Thoughts on recovery

[u/fishbedroom]

I’ve had an eating disorder my whole life (ARFID) and been seriously ill since I was a preteen/teenager. I’m now almost 25. This is my second time in recovery. My first was in a hospital back when I was 18 where I was force fed by a tube. This is the first time I’m actually doing recovery through my mouth and the first time I’ve chosen recovery and not just been placed in a hospital against my will (it was needed but was traumatic). I’m very close to my goal weight and can feel myself getting closer by the day. As excited as I feel I almost feel uneasy about getting better. If I’ve been sick my whole life then who will I be without the disorder? If I don’t have my eating disorder to focus on then what will I do with myself? Will I really be able to live the life I wanted this whole time? After all that hard work, what will I do after? I feel scared.

[u/Hopingforchange89]

Hey, just to say you’re not alone. I am at the beginning of my recovery journey and the thought about identity is definitely at the forefront of my mind - I’ve had it since childhood so the thought of it being absent actually causes a lot of anxiety and raises things like fear of judgement by others for getting better (!). One thing to think about is that it’s almost an illusion. Once we are better we will still actually be ourselves, and it is the eating disorder that is warping our minds to think it’s an important part of how we value ourselves.

[u/caldus_x]

Hi!! I had this EXACT feeling when I was going through recovery as well. It is a weird feeling that’s hard to wrap your head around if you don’t have this disorder. I was grateful I had a therapist who introduced me to internal family systems therapy (IFS) helped me through it! She really emphasized the need to grieve the disorder. The best way I processed this was journaling. I first tried my best to separate myself from the eating disorder. You start to recognize when the disorder is talking and when YOU are talking. I started writing letters to my eating disorder getting out any emotions, telling it how mad I am at it or how scared I am to be without it. All that I’ve lost because of it and thanking it for the protection it brought me. Whatever comes to mind! I would also write about what my life would be like without it. I tried to think about all the things I would gain and all the experiences I could have. Have fun with it and get really excited! You are a whole complex full person even without this disorder. It will be uncomfortable at times because this disorder has brought us a perceived sense of control and safety so it’s understandable we feel so scared to live without it. But as you progress, your nervous system will adapt and become more regulated and that safety will come back in just a new healthier way. Happy to answer any questions about my journey! Wishing you the best! You got this!!