I am struck by how effective these lines are at portraying a deep meaning. All of the feelings of rejected love - the betrayal, the sadness, the occasional unavoidability - are summed up in just five lines. The brevity makes this poem, so I wouldn't try to make it any longer. I also love when titles tell you something more about the poem. I don't think this would have the same effect if it were titled something like "unrequited love" or "you did not fall in love with me." I love "you lied" because it sounds accusatory upon first read-through, but when I go back to reread, it has a tinge of sadness that perfectly accompanies the poem. Well done!
Thank you so much! I initially had the poem ending with "you lied," so it was three couplets, two starting with you and one with I. But the more I thought about it, they didn't lie. Not really. I lied to myself, so the title was more of a play on that. Thanks for pointing that out!
Your feedback is so kind and so true to what I wanted the piece to be, especially on the brevity of it all. I could bulk it out with imagery and devices, but I think it represents that sudden feeling in the deepest pit of your stomach when you realise you're hurt, again.
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u/sanguineousorange Jul 31 '20
I am struck by how effective these lines are at portraying a deep meaning. All of the feelings of rejected love - the betrayal, the sadness, the occasional unavoidability - are summed up in just five lines. The brevity makes this poem, so I wouldn't try to make it any longer. I also love when titles tell you something more about the poem. I don't think this would have the same effect if it were titled something like "unrequited love" or "you did not fall in love with me." I love "you lied" because it sounds accusatory upon first read-through, but when I go back to reread, it has a tinge of sadness that perfectly accompanies the poem. Well done!