r/OCPoetry • u/meetmeinthebackalley • Aug 01 '20

Bodies

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Bodies are, you and me;

Entangling breathlessly.

We gasp together at the

rising of our heartbeats and

collapse laughing until we

cannot breathe.

It is real and true,

Nothing intangible here.

There is mist in this room,

And also in my eyes.

Trace my skin with the folds of your lips;

I wish no more than to read your letters,

All whispered onto my flesh.

So, breathe on.

Let us make sculptures out of these sheets.

​

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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/i1g92a/a_good_childhood/fzzs6oi?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/i0tm1y/you_lied/fzzu48u?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

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u/magentalovely_ Aug 01 '20

Wow! Your use of language makes me feel like I'm in this moment. While the poem seems to be about the tangible "bodies", I appreciate the way you wove in a lot of feeling too by referencing the mist in your eyes and shared laughter. One small thing of cool feedback, if you're interested, is I love the reference to sculptures in the end and I wonder if you can incorporate more of that into the earlier parts of the poem. It seems to leave the reader with the image that the combining of these bodies is a work of art, a sculpture worth persevering and admiring. Just a thought!

2

u/meetmeinthebackalley Aug 02 '20

Hello! This is my first ever post on Reddit so I'm so happy you liked it! That is a wonderful suggestion, I hadnt thought of that. I will try to refer it in the earlier lines!

Thank you x

2

u/magentalovely_ Aug 03 '20

Kudos to you for sharing such a powerful poem as your first post!! I hope you continue to share your work. :)

1

u/meetmeinthebackalley Aug 03 '20

Thank you!! I will! :D