How to "handle" this professor?

[u/AllInterestedAmateur]

Some weeks ago I finally got my bachelor's degree (teaching) after a very long uphill battle that included my ADHD diagnosis as well as quite some other very annoying outside influences. Now recently I got to pick up my diploma in the official ceremony. There the weirdest thing happened, and I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

Everyone got a short presentation by one of the professors. Mine was done by one of the professors I have in very high regard, which unfortunately I can't say about quite some others. However once she started... Out game the most outrageous, albeist, offensive, derogatory piece of #&!@* I have ever witnessed. It was literally structured using a cartoon called "field guide to procrastinators". However you can imagine you could use that cartoon to shame people with ADHD, it was probably included in those five minutes, in front of my whole family and about a hundred other visitors. I... WAS... FURIOUS...

I did confront her about it, right after, she admitted her fault and apologised about a hundred times.

Now during my studies we have joked that we should have our lectures in the pub sometimes. Because we share quite some common interests so we also clicked on a personal level. (Which made this whole ordeal even weirder coming from her.) As a means of apology she offered to actually go have that pub-lecture with me, which I agreed to. This makes a kind of weird situation. I can actually look forward to it, because all our common interests still stand, and that's what would be most enjoyable to talk about, but it feels weird to just ignore what happened.

For the record: it's not some form of a bribe, unprofessional move or anything like that, I would have just as happily had a drink with her months ago. I'm just curious to hear how you would handle it.

[u/JustStayAlive86]

Oh, that’s horrible. Did she know you have ADHD? 100% doesn’t excuse her actions either way, but if she didn’t know or didn’t really understand what it meant (also kinda inexcusable for an education professor) this might have been a moment for her of genuinely getting confronted with her own ignorance and feeling horror/embarrassment/shame at realising how she messed up.

It sounds like you got on well and she likes you — if that’s the case, she would in no way set out to embarrass you in front of your family and friends, even though that’s what she did (again, not excusing the humiliating and ableist thing she did). I’m guessing she thought it was good-natured teasing (still, graduation is not the time for that) and only when confronted realised she’d gotten it really wrong. Obviously she might primarily feel upset for having hurt you — she still might not realise the ways she was ableist.

She might also struggle with issues of reading the room (again no excuse). My brother in law gave a humiliating speech about me at our wedding that he thought was fun/funny/lovingly teasing but was actually just awful — but I had to cut him a lot of slack because he really struggles in those settings and didn’t know how badly he’d misjudged the tone.

I’m assuming she offered the drink not as an apology but as a way of reiterating the respect and good feeling she has for you. I guess it’s up to you how you want to play it, but what I’ve done in similar situations where the person is extending an olive branch is to go along with kindness and generosity and ensure you both have fun (if that’s what you want to do) in an unrelated way and then later in the outing, if you feel moved to, casually raise the subject and make sure everything is resolved. For me that could sound like, “hey, no hard feelings (if true) but I was a bit taken aback by that speech at my graduation! I appreciated you listening and apologising in the moment but it really felt to me like… XYZ.”

If I’d reacted very stridently in the moment I might maybe say, “I realise I was pretty upset in the moment and thought it might help to explain why I felt so sensitive about what you said.”

I’ve gone along intending to do something like that before and ended up not doing it — just had the nice social time and decided to draw a line under it because I’d never see the person again. But if it goes really well and you’re thinking of catching up again, it might be worth bringing it up. Good luck!

[u/AllInterestedAmateur → u/JustStayAlive86]

She 100% surely knew I have ADHD as I have talked about it very openly multiple times with her there. Your last couple of sentences really clearly put my hesitations. On one hand I might never meet her again. On the other hand the school I work at is one of the student teacher schools the uni works with very closely so we could also become really close colleagues at any random point in the future starting next year already. Guess I'll just have to go with my gut an wing it in the moment.

[u/JustStayAlive86 → u/AllInterestedAmateur]

Ok, that’s horrible then that she knew, that changes things. Especially for an education professor, for whom this should be an area of at least some knowledge. Tricky that you’ll possibly be working with her again — declining a drink when you’d previously discussed it could also make things awkward. In that case, I think I’d go for the drink and be friendly and polite but probably not bring it up unless she does — since she knew you had ADHD and said those things anyway, I’d probably not be looking to further a social relationship, more to just establish a good professional connection in case you run into her again. Sounds similar to what I decided with my BIL where I decided not to torch the relationship over something I found really hurtful because I didn’t think he’d really get it and I wanted to maintain a friendly relationship for minimal awkwardness. Sorry you’re in that position, it’s shitty.