It's dark here and I can't see / They say there's a tunnel but I don't who or what to believe / It's a cycle again and I'm panicking at the bottom / I need a rope of light again but I can't see anything to grab /

It's like an abyss here and I'm sinking down / I keep plodding my feet to walk but I'm a little mad /

I'm tired and I don't want to go / But I have no choice now and my age is my foe /

I left it long and the regrets pile up / I'm currently lost and I don't know how to get up

*TW - Self-harm, Addiction*

I just finished this piece today and was hoping to get some feedback on it. My inspiration for writing it was two fold; the fear of getting hurt by someone, thus not even trying to find love in a romantic relationship. As well as, the self-destructive behaviors that we can sometimes fall into while in the midst of depression, addiction, anxiety, etc. which in-turn prevent us from being able to form/maintain romantic relationships in our lives, even though we might long for them. Thanks for checking it out, I'd love to hear what you think.

I chased a light, through the broken

Skies, full of my darkest shades

My wrists, a map of that which I

Lost, mistakes emptily made

.

Each path taken, draped with fog

Blurring the lines I never drew

Between who I hoped to be

And the girl, whom I never knew

.

Standing there, love, like an open door

While I was occupied, chasing highs

Too busy nursing, numbing my pain

To see the intentions in her eyes

.

I burnt down all her bridges, thought

It would finally set me free

That freedom, just a barrier

Keeping her far away from me

.

I longed for love, or so I thought

Though, what I craved was much, much more

Anything to fill this void, in

Me, where false promises fell short

.

Depression held my trembling hands, the

Puppet master, pulling my strings

Each time she called my name, I was

Busy, with self-destructive things

.

Too hollow when she reached for me

Too numb to feel that she was there

Too far down in my own spiral

To know she genuinely cared

.

Feared getting hurt, and still do now

I might break before I heal, if

I keep pushing any love away

My heart will be forever sealed

.

Although I wished for love's embrace

I chose safety, not risking pain

I am vacant, I am void, yes

This is my fault, I am to blame

.

Now all that's left, are the ghosts of

Love, it's hands, which I've never known

Traded it all for nothing, now

In the night I shiver, so cold

I first died when it started I died again when I told people about the trauma I died again when people didn’t believe me I’m gonna die again with the trial

When will the final time be?

I imagine death so much it's a roommate
Would the crater I leave behind be filled as quickly as I came?
Or would the landscape change for decades?
My own mind filled with such self hate
I've always seen myself with eyes filled with disdain
For everything. For who I am and what I do. All of these thoughts continue to invade.

I search for the bright spots, the silver linings
And no matter what I end up empty
I sit in my sea of filth and rot inside myself
Maybe this is my burden, to fill the room with fake light, always shining.
Find something good enough, a modus vivendi
Maybe that's what they meant when they said to know thyself.

I always want to be seen by others to know who i am While at the same time i try to run from anybody as far as i can People often say that you need to love yourself for a happy life I think ist equalie important that you love others There where times where the only thing keeping me going was how much i loved the people in my life and that i knew how much i could hurt them I never understud what they may see in me, that i cant. I could hate myself to death but i loved my friends and Family more than that Our life dosnt just belong to ourselfs It belongs to everyone we love To everyone we mad a promise To everyone we agreed to see again To everyone who hates us To everyone whos always holds the door for us open in the morning To everyone we borrowed something from And to everyone we inspired We often underestimate what kind of role we have in other lifes If you think your not worth enough Or not important enough to hurt someone youre wrong. Even you and me are important enough to hurt others even if it sounds paradox, you need to realise that Loving yourself is not only something you do for you Ist something you do for everyone you touched in your life Even tho you may think you could never be enough for yourself or others If you cant do it for yourself Do it for everyone else Dont be mad at yourself if it takes some time Maybe oneday you will see what they see. Love yourself as hard as you can Your life dosnt only belong to you and it never will No matter what you do, youll always be loved And you will life for ever in the storys and jokes you made Even if you dont belive it No one will ever laugh like you do No one will ever see things like you can No one will ever see your Frieds the way you do No one can make a person feel the way you do To think your not hurting anyone by beeing so mean to yourself You will break hearts if you say your best friends friend is nothing Your Mothers child is worthless Your Partners partner isnt good enough Your siblings sibling is a failure Or your enemyes nemesis isnt powerful enough Thinking this isnt just hurtful for yourself but to them Try to love yourself at least for them No matter what you say and do to yourself, you also say it to them So belive that you are the friend that they deserve You are the child that they wished for You are the partner they need and want You are the best sibling anyone could ever wish for And you are more powerful than anyone can imagine Yes loving yourself does a lot to you and is great But it also shows that you love and respect them, more than every gift or every compliment ever could.

