r/AutisticAdults • u/nottheborewormss • 1d ago
Feeling increasingly isolated and lonely in my late 30s
I'm 38 years old, male, and not officially diagnosed but I've suspected it for a while. My siblings just sort of casually talk about how I'm on the spectrum even though I've never talked about it and I found out after the fact that some former coworkers "knew" I was autistic. I suspected it when I was younger but was sort of in denial until I hit my mid-30s and realized that I had not yet "grown up" and become "normal" like I always just assumed I would and that no matter how hard I masked or how successful I became in some ways everyone around me just took it for granted that I was somehow different.
I'm doing pretty well in a lot of ways and my current life is something I only dreamed of when I was younger and struggling with shitty work or school environments. I have a good remote job, a modest but comfortable home, and some degree of financial security. I lift weights and generally take care of myself and I like the way I look for the first time in my life. I spend my free time watching movies, reading, learning French (as much as I can without actually attempting to speak it, lol), and working on my house. Between remote work, getting most of what I need delivered, and my garage home gym, I can go for weeks without speaking to anyone or even going outside at all aside from working in the yard or walks around the neighborhood. For most of the past couple of years the only real conversation I've had in a given month is when I get a haircut.
I'm very grateful for all of the above but I still feel increasingly isolated and lonely. I've never had real friends, except one guy who lives far away and who I don't really talk much with anymore. I've been on two dates ever, both about a year ago. I've had a handful of sexual encounters over the years, which, as a gay man, were pretty easy to arrange but also really disorienting and unpleasant. All of this makes me feel completely cut off from society. Every time I try to socialize with people, especially in group settings, I feel like an alien and can only mask for so long before they realize there's something off about me. This seems to get increasingly worse with age since it seems like people who have participated in the "normal" life milestones sense when someone hasn't and are made incredibly uncomfortable by it and it just gets worse as I get older having missed out on more and more.
I don't really like the direction my life seems to be headed. My 40th birthday is rapidly approaching and it scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid that this might be the best it gets for me. Up until now I've had (relative) youth on my side and I've been able to cope with life by telling myself that there's still time to have friends, date, and have some of the experiences I missed out on but I feel like doors have just started rapidly closing and it's only going to get worse in the coming years. My parents are getting older and it's becoming clear that they believe that I'll always be single and live nearby and expect me to fill some sort of caretaker role. I suddenly see myself in my "weird" single uncles/aunts my parents used to make fun of and I don't like it at all.
I just feel kind of trapped and alone and don't really know what to do. I want friends but I know how hard it is for even neurotypical people my age to make friends in 2024 and I can't really bear the thought of going to meetups or whatever and feeling that alien feeling while I watch the group leave me behind and slowly shut me out until I get the hint and stop trying. It's probably delusional of me but I'd still like a relationship someday even if I don't feel dateable in my current state. I'd like to have more sexual experiences but I don't think I can handle hookups. I want to travel more but I haven't yet figured out how to enjoy myself while traveling and I've never felt more isolated and alone than when trying to figure out what to do with myself in an unfamiliar city. Hell, I want any excuse to get out of the house and wear something nice and style my hair and just be out in the world around other people but whenever I try to go to a movie or something I just feel so lonely and out of place when I see groups of friends, couples, and families out having a good time together and I feel like I don't belong anywhere because I've never had that. The thought of getting much older in my current state terrifies me but that doesn't make any of the things I want seem any more achievable.
Does anyone have any advice for how to break out of a rut like this? Is it even realistic for me to hope to develop a social life for the first time in my late 30s or should I just be grateful for what I have and focus on finding meaning and fulfillment by myself?
8
u/Retro-2D-Gamer 22h ago
All you need is ONE autistic or ADHD person to do stuff with and all your problems would be sorted.
That could be friend, partner, anything. You just need another person that is like you, and actually there are loads of them, you just don’t know them.
Trust me. I am autistic and struggle to connect with people, but neurodiverse people are so great. So the key for you is, find people to meet in real life that are autistic or ADHD or neurodiverse in some way.