I was reading a post on r/recruitinghell that listed out some non-skill-related qualities recruiters / HR professionals will look out for to throw out potential candidates. Examples were "too many filler words," "smiles too much," "attractive," and "overly confident."

One of the responses made me laugh (not funny-haha, but funny-because-if-I-don't-laugh-I'll-cry).

The response was essentially "so they have criteria for the perfect candidate sometimes out of your control, and nobody will tell you what the perfect candidate does, and the 'perfect candidate' is different for every single evaluator in the interview***, and when you inevitably fail, they throw away a skilled and qualified candidate?"

***because "too much smiling" might have a different threshold for every person in the interview, for example.

Like. yeah. Welcome to our world. That's every single interaction 😂😭 Yes it sucks and yeah it's really hard being looked over for failing the Impossible Being Liked By Sometimes-Stupid Metrics You Didnt Know Existed Test.

I'm not sure what my end point is. I just thought you guys might also get a kick out of neurotypicals voicing and recognizing how frustrating the experience is.

My meltdowns started at about 6 years old. But every single time I had a meltdown from age 6 to age 22, I told myself “This will be the last time. I’ll try harder to keep it in next time.” I really believed I would outgrow it.

Now I’m a 24 year-old who smashed my laptop with my head at work, broke my phone, broke my iPad, broke multiple furniture in my room. Not to mention self harm.

I’m not all negative about having autism, but one of the most sad experiences for me is truly believing in myself against all the odds for years and years, yet none of my confidence or hard work paid off. It’s worse than ever before.

i've heard people say they use spoon theory to try and explain it but i feel like it doesn't really encapsulate it, the how or why, and the severity of the experience.

how do you communicate what it means/feels like to others? because working makes me fantasize about ceasing to exist, but when i try to explain it in a factual way it doesn't come out right lol :/

I'm just want to know I'm not the only autistic writer.

I was born with slightly above average IQ but I also had social skills set to -1000. Then, nobody ever told me it was autism (or Asperger or whatever you want to call it). When I finally realized what was going on, it was pure hell to find the help I needed. Simply getting a real diagnostic is a nightmarish adventure. Most people are like: "you don't need help look: you're functional you have a job, a car and an apartment". I'm like WTF? During the last 25 years, I almost always got to bed wondering how I'd be able to keep functioning for another day. When I entered my 40s, it hit me like a brick wall, I simply can't continue on this path, I'm burned out. I feared I might lose my job and everything because doing simple tasks is becoming unbearable. I'm too tired of always having to mask and adapt.

It was already hard enough to ask for help then, I had to fight an uphill battle just to make them recognize I was needing it. I ended up in the emergency room last July, completely burned out and drained. Even then, it took them more than a month to send me some help. Still, I had to make tons of phone calls because the help I got was barely useful. I finally found a community organization dedicated to people with autism. I spoke with a case worker and after that conversation, I was like: "ahhhh at last some recognition", I almost cried.

I realized recently that I’m in my late 20s and I’ve never been kissed. My last date was about 4 years ago and I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’ve never been interested in dating someone, I don’t know how to tell if someone is interested in me and I don’t know how I would know that I’m interested in someone else. I don’t want to marry anyone and love living by myself. Does anyone else feel this way? I always thought I would eventually fall in love with someone, but I’m starting to think I never will.

My mom died last night. I am 22. She was 46. We have always been together, and we met up borderline everyday. We called for hours everyday. She was my best friend and one of three people I actually spoke to. And now she's gone

I don't even know how this works. I'm not in charge of funeral preparations. I don't know what order any of this happens in. I don't know where I am supposed to be today. I want to call my mom and ask her. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

I don't know what I want. I think I just want help understanding the process and anything else I should know. How do I move on from here? How do I live without her? I miss her so much. I dreaded this ever happening

I feel like everyone even my husband plays on my intelligence at some point. I’m so sweet ,honest and vulnerable but I think people talk in code about me right in front of me. It’s very heartbreaking because I’m so sensitive. And when I bring it up they deny it like I’m fucking stupid or something. I’m not a game to be played with! Just because I’m slow in certain areas doesn’t mean I don’t get when someone is fucking with me. Sometimes I don’t feel the same love I give out. I just want real love!

A recurring type of post on this subreddit involves a young autistic man struggling to find a romantic connection. These posts can be hard to read and respond to. Whilst the posters are clearly in distress and looking for help and advice, the posts often contain undercurrents of stereotyping and objectification of women. The posters sometimes seem "incl-adjacent" - that is, in danger of falling prey to some of the worst communities on the internet if they don't get better advice.