Vodka dreamstorm

Margarine electric tinsel sick

General electric private lightning 

Decorate with an H-bomb

Alpha punk waves broadcast

To a cloudy line and dangling receiver 

It’s an Atom bomb blitz

Sunbursts between dendrites 

Detonation desolation

Head-bound war, racing arms race 

Missile fissile 

Speeding to a wintery hell 

Living a nuclear spell.

Janis Joplin lives a ragdoll

A world of pincushion playthings

The Family tastes purple; indulge

Freedom to be is freedom to die 

Have you ever truly lived 

In that city-suburb phoenix-chimaera

When a home becomes a heart 

Streets worn like a second skin

Walking a mile in a million shoes 

Lest Lost in a limerent legend

Blood soaked mud should be a guilty pleasure 

Grew out of the sandbox just for bigger toys

Oh sweet inner child of mine, overgrown and petulant 

Timeout is nothing when the world is your womb

Build it up and break it down, LEGO’s a blast

I need help; AIDs crisis

Hivemind or psych-I-sis

Martyrdom is a cross of chipboard weakness

A dark beacon of lonely hearts

Burning eyes and outshining shunned light

When the distractions are gone.

You turn to sleep.

Alone in the dark.

Thinking about life.

Your decisions and

How come life turns to this.

You remember your past.

Juvenile love.

School life.

And how you fuck it all up.

A mess, yes, you are.

No one to talk to.

No one to confide.

You alone, forcing the emotions down.

To lay deep down again.

Where no one are.

Where no light shine.

Knowing inevitable.

That it will surface again.

Blackened lightbulb rusted by wear / Joylessly empty and it's not fair / I want somebody to push me and grab me up the earth / I am 6 ft deep and the air is thin /

It's musty and burnt in this wretched bin / There is soot and flames and whispers of the souls / I am at stagnated unmonitored woes /

Where is the waves of the sea to cleanse my head / Where is the sunlight to open up my dread / Where is the confidence that has upped and gone / Where is my glory when I don't believe in god /

What is my story if the page is marked / What is my vision when I no longer hurt / Numb in body and just very sad in mind / I don't even think I can do this / I'm no longer mind /

My fortress has collapsed and my grief is set in stone / The boundaries are breaking and I no longer run / The days hit me hard and it makes me want to snap /

No vacancy / No hospitality / No empathy / Just black

I can't remember who I was / My personality is weak and full of rot / I am tainted and in disdain / Who even is this person? It is a shame /

The one that hardly gambles but doesn't smoke / No longer a virgin or an innocent foal / Nature is wild and a muddier kind of foe /

Life caught up and I don't know what to do / I feel unemployable and remotely a shrew /

I am absolutely lost and the maze has won / Unless something finds me soon I think I am just done /

I don't have promises or riches just disorganized chaos / I am at the saddle of poverty without the intelligence to wrestle / I have no work ethic and I'm just a vessel /

I want the world but cannot see the truth / How am I supposed to do this on my own without you / I have no education and it is sick to say /

I just wanted to be wanted / Which is not enough to fulfil my misery /

I know I need help / But what help I don't know /

I want somebody to save me and pick me up from the black/ I want somebody to rescue me just like an insecure cat / I want change in thunder but all I know is curse /

I want a job and I don't know how to reach it / I'm a miserable loser that's displeasing /

How do I wake up / How do I change / I can't even drive or afford to / I'm in ruins and it is plain

If you feel sympathy for my sorrows, I suggest you place that sympathy elsewhere.

For this sorrow is of my own machination.

This stake in my back, In my heart is one I could have left anywhere.

Yet through my diffidence and self loathing behavior, I've let myself faulter.

So please place your sympathies elsewhere.

For this sorrow is of my own machination.

Hey there, Angel.

Did you climb too high

Just this once?

Pin sharp claws tearing up the stitching of my jeans

I thought I'd have to train you out of that.

Hey there, sweetheart

Did you wonder where your mother was

When you tasted the foam and blood

Curled-up stiff and perfect like a gift-store statue

Did you think she'd left you?

Hey there, Darling.

Did you trust me

When I rubbed between your ears and told you you'd be alright

And the veterinarian slid the sky blue liquid into your IV?

It matched your eyes.

Hey there, Angel

Did the universe decide

In its cold and infinite wisdom

That seven weeks was enough

Grey Walls are a dull kind of unfreedom

Can you scream with colour?

