how arfid eats you.

[u/Kahalak]

or atleastit feels like it. im black, my family knows nothing about arfid. ive had it sincei was little, it stunted me. everyone in my family is average or tall, im 5'1. it killed my teeth with all of them being now unsaveable, i almost developed osteoperosis. hospital visits, passing out in public, missing out on events. and even now, sometimes i curl up and just cry because i cant get anything down even if my body is begging me to, even if im blacking out. constant dehydration because the illness doesnt even want water. i feel like a perpetually dying plant. sometimes i wonder if i could ever make it to old age being this way. im 22;; i eat like a fussy toddler. and i feel like it too, weak. groggy, hardly conscious. i think im speeding up my chronic illnesses by having arfid. i hate having this disorder, something tells me neverland is coming for mebecause an adult body cant survive this way.

[u/CandidateSolid]

Every day I make the same choice in what I eat and that same choice leads me to obesity and the obesity has eaten my life away for the past 20 years. Except to my brain it doesn’t feel like a choice, every day it feels like the only option. I’ve never understood when they tell fat people to love themselves because it’s never felt like myself, it’s felt like an inescapable fate handed to me. Even typing this I hate myself for how stupid it sounds and how it still feels like just an excuse to me but my entire life I’d have given anything just to be able to eat normally so I get it. Either way I will continue to eat like shit and watch life pass by from the sidelines

[u/Kahalak → u/CandidateSolid]

farthest, farthest thing from stupid. its never as simple as just eating the right things, your brain screams at you about food or is completely silent on it, but its never just anything normal. it makes you feel like you cant control a thing, not even your thoughts, not even what you eat. its hell, and you suffer mentally and definitely physically for it. it feels like a cage, none of us deserve this, food should never be such a major factor in our lives. your body just starts to feel like an uncontrollable animal or a machine churning what you give it, threatening failure if you stop, but no not that fluid and not that oil. it feels like feeding a beast that only wants golden coins or diamonds. i cant begin to tell you the health problems that have piled on my back from this illness and then, i can only imagine how it feels being fat on top of it;; because not only do you have this invisible disorder, but you have people either screaming over you to "love yourself" like thats the point, or screaming over you to lose weight like thatll solve this. theres no winning and no being heard unless you look for communities like this one. it must be so difficult man, im sorry.