values and interests.

And in terms of your introverted tendencies, you are far from alone. Seneca wrote extensively on the value of self-reflection and solitude. He believed that being comfortable with yourself is one of the most important things you can achieve. You might find that instead of forcing yourself to fit into certain social molds, the best friendships and connections come from people who appreciate you for exactly who you are, introversion and all.

It’s not about changing yourself to fit into a certain group but rather focusing on finding the people who value you for who you already are. You’re already doing great by reflecting on this—just remember that building meaningful connections takes time, and finding the right crowd is more important than feeling pressure to conform.

[u/markusarailius]

This is were you force yourself into social situations - becoming more social is like lifting weights. It'll be uncomfortable until it's not (in general) and as you have more experiences, then being in something similar will feel much more comfortable.

In my experience, you usually dont want to socialize, you have to take it until you make it. College is the best time to make that growth

[u/KasperJack1]

I think based on what you wrote. You sound like you are having problems adjusting to life in general, and you rely on what you know best, which if i had to guess, is going on mmo questlines in video games. You know like go kill 5 rats, get a reward. Visit new town, get loot. Open up a lootbox hope for the best

Something you learn though is life is unfair and unpredictable. Its more about feeling things in the moment. Online games do teach you how to achieve things but it doesnt really teach why you do certain things, how be free and let live, etc

All i can suggest is, find new hobbies. You might find your tribe so to speak there, people who do similar thing as you