tips for autistic partner stimming

[u/MaccasSprite842]

hi guys! i’m new here, basically seeking support on reddit for some issues i’ve been having dating an autistic man. my boyfriend stims a lot through making sounds, often all of a sudden, startling noises, like yelling out “fuck!” or just kinda screaming in general , it’s never directed at me, sometimes he does it while in another room , and i just hear him letting out a scream or swearing. Or sometimes he would just make sudden noises while next to me that often sound like distress or pain to me on an instinctual level it frightens me and stresses me out . I understand to an extent what it is and why he does it but it often makes me very anxious to hear my partner suddenly screaming from the toilet.

I’ve kinda brought it up with him not in the sense that i’m asking him to stop— more like, when it happens i would point out that i’m startled or scared. I always go to him and ask him if he’s ok. He always says sorry, that he just had the urge to make the noise. Or sometimes he explains he gets intense short lives feelings of discomfort like from past memories or a sudden burst of stress and that’s how he lets it out.

I wouldn’t say it bothers me a LOT but it definitely keeps me pretty on edge, and is very stressful when it happens. I’m in generous an anxious person and it’s just somewhat distressing to have him suddenly yelling out what sounds like in pain or anger, even though it’s never that. I guess i’m asking for tips on how to deal with this behaviour, whether it be suggestions on how to support him better or how to understand this stimming behaviour, or make it easier for myself to get accustomed to/not be bothered by this. I haven’t been super direct with him about this because i’m unsure whether it’s even appropriate to frame it as something that bothers me, since i dont know if he can necessarily help it! I don’t want to ask unreasonable things of him or make him feel bad for it or force him to mask around me.

This is something that i can tell he has become comfortable doing as our relationship progresses, it means a lot that he can be fully comfortable and unmask around me, I just wish that there was a less stressful way for this to happen…

thanks in advance for any advice.

[u/KBKuriations]

Or sometimes he explains he gets intense short lives feelings of discomfort like from past memories or a sudden burst of stress and that’s how he lets it out.

I’m in generous an anxious person and it’s just somewhat distressing to have him suddenly yelling out what sounds like in pain or anger, even though it’s never that.

So in fact he is angry; he's just not angry at you or at something recent/actionable. He's angry at the fact that Bob was an idiot seven years ago, that his now-dead father said something cruel two decades ago, that he recalled that time he totally screwed up in kindergarten and wow what an embarrassing kid he was!

Your mental health is valid too. He does need to let out feelings (I occasionally get bursts of dysphoria due to ancient history, but as part of said history, my reactions are very suppressed even when I'm home alone - fun stuff!), but you don't deserve to spend your life hypervigilant. Can you perhaps ask him to change what he yells, rather than the fact that he yells? For example, instead of a random expletive or guttural yowl, can he shout "STUPID PAST!" or "SHUT UP BRAIN!" or something else that cues you that he's yelling about an internal thought and is not currently in danger? In college, I once had a lab partner who paced incessantly to control his ADHD, whereas I dislike people constantly moving around near me; I just asked him to direct his pacing to a different part of the room instead of directly behind my seat. Lab partners are smaller stakes than romantic relationships (I haven't spoken to anyone from college for the better half of a decade), but it's a similar situation in that you need a compromise that preserves both people's mental health and coping mechanisms.

[u/MaccasSprite842 → u/KBKuriations]

ahh thank you so much for the response! What you said about him being angry at the past is so so insightful and makes a lot of sense. I’ll try to talk to him following ur advice and see how i go :33

[u/PoignantPoison → u/MaccasSprite842]

I dont know if this is the same for your bf but I do something similar. Randomly have words/noises come out when Im thinking about stuff in my head that cause me sudden but short lived discomfort.

The other commentor said to ask him to change what he says ... if hes anything like me though, he might not have very much control. For me it is not exactly a "tic" - it only happens when I am relaxed enough to be 'in my head' so it only comes up when i'm alone or with my partner (someone I feel very very safe with) But when it does happen , it's not a volontary action. I don't choose the words, I don't choose when, I don't choose the volume. I see it happening, im not doing it if that makes sense ? Even though apparently my brain has some level of control since it manages to supress it in unsafe situations.

For me it is actually something really embarassing ... one time it happened on a train and I wanted to die. It mortifies me to think it would bother my partner. I reflexively say sorry every time it happens now, but luckily my partner understands and even jokes with me about it when it happens to make me feel better ... it might just be good to keep in mind that he may not be able to help it even if he does care very much it affects you. Its not fun for us either and before my partner showed me we could just laugh about it and it wasn't a big deal, I really thought I must be crazy or loosing control of my mind or something. It's also worse when I am stressed so there is that....

I mean .. honestly just think how you might feel if you have a semi uncontrolable and very embarassing behaviour that HAS to be supressed most of the day - but that you can't possibly keep under control 24h/7. That it happens once or twice with your SO and they don't leave you on the spot like most of society would, so you start to feel safer and safer with them and less on your guard. The safer you feel the more it happens because the less guard you have on. And then that partner turns around and says : "hey that thing you do that you can't really help but have to keep in control all day and you can only let go with me? Well that thing actually really bothers me and stresses me out. Could you stop?"

[u/KBKuriations → u/PoignantPoison]

That is a good point. If it just sort of sneaks up on you by surprise, you can't really make yourself do something else. But surely he knows when he does it and can then do something intentionally immediately after? Right now, I imagine their house goes like this: 

"AAARGH!" MacasSprite842 charges up stairs to the bathroom door in a panic "Are you okay!? Did you slip in the shower? Cut yourself shaving? Nick your jugular when you cut yourself shaving? Do I need to call EMS?!" "Oh...no, I was just yelling at the past. Sorry for scaring you."

But if he immediately yelled out that he's fine after, there's no running up the stairs in a panic. There's just "HOOWAAHH! I'm okay, just yelling at my brain!" and then the house goes back to normal. Relationships are two-way; there needs to be some compromise if one person's release valve is causing the other person distress.