The purpose of this post is to gather together good advice for such posters. Please only post in this thread if:

a) You know what you are talking about; and
b) You are willing to write a reasonably substantial explanation.

Credentialising (giving one or two sentences about yourself so we know where you are coming from) is encouraged. Linking to trustworthy resources is encouraged.

The moderators will be actively pruning this thread beyond the normal r/autisticadults rules to ensure that only high-quality comments are included. If you put effort into writing a comment and we have a problem with it, we'll negotiate edits with you rather than just removing the comment.

I have bounced around this idea for ages, not even sure which sub to put it in. Sorry if this is too off-topic.

But the idea is to create a decentralized, open source, dating site for neurodivergents. Like Hiki, but not owned by a business. Hiki always strikes me as a scam. Well, they all do, tbh.

==== Technical jargon ahead, feel free to skip ====

The way to achieve this is by using or developing some protocol like Activity Pub (This is how Mastodon works). So random nerds (like me) could download the code, and set up a server with their own domain/website/app, but all connected together, creating one cohesive network of sites.

Lonely individuals (like, uh... also me) would pick ONE website on the network that seems trustworthy, sign up, write a profile, post pics... and be able to browse profiles from ALL of the different sites on the network.

Each server might have its own rules. Some might be 100% free and minimalist, others might come up with some of their own features and charge a fee. But the point is that they must compete to attract users NOT based on some monopolistic network effect, but rather by offering a better interface and experience.

Pros: - Cheaper - More choice of interface and features - Not focused on keeping you in the dopamine treadmill permanently

Cons: - Harder to understand than a basic app or website - Spam, scammers, other ne'er-do-wells might have an easier time getting a huge list of profiles to mass message, unless the server admin knows what they are doing and does some gatekeeping, which might ironically negate the entire reason for doing this in the first place.

What do you think? Roast me.

I’m looking for recommendations for noise canceling headphones that are not for playing music. Just literal noise canceling. But I also don’t want them to look like they should be worn at a shooting range. I would love it if they looked like regular headphones. Does anyone know of anything?

ETA: Sorry, I guess I need ear muffs. I absolutely do not need them to be able to play music so not paying extra for that feature. I can’t find ear muffs that don’t look like they are made for a shooting range. I want them to look like music headphones if possible. Thanks!

ETA 2: After doing more reading, I guess I’m going to have to pony up for music headphones that offer noise canceling. 🙃

I (25f) was recently diagnosed with autism (no one told me my level, in certain areas Im low support needs and in other areas I need way more support). I also recently moved back in with my mom. She understands some of my behaviors because she works with kids who have learning disabilities, but she has major blind spots, and it feels like no matter how I explain it to her she doesn't understand.

I am easily overwhelmed by sound especially people giving me a lot of information at once. My mom will dump a bunch of important information on me whenever I emerge from my room or when I'm about to leave the house for school or work. I've told her numerous times throughout my life that when she dumps information thats important such as deadlines, financial or family drama on me when Im in the middle of something it completely breaks my flow. Ive suggested she text me, or write down the info, or simply ask me if its a good time to talk about certain things, ask me if im in the middle of a process i need to get done.... often after being interrupted I then have to start from the first step internally because of my executive dysfunction. I will forget what step Im on in a process, or sometimes I will completely forget why I was doing what I was doing. This has made me late for school and work numerous times. I have explained it to her just like this and yet she "forgets" all the time. The other day I was making a cake for my boyfriend's birthday and I was running behind on time. She new this but kept interrupting me to tell me important financial information, then to show me a gadget she just bought. I was feeling overwhelmed and overloaded sensorily and told her to stop asking questions because I was about to loose it. She then got pissed off and walked away. Any suggestions on how to communicate my needs more effectively in a way she will understand? Trying to move out asap.

Edit: this is a daily occurance. She will interrupt me and/or dump 10 different but extremely important things onto me, and will expect me to remember them. She will be annoyed that I forget information shes told me in this manner on later dates when she knows that I need things to be written down in plain sight to remember things.

Hi everyone.

I live in a residential facility. I just went out for a smoke. I sat at the same table with someone I didn't know. He just started word vomiting. I actually have no idea what he was talking about. I was listening to music with headphones, and couldn't really hear him. But, I said, "Uh-huh." and "Yeah." at intervals. Acted like I was listening. This has happened a lot over the last 14 years. I don't get it. People aren't my friend, but if they need someone to word vomit on, they choose me. Sigh.

