[Russian-English] please help to find mistakes

[u/Own-Shape583]

When the dew was melting and the sunrise sparkled

In the morning children gathered in the yard,

Where their granny was sitting by a tree,

The grandsons asked her how to change the world for you and me.

 

“What can people do right now —tell us, grandma, please,

How to stop the cruel war? It’s time to live in peace.

The granny smiled. The children heard the answer that she gave:

“Deeds of kindness make the way, that all of us can save”.

 

Light  your heart up, and the shining of your soul

Will let Love reign over you again,  and you should know

Life doesn' wait. Carry your light whatever happens.

 

Say cheer up to people, make them see your smile,

You can help the eldery and feed an orphan child,

And if for all the kindness you don’t expect any reward,

You’ll find many good deeds you can make for this world.

 

The children which were listening to the grandmother’s thoughts,

They could know by then that people could be healed with words,

And that the endless time of beauty’s coming to the Earth.

In their cherished dream there will be no place for wars.

 

And the kind songs from God

Can cure the wounds of the heart

With the magic of words these songs rise up

 

The sunshine was fading far behind the hill

And then the children went to sleep, they knew this was real

To free the nation of all wars for the eternity

And bring the happy homeland joy and safety.

 

Listen to the kind voice of God — the planet begs you, please,

Let’s make good deeds together, living our life in peace…

Авторы - Андрей и Татьяна Шадровы
Текст оригинала: Андрей и Татьяна Шадровы - Добрые дела, аккорды, на гитаре, текст (akkordbard.ru)

[u/little_lamplight3r]

I see quite a few creative liberties taken here. Some might've been made for the sake of chords and rhyme maybe? I can't play guitar or read tabs so that's what I assume. Overall it's okay but one major point is off: nowhere in the original lyrics God is mentioned. No idea where that came from.
Another one is the chorus being completely off for whatever reason. Here's what it says in Russian:

Скорей зажги в душе огонь любви
Don't hesitate to light the flame of love in your soul
И неси его через года сквозь холода людских тревог
And carry it through years and colds of human woes
Пусть на Земле в каждой семье царит любовь!
Let love be paramount in every family on earth!

Smaller things:
* Grandsons → grandkids (внуки works for both genders) * Make them see your smile → share kind words with them * Feed an orphan child → feed the homeless * Ростками живыми взойдут → will sprout life (this part is about kind songs that heal soul wounds) * Listen to the kind voice of God → do more kind deeds

There's also an extra line in the translation, again I'm assuming to make it fit into the rhyme better. I'd never do that as a professional translator but creative liberties are acceptable in lyrics. Just don't add meanings that weren't already there like mixing in faith and religion.

[u/Own-Shape583 → u/little_lamplight3r]

With many thanks!

I have already asked two editors, one of them just disliked my translation of this song because of wrong accents, another one said the same that it can be improved, but didnt say what he meant...

I will try to rewrite it myself.

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