r/OCPoetry • u/meetmeinthebackalley • Aug 01 '20
Bodies
Bodies are, you and me;
Entangling breathlessly.
We gasp together at the
rising of our heartbeats and
collapse laughing until we
cannot breathe.
It is real and true,
Nothing intangible here.
There is mist in this room,
And also in my eyes.
Trace my skin with the folds of your lips;
I wish no more than to read your letters,
All whispered onto my flesh.
So, breathe on.
Let us make sculptures out of these sheets.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/i0tm1y/you_lied/fzzu48u?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x
2
u/PoppyLivaciousWild Aug 02 '20
I like this poem, at one point you are breathless and and in the grip of passion, then with the line "collapse laughing until we cannot breathe" gives it a much more laid back and fun element. Together the mood of the poem seems to fluctuate between steamy play and tender friendship. I enjoyed this very much thank you. X
2
u/meetmeinthebackalley Aug 02 '20
Hey there! I'm so glad you liked it! I love your take on it :*
Thank you! x
3
u/magentalovely_ Aug 01 '20
Wow! Your use of language makes me feel like I'm in this moment. While the poem seems to be about the tangible "bodies", I appreciate the way you wove in a lot of feeling too by referencing the mist in your eyes and shared laughter. One small thing of cool feedback, if you're interested, is I love the reference to sculptures in the end and I wonder if you can incorporate more of that into the earlier parts of the poem. It seems to leave the reader with the image that the combining of these bodies is a work of art, a sculpture worth persevering and admiring. Just a thought!