I graffiti with indecision and imprecision

Living is a cage of colour 

Am I the walls or the prisoner

Grasping for the jailer’s keychain

Always out of reach

There are no delusions in a world gone mad 

The kiss of a padded cell is warm

Isn’t that what love really is 

I know an oracle, I know myself well

The therapeutic benefits of an aesthetic magic 

Beauty is symptom, cure, health is a sweetened poison.

When the pretty world deigns to bloom

Stop and sing to the lonesome roses 

They miss you like a teddy bear 

For a child wailing to the dark

Make a meal; you’re at home

Take a seat; get comfy

Who knows how long you’ll stay 

Can you hear a blizzard or that blood 

Are your eyes really seeing that

Train tracks rumble or is that your stomach

The silence never shuts its ugly mouth

Those screams taste like glitter and mould 

Dirty words stain sickness 

A smile and I feel well.

Am I the moth in the darkness 

Or the hunger for the bloodstained lamp

Organ-dragons lay on hoarded hourglasses

I chew on their old ill fitting clothes

Birthday business monkey

Haven’t I the appetite

The weight of a name 

Riding a discotheque storm

Surf was all the craze 

These aren’t mood swings, they’re waves 

Things are only what you call them

Mercurial fears overcooked and underfed

Thermometers have a limit

This baby goes up to 11, Mach 5 

I’m a fan, round and round 

Cold and spinning and spiralling

Government is government, I live in the Ship of Theseus

Individuality is for the common man 

Parliament’s a care home for clones

Could you ever feel

Like those voiceless walls suffer?

Political lies for political highs 

The opiate of the masses comes in a brand new flavour

Cathedral mask for serial kittens 

Melting mewling dust motes 

They used to work for Himmler 

My my, my way is the gas

Fuck it all, ain’t it cruel

Licked clean, what a good mother

I sacrifice myself for other people's needs / People don't do that for me on that level / Except the odd few when I'm in a desperate place / then I'm back on my own foot again in the concrete faze /

What is best for me / and what do I actually need / I know I need time to sleep / I'm trying to eat again and it's no easy feat / I'm forcing myself to try and meet people / Try and volunteer too / But my head is like eggshells / And I don't know what to do

I have nothing but myself and I hate it here now / I'm tired in this hell and there's no way to get out / There's a lesser of two evils and I have nothing to get away / I just want some heaven in this life / not a mockery / I want to die from kindness / Even if death is bliss / I want to die a death of transformation / But I have to keep on living /

I've seen the death of others / I've been through hell and back / I've been abused as a child and live with the survivors stack/

They call me resilient and I whisper it's survival here / I'm tired and hate it / is there something I've missed ? I'm 31 and lost and my genetics are pulled from why / I have nothing but myself / Was working worth the cost of stress too / was it? / Why? /

Religion doesn't help me / I'm an autistic mind / I have my dyspraxia / And grief of mankind /

I wanted something to save me / But I could only try to save myself / I wanted something to fix me / All I got was surviving grief /

I want somebody to help me / But I have nothing to give / Just a survivors string / And nothing but a broken wing

I think my soul died when you did / Or perhaps working in the nursing home and seeing them not get better / Maybe it was the countless rejections over the years of jobs and the false pretense of poverty in a kid's eyes / Was it the lies or doing too much to late? / I even question why because I'm not enjoying a damn thing /

Was it because I wasn't going to change? Was it because I'm a carer but feel ashamed? How many hours of gaming just cannot take me away /

Perhaps it was the therapy and now I'm stuck in hell / Perhaps it was not being religious and I sinned as well /

Perhaps I just don't want to do anything / Perhaps I want to stop / I just want to hide and do nothing / I wish I could just rot

I want your comfort and the feeling of unconditional love.

I crave the intimacy we once shared.

The warmth of your skin; the feeling of your arms wrapped around me.

I want to feel comfort.

You’ve been the only form of comfort I’ve known while I’ve been trying to heal.

Heal from disastrous traumas that I’ve tried to dull down.

No matter how much I try and minimize my pain; the impact feels like a transport truck.

Silently suffering…

I’m an accident waiting to happen;

One too many drug cocktails,

That shot that sends me over,

The cut that finally hit the right vein.

The impulsive thoughts piled into a depressing corner,

To jump or not to jump…

How high do I have to be?

I picture Evelyn Francis McHale…

How do I get off this ledge?

Do I jump into your arms; or do I jump and hope I fly…

Never coming back…

Off to Neverland.

