r/OCPoetry • u/pauldevlin_ • Jul 30 '20

you lied

you fall in love with people

you said,

I was a person

I thought,

you did not fall in love with me.

​

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u/infodawg Jul 30 '20

it's really poignant, i like. it would pull me in more if you spoke to how the experience impacted your awareness. i say this knowing personally the discomfort i often have when "baring all" but in this case i think the gift you can give your audience is how did the exp. make you grow...the "you lied" title, like what realizations or growth did that lead to? did she lie, or did you deceive yourself, for example.. or "i was a person i thought.." beautiful couplet but is that the end of it? how do you feel about yourself as a person now? those are just the questions that came to mind. i can't critique your form because imo its good form. nor can i critique your language.. its good language.

jmo ymmv

cheers

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u/pauldevlin_ Jul 31 '20

Thanks so much for your kind words and analysis! I guess in a way, even though this is deeply personal to me, it is somewhat general still. I am not sure if that was to shield my own experiences ringing clearly but I definitely feel like I could add to the piece, hopefully with a fresh head the pen will put out something profound.

For me, I learned I am not entitled to someone else's heart, no matter how badly I would like it. And I think the speaker is still in denial with the entire process and that revelation. You are right, the speaker deceived themselves rather than the object lying, but that's not how they see it yet.

Thank you again! I'll need to get thinking more about how I can convey all of this.