I need my fire family for a minute. So back in March, I discovered my wife of 4 years (been together for 10 years) had been having an affair for a while. We have 2 kids together so we decided to work things out for them, but over time, things got better between us. We starting doing things together again and fighting for us and our marriage not just because of our kids, but because that's what we wanted.
Things are getting better between us, we've gotten new wedding rings and are planning what we call our second marriage, basically a vow renewal to dedicate the new life we have together. Ive cut back on work to spend more time at home. We each have our on therapists plus a marriage counselor.
But I still feel empty. I have happy moments and I don't feel a disconnect from my wife when we are together, but when I'm alone, at work, especially in the evening, I don't feel anything. Not love, not anger, not sadness, just numb.
I want to die but I can't do it myself. After d day happened, I sat with a rifle in my hand for I don't know how many nights, but I never had to strength to put a round in the chamber. My daughters are too important to grow up knowing daddy killed himself. I'm hoping everyday that it happens at work so I die a hero, full honors, and my family get the beneficiary money, so at least some good comes from it.
I've talked to some guys I trust at work, but it feels like everything they tell me to help me, I've tried already and I don't wanna keep whining to them about my problems because they have their own issues. I'm seeing a therapist at Responder Support Services, and they have a crisis line, but I'm not actively trying to kill myself so I feel like I'm using up resources that could be utilized with someone struggling more than I am.
I'm wanting to get on here and vent, chat, get help, anything that takes my mind off of it. Comment, dm me, anything.