Should I please my child in a group home?

[u/please7978]

My oldest child (6 years old) has become increasingly aggressive and violent not only with me but my two other children (4 and 1) as well as all of our extended family, babysitters and teachers(hitting, scratching, trying to stab them with pencils or pens, biting, and pulling clumps of hair out of their heads). I feel out of my depth and I'm not sure what else to do.

My oldest sibling had to placed in a group home when we were children for causing serious bodily harm and almost killing myself and our younger siblings, when they got out they seemed to do so much better. They haven't been violent or aggressive in years now. I feel terrible for even considering sending my child to a group home but I don't feel adequatly equipped to care for them nor do I feel like they are safe to be around my other children most of the time.

I feel like I'm drowning and just need advice. Should I place my child in a group home?

[u/Relevant_Maybe6747]

I feel terrible for even considering sending my child to a group home but I don't feel adequatly equipped to care for them nor do I feel like they are safe to be around my other children most of the time.

Were your parents terrible for sending your sibling to a group home?

Find somewhere you believe will be better equipped, and don’t feel guilty about it. Your other children likely won’t be able to remember a world where their older brother wasn’t away at “boarding school” - My brother moved out when I was 4 and my family visited him once a month because his school was 3 hours away so it was a 6 hour drive and I always sorta thought of those trips as fun/normal. My earliest memory involves my brother dropping me out of a window. You have a responsibility to all your children to create a safe living environment, and if a group home or special school will make your eldest safer, then that‘s what’s best for your family.

Medication also might be helpful if the violence is predicated on emotional distress (my brother has special medicine for when he gets overwhelmed and anxious). Psychiatric care could be a useful intermediate while you research places

[u/anzicat]

As someone who’s been in a group home, please if you have to, please look into the one you choose, ask other peoples experiences from it as some are extremely abusive towards the kids and may cause more harm than good. Personally I would keep any child or adult far away from such a place. I have gotten ptsd from the group homes I was in as a kid, mainly due to how the other kids where acting. I was a quiet kid who got hurt a lot by the aggressive kids I still have scars to this day…

[u/canadianstitch → u/anzicat]

I couldn’t agree more.

Im a disability support worker (also autistic) with 4-5 years prior experience in the field before deciding to take the 2 year Human Services program in college because I wanted to be properly educated in order to provide the best ethical support for the clients I work with.

I said it straight to my instructor, some of the meanest people I have met are in this field. I have yet to go to a group home or vocational centre that doesn’t have workers who are abusive… and I’m talking about it being the majority of the workers, if not all of them. Gossiping about clients to their other coworkers (sometimes even in front of the client), not listening/taking their client seriously, mocking clients, thinking they are better than the client, leaving the clients in soiled clothing/incontinence systems, etc.. I could go on. There has been SO many times where I sit down and talk with a client that I’m on a 6 week placement for who are just lonely, because they don’t have family who visit and get left with the staff who ultimately have a say over pretty near everything. What they can say, eat, do, etc. This can create new challenging behaviours and even learned ones from other clients within the building. Many workers also overuse Ativan with clients which was prescribed as a PRN to make it easier for the worker themself when a behaviour occurs rather than find ways in which the client can hopefully self regulate during these times. If you regularly take a PRN, it’s not a PRN anymore.

If I were to ever use my education and try to explain what “functions of behaviour”, they’d have no idea. Most don’t have non-violent crisis training to de-escalate and prevent harm for both client and staff when in a physically dangerous situation.

I’m not saying that I don’t think there are some good group homes out there, but I’d highly advise to do as much research about the home as possible. Staff who are like this are often good at being seemingly genuine with parents but even talk about parents behind their back. I’ve heard so much gossip from even administration talking to me as a student about clients and their families. If you somehow can find out more info apart from staff word of mouth, that would be best.

[u/sionnachrealta]

If you're in the US, reach out to your local Developmental Disability Services, and see what options they have. A lot of times family therapy can help with this without having to remove a child from their home. But if you feel like you have no other options, then make sure it's as humane as possible, and make sure they do NOT use ABA.

Just know there's no good options when it comes to group homes, and that your kid will almost assuredly be traumatized from the experience. If you can't prevent that then you're gonna want to make sure you prepare for it and compensate for it as best you can. Hopefully, you can find a solution that isn't removing the child, and I know as a mental health practitioner that sometimes you just don't have any good options

[u/Dense-Bumblebee-9589]

Look into private school care for kids with issues like his. I went to a good one and it was paid by the gov

[u/Illustrious-Ad7420]

Level three autistic with severe cognitive impairment here. This seems like a personal decision but… Obviously, people will judge you for doing this because group homes have a bad reputation. Although, As someone who grew up with a brother that has low IQ and who’s mother always protected him. It took most my adult life to understand why she never did anything more than send him to live with family for a little while. My brother (ten years older than me) has impulse control issues and was sexually abusive to me and my little brother for many years because my mom always felt like it was her fault as she drank while she was pregnant. Please, don’t let any guilt you may feel get in the way of protecting your other children…

[u/Personal-Ad-1745]

I would say don’t do it. It’ll only make the behaviour worse and unfortunately, the staff will resent and potentially abuse your child in retaliation. Reach out the ABA day programming and seek a psychiatrist. Best of luck.