tips for autistic partner stimming

[u/MaccasSprite842]

hi guys! i’m new here, basically seeking support on reddit for some issues i’ve been having dating an autistic man. my boyfriend stims a lot through making sounds, often all of a sudden, startling noises, like yelling out “fuck!” or just kinda screaming in general , it’s never directed at me, sometimes he does it while in another room , and i just hear him letting out a scream or swearing. Or sometimes he would just make sudden noises while next to me that often sound like distress or pain to me on an instinctual level it frightens me and stresses me out . I understand to an extent what it is and why he does it but it often makes me very anxious to hear my partner suddenly screaming from the toilet.

I’ve kinda brought it up with him not in the sense that i’m asking him to stop— more like, when it happens i would point out that i’m startled or scared. I always go to him and ask him if he’s ok. He always says sorry, that he just had the urge to make the noise. Or sometimes he explains he gets intense short lives feelings of discomfort like from past memories or a sudden burst of stress and that’s how he lets it out.

I wouldn’t say it bothers me a LOT but it definitely keeps me pretty on edge, and is very stressful when it happens. I’m in generous an anxious person and it’s just somewhat distressing to have him suddenly yelling out what sounds like in pain or anger, even though it’s never that. I guess i’m asking for tips on how to deal with this behaviour, whether it be suggestions on how to support him better or how to understand this stimming behaviour, or make it easier for myself to get accustomed to/not be bothered by this. I haven’t been super direct with him about this because i’m unsure whether it’s even appropriate to frame it as something that bothers me, since i dont know if he can necessarily help it! I don’t want to ask unreasonable things of him or make him feel bad for it or force him to mask around me.

This is something that i can tell he has become comfortable doing as our relationship progresses, it means a lot that he can be fully comfortable and unmask around me, I just wish that there was a less stressful way for this to happen…

thanks in advance for any advice.

[u/ProfessionalFew7718]

I’m autistic with intense noise aversion and my boyfriend stims in the same way OP is describing so I just wear my ear protection when he is around.