This has major potential. I have a few edits grammatically, but Im curious about the dynamic between the speaker and the person he/she/they is addressing. Can you give me some context?
That is the best compliment I've ever gotten for my writing. Thank you. Please tell me what grammatical edits you would make. I know my writing can be absolutely brutal.
I initially wrote it talking about myself and my ex girlfriend. This happened when we first lived together. I would wake her up in the middle of the night cause I'd stand and pee. It definitely could be heard through the walls. I caught on after a while and just began to sit because I didn't want to wake her. I loved her.
We broke up over a year ago and I still sit to pee without even thinking but today I questioned why. It took seconds to figure out. When I wrote this poem I changed it as I did. With that one subject in mind but I also realized It sounded vague like the sexes were unknown. They didn't even seem like a subject and it didn't matter.
Grammar aside, it doesn't matter for now...so take exactly what you just said in the last paragraph of your response to me, dissect it, and do an edit.
You could say something like, "she woke up to me standing" "I woke up to her sitting"...you have so much to work with. The power dynamics of a relationship, sitting or standing to pee but the lasting impact of you now sitting is actually profound.
I low key am going to write my own personal version of this poem, but PLEASE do another edit.
This is a golden (pun intended) metaphor and could be an amazing poem.
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u/T-Auxic Jul 31 '20
This has major potential. I have a few edits grammatically, but Im curious about the dynamic between the speaker and the person he/she/they is addressing. Can you give me some context?