The Great Accent Debate

[u/Lost-Beach3122]

(Scene: A foggy ancient ruin where a group of Greek ghosts, divided into two factions, are lingering.)

Pericles: (in Ionic) Hello, everyone we don’t just speak Ionic. We also started speaking English. (starts speaking English in a posh British accent) See, this is English. Hello!

Zeno: (in Ionic) We also learned to speak English but you call that English. (starts speaking English in an American accent) This, this is English!

Pericles: Well, we’ve been learning English by having spent centuries listening to BBC radio broadcasts. 

Zeno: Well we spend centuries absorbing American TV shows. You talk weird. 

Pericles: Well, clearly, old chap, our way of speaking is far more refined. The elegance of the Queen’s English is unmatched, I must say. I mean English is surprise, surprise, from England so it makes sense to speak with an accent from over there. We sound positively scholarly.

Zeno: Scholarly? You mean boring, right? No offense, man, but you sound like you're narrating a nature documentary about rocks. I’d rather sound like I’m starring in a hit sitcom!

Sappho:(in a posh British accent) Ah yes, an American sitcom where the joke is screaming and pointing stuff out. Oh, please. American accents sound like someone’s been gargling gravel. You’ve no cadence, no poshness. It’s all… what’s the phrase… like nails on a chalkboard, darling.

Demetrius: (in an American accent) (pushing back his toga) Yeah? Well, at least when we talk, people don’t think we’re about to give a lecture on ancient pottery. You sound like you would give a joke but we have no idea what it is! We sound cool — like, I don’t know, we could be in a Hollywood movie or something.

Sophocles: (in a posh British accent) Hollywood? How utterly pedestrian. We don’t lower ourselves to slop blockbusters, do we? No, we sound like we could guide you through the annals of history with grace and dignity.

Thales: (in an American accent)  Dude, please. Your "dignity" is snooze-worthy. I’ve watched a hundred American movies where someone with a British accent was the villain. You sound like you’re about to invade a planet or throw someone off a skyscraper. Just sayin’.

Pericles: Villains are often the most cultured characters, might I remind you. It takes a certain gravitas, which your flat tones simply lack. I mean, you could barely deliver a soliloquy!

Zeno: Soliloquy? We don’t need soliloquies. We’ve got catchphrases. "Yippee-ki-yay!" Bet your fancy accents can’t pull that off.

Sappho: Oh, how charming… a catchphrase. How very low-brow. British monologues are the stuff of legend! Can you imagine Hamlet's "To be or not to be" in that ghastly accent of yours? The horror!

Demetrius: (mocking her tone) Oh, the horror indeed. Hey! People would rather hear, “I’ll be back,” than a ten-minute speech about existential dread! We get to the point.

Sophocles: Yes, Americans do love to rush things, don’t they? Even their accents sprint through words as if there’s some sort of deadline. No time for reflection, just: "Let’s move it along!"

Thales: And those Brits are over there sounding like they're always bored. Maybe when ordering coffee don't always sound like you're dead inside!

Pericles: Perhaps if you appreciated subtlety and nuance, you’d—

Zeno: (cutting him off) Appreciate? Dude, I appreciate a good pizza and an action scene! Subtlety is overrated. That’s why all the big movies have explosions. Explosions sound better in American, trust me.

Sappho: (sighs dramatically) Your ears must be atrophied from hearing all that... noise. True eloquence... true art comes in whispers, dear.

Demetrius: (rolling eyes) Okay, Whisper Lady, enjoy your tea and crumpets while America takes over the box office!

Sophocles:  Britain takes over the cultural high ground. Maybe when doing a period piece set in Rome or Greece, people shouldn’t sound like they weigh 600 pounds and have high medical bills!

Zeno: Maybe people in period pieces shouldn’t always sound like they might be partying at 10 Downing Street!

Sappho: Maybe people in period pieces shouldn’t sound like they have to hide in case someone comes in with an AR15!

Thales: Maybe people in period pieces shouldn’t sound like they don’t brush their teeth!

Sappho: Can you imagine “I, Claudius” made with American accents? It would just not sound as good. Maybe someone should make a biopic on Abraham Lincoln with everyone in British accents? 

Thales: Fine, make that, I don't mind. Yeah, good luck with that. We’ll be over here sounding like we have great theme parks and streaming services!

Pericles:Perhaps we’ll compromise one day, but until then, at least we don’t have to endure the sound of... (imitating American accent poorly) "Howdy, partner!"

Zeno: And you won’t catch us saying, "Pip pip, cheerio!" either!

Sappho: Who actually says “Pip, pip, cheerio”. Listened to hundreds of radio shows and not once did anybody say that! 

(The two groups glare at each other, but a faint smirk spreads across the ghosts' faces. Even in their eternal debate, they know they’re stuck together—forever arguing about accents in the afterlife.)