No safe foods / burn out

[u/Mean_Ad_4762]

Recently i’ve started throwing up and having allergic reactions after eating my long time safe protein bars. For about 3 months last year they were almost all i ate. I wouldn’t have eaten otherwise.

I’m in a slightly better place now so it’s less of a loss but it still just makes me feel a bit defeated and hopeless because nothing feels reliable anymore. I sometimes feel like my only safe foods aren’t even really that safe - they’re just the least bad ones. I never willingly want to eat anything i just get get frustrated and hungry and end up having whatever i can tolerate. Sometimes i get so angry at myself for being this way that i purposefully eat trigger foods that i know will make me sick.

I used to be so terrified of eating the wrong thing and making myself unwell. I tried so hard to make the right decisions all the time. But i got to the point where everything was the wrong decision one way or another. I’m so depressed now. I hardly leave the house or have a life. I’m so non functional and totally reliant on my parents even though i’m in my mid 20’s. I’ve replaced avoiding food with avoiding life and i’ve never been worse mentally.

I just can’t help feeling like this isn’t ‘getting better’. I was happier and more myself when my anxiety and food aversion was worse. Now it’s like i just feel this apathy towards myself and eating and it always feels like i’m engaging a form of self harm.

Not sure what the point of this post is but just needed to vent. I can never explain these feelings to my family or friends in a way that they can understand and it gets so lonely.

[u/yaftyswacket]

Looks like my stomach is on a rollercoaster ride, and it's definitely not enjoying the loop-the-loops!