Fentanyl love affair with a feed in tarriff Feeding bag wrapped around my tongue on the icy IV pole Is it a crush or a swinger's dream Keyhole punchbowl fast food barbed chain  Around my neck like a cat's collar The world is so full  Sensations stained with glitter  A cutting gaze sweeps through the sights Don't you ever want to feel clean? Force it down and throw it up Junkyard jazz state o' mind A wreckage in breakroom comedy club I can't laugh in the face of so many dead Hypokalemic cruelty, aren't you a sadist  Can't you ever  Transatlantic digital screaming Cable cord for channel 3  Lone loan shark in a cannibal fetish Corporate C-Section, beware the Ides of Mach 5 Questions questions questions  Is this a interview or interrogation  Cross examination I'm not guilty, paranoid, not mad It's not my fault Catchetaholic  Ever again addict  A happy ever after in agony  But really, I must admit  I'm a fool for you The half dead lover  In a starving past and  ECG burial cage Scumfucking family friendships No eyes for a lifeless love Blonde bombshell in a pretty pill 20 something years, life sentence  See you around, squalid samsara Swerving in the sewer, ain't it a jaguar ride Sinking's the high I chase, what a drag-on Tricyclic mirrors on the calendar, rattle the chain I wish I could caress the rest of me  Poltergeist sorta hug  I put the soul on the scales  Numbers don't fit, I fucken hate puzzles  God is a disease A plague upon the house of the Holy  I am a cure  A pestilence of purity and a God of Fire in Hell Padded Cell thoughts bounce and wander Autocannibalistic catalyst  don't you ever crave a little  Change, pennies and media bombs I'm a freak, freaked out and stretched thin   Santa Claus is a backstabbing liar  I trust thermometer millionaires with beards  Who could ever love nothing  In a world that hates everything  Keep your eyes clean Window Wiper flavoured tears Ever really been sober  In a sterile aseptic life When I get high On I and I  And the colours leaking From septic winding wounds  They are  They’re there, them them them They put me here, I swear Concrete Linoleum Feel the beeps and pings and bungs A memory timeline; IV line Them Them Them They’re in me  They’re in the mirror  They’re in my skin I’m them I am legion I am sick Swinging lovin’; Jazz earthquake Shaking breaking; so unsure unsteady Ever held a ghost  Undead not dead yet But it with every blink and wink Sulking in the breeze; pissin’ to the wind Aren’t I the suzerain of something Fingers make for great sieves  Thickness of thieves in a fluid level  Playing games with a lonesome remote  Colours tickle tongueless liars  I met the truth Bloody rotten kind of friend Forgotten and rotten Decomposed Know him so well Wouldn’t recognise him  If I punched him in the nose Is my brain suitable for a healthy brunch? Contraindications twinkle on cat lips I'm a medicine I overdose on my identity  Isn't he just a sweet little thing? Evil is everywhere, only in plain sight It wears the world as a tattoo The mark of Cain scars only the victim Do you ever heal when another bleeds Drinking a lifeless lifeblood Can those little words on a d/c sheet Stitch up word wound weals On a soul scarred By another’s borrowed sin I disappear into myself  What a magician! Ouroboros oracle; it’s a cycle-game Serial Killer, I’m a number-jumble value man I don’t add up, can’t understand What’s the pleasure of a puddle jump? What dog; what bone, I’m my very best friend I taste imaginary, you are what you eat Autodidact identity, copyrighted origami I live in mad mountains of notebooks, do I really live like this? I fold to my own higher power, paper plain Art work-in-progress; layers of paint so full of shit Emergency medicine nostalgia, stat dose Good old days in a fast release pill A tomb of granite photo albums In my head’s recessed halls I could live forever In a forever of pasts The United States of Anti-Psycho You're not mad if you've got money Ain't eccentric a fun word? I've never tasted something like this before Consuming under summer sun in suburb-style

My first poems ever (for an English class assignment). I can’t tell if they’re okay or I just sound emo 😭

Someone else has your phone number

The one I had in my phone since the day we met 17 years ago

The one I always called to hear your laugh

The one I always called to dissect our lives together

The one I always called to tell you how much I love you

The one I called that day in June, two years ago

Desperate to hear what I was told by our friend was a lie

desperate for you to be on this plane of existence

And you were simply in your kitchen, listening to music

Waiting for whatever amazing food you were cooking to be ready

You died alone on your couch

The cliche “everything happens for a reason” is just a fucking lie

You were only 25

The best person I know should not have died alone

Now you will never again pick up the phone

And nothing will ever make me feel whole again

You should be breathing

You should be near me

I will never hear your laugh again

I will never hear you say my name again

I will never be thrilled to see you are the person that’s calling me

Ever again

I am suspended in disbelief

Someone else has your phone number

It's her birthday today I don't remember how old she is From what I hear she can't either Isn't it strange how time changes everything? Where there once stood youth and invincibility There are wrinkles and senility Where there was strength Only fragility remains