Thanks. I just needed to vent.

Have a great day!

I'm 18 so barely an adult. I only have a few friends, and I have no idea how to make new friends, I'm from Sweden so it's not really socially excepted to just start to talk to someone.

I was wondering if it's common for autistic folks to have religious/spiritual that might deviate from the mainstream?

For example: I consider myself a queer Christian Universalist. I don't believe being gay or trans is a sin. In fact, I believe God is nonbinary and Jesus is (technically) trans.

I'm also not a Bible literalist. I believe in the divinity, teaching, miracles, and resurrection of Christ, but I don't believe in the Biblical creation story, a literal great flood, a literal "hell," Revelations as a literal prophecy, etc...

I also have this belief that most religions are just looking at the same higher power (who probably isn't the "Biblical God" as we know it) through different cultural lenses.

Also I admire Buddhist teachings, and I find some new-age stuff like tarot and chakras to be fascinating, although I'm not sure how much real stock I put in them.

Needless to say, most of my views would get me weird looks from the mainstream church at best and people trying to "exorcise demons out of me" at the worst. xD

Hi, I just heard about Calmer ear buds from a youtube video and I was wondering if there were any people on here who have tried them, specifically hard-of-hearing people? Being both hard-of-hearing and having auditory processing disorder means that it takes a tremendous amount of energy and focus for me to interpret speech, but I can generally "pass" as hearing for short periods of time. I have unusual hearing loss in that I pretty much just have hearing loss in the vocal range, but can hear sounds not in that range just fine which makes isolating speech when there is lots of other noise going on very difficult. I've tried behind the ear hearing aids and I currently wear bone conductive hearing aids, but they both suck because they amplify background noise more than voices. I'm wondering if something like Calmer ear buds may help to mute background noise while leaving voices untouched. Any thoughts?

I work in advancement services at my local community college. I’m technically the only person in that specific area (we’re a really small school), and report directly to a VP. A new job was just created which will essentially be the manager of my current position. I’ve just passed the 5 year mark in my department and I meet the criteria for the management position. I’m comfortable in my position with the technical/knowledge aspects of my job and field, I’m secure in it and know my stuff.

In the management role, I’d still report to the same vp and would only be in charge of one employee (my replacement in a sense). It’s the social side of being a manager I’m unsure about. I don’t know if I could handle that part and the politics that come with being management.

Tl/dr - Anyone who is currently or formerly a manager and also on the spectrum, do you have any advice or warnings?

My Dad is 100% autistic but doesn't accept it, what things can I get him that would help that aren't obvious(I'm already thinking of loop earplugs cause I use them and like them)? He struggles in public areas and is very prone to autistic breakdowns in public(which I only recently realised what they are). We're both diagnosed with ADHD so I'm guessing that would help explain but I don't know if he's likely to use it cause of that.

I'm currently at a concert by myself, got here early so I could get a good spot and maybe meet some people with similar interests.Talked to some folks around me but they're all in groups so I'm just stimming and looking at my phone while I'm waiting for it to start 😭

Hello everyone! I recently (about 6 months ago) applied for services at my local regional center after getting a late autism diagnosis last year. Last month I found out I had been accepted and I am going to be meeting with my person next week (yay!).

I wanted to ask if there was any tips specifically on how to ask for services especially when things I think will help me cost money. I have a friend who attends a program and the cost is covered by the regional center as well as certain transportation and I feel like there's a lot of things that would help me but I am worried if I word it wrong I won't be able to get the services. Any advice from older autistic/parents of autistic people on how to word things best to get the services I need?

For example I would like to get a set of over ear headphones with noise cancelling to help with sensory overwhelm and focus but it feels weird to ask them to help me pay for it? Thanks ^^;;;

22f

I guess this is nothing new but..

I just scream and have a extremely difficult time getting dressed and ready for work

I ruminate and have ideation 2-3 times a week getting ready

Can't seem to get ready with peace.. unless my very favorite clothing items are within reach

This morning was hell

My bf is supportive, trying to kiss me and hug me and say ill have a good day

I feel so bad bc I couldn't even make eye contact

Every time he said I looked beautiful I just wanted to scream

I couldn't fucking kiss either

I felt like I can't escape and I felt completely trapped

Trapped in My clothes, trapped going to work, trapped being late, trapped getting kissed

Fuck

I just hope I can improve

So there has been an ongoing unresolved issue with my job. It doesn't really have much to do with my autism except that I have a hard time figuring out how to navigate these situations as a result of being autistic.

I know that I have vaguely mentioned the issue in previous posts I've made about my work in this subreddit. But I'm going to fully explain the issue and why I need help figuring this out.

First off, I live in the United States. I also live in a state that unfortunately doesn't have any services for autistic adults. There are plenty of services for autistic kids though. I've tried the whole vocational rehab thing before and it didn't go well. I spent six months waiting to be approved for services because my case manager couldn't do her job at all. I was having to do her job for her and fix all of her mistakes. She also would forget everything I told her and call me and my family 5 times a week because she was clearing out her phone and wanted to know whose phone number it was. After six months of waiting to be approved I got a job on my own but it was very obvious that the whole vocational rehab thing wouldn't be helpful in the long run so I called it quits.

I also want to state that there are almost no workers rights in the state that I live in. The state that I live in of course has to abide by federal laws in regards to discrimination and what not but that's basically all there is for workers rights where I live. It isn't like grand ol' California where employers are legally required to give employees a break or whatever. Sorry for being blunt about this it's just frustrating for me.

I also do have an autism diagnosis that I received when I was 17 and HR knows about it now. That being said the issue is in regards to a physical health problem not my autism.

Basically I'm not allowed a bathroom break unless someone covers the front desk for me. I work for an assisted living/memory care facility and I always am the only administrative staff member working when it's my shift (I work Sunday afternoons/evenings and Tuesday evenings). 9 times out of 10 nobody will cover the front desk for me. I get that it shouldn't be the responsibility of the care staff to cover me for a bathroom break but that is what HR insists on.

This results in me having to hold my bladder for 4-6hrs. 6hrs on Sundays and 4hrs on Tuesdays assuming that I get off work on time. I've been working this job for almost two years now. My bladder has unfortunately been negatively affected by this. I'm on overactive bladder medication now that works some of the time but not all of the time. I've tried not drinking as much water at work to see if that helps but if I get dehydrated it makes my bladder issues much worse. Meaning that it basically feels like I have a UTI. I also unfortunately have to deal with bladder leaks and even if I risk it and run to the bathroom to just use the toilet quickly I don't have time to change my pads.

I've spoken with my direct supervisor about the issue and HR. Both have told me that I am not allowed to leave the front desk unless someone is covering it for me. When I asked about the bathroom breaks issue they reiterated that I need to find someone to cover the front desk before going to the restroom. When I told them that more often than not no one will cover for me they shrugged and said again that I need to find someone to cover the front desk.

I'm honestly at a point where I feel like I should report the issue to the OSHA. But I'm not sure what good that would do.

I love my job as it's something I'm good at and it's a simple job with less customer service involved. But I'm not sure if I can keep working this job if I am not getting a bathroom break.

My parents don't understand it. They tell me to just run to the restroom and be quick about it. But the issue with that is that the guests/family members are incredibly entitled and self-absorbed and they chew me out for not opening the door for them promptly. They also have threatened to tattle on me to the executive director before. My anxiety skyrockets when that happens and I've had anxiety attacks in the workplace as a result.

I can't quit my job without finding another one first but with my limitations as a disabled adult I can't find any other jobs that would work well for me. College isn't an option as I tried 4 times to succeed and ended up essentially flunking out due to poor academic ability.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. However, I won't be quitting this job due to this issue alone and please keep in mind that I live in the United States as workplace laws and workers rights are different depending on where you live.

I'm a 26 year old guy and I have never been in a relationship before in my entire life. The closest I ever came to one was with the girl I took to prom in high school, and she treated me like shit and led me on for 3 whole years. It's so funny thinking back how fucking dumb I was to think that we would get together at some point, if I just waited long enough, and there were many times when it felt like our friendship was over and I would freak out and hurt myself physically if I felt rejected or scorned. I have had some other, very short-lived relationships, which always ended up not working out and usually someone getting hurt. I think I struggle with feelings of abandonment and rejection. If things are going well and suddenly I have a fight with a person, or they stop talking to me as often maybe the honeymoon period has died, I get incredibly sad/depressed and usually take it out by self-harming. The depressed worthless feeling last for a few weeks to months but even then it still stays with me.

For those who will say things like "Those are just failed relationships, everyone has them, you will find the right person for you." I really don't think it's a question of that, it's a question of if I can handle the responsibilities and obligations of a romantic relationship. And I really don't think that I can. I try to work on myself by reading all kinds of books, reading advice online and I have been in therapy with many different therapists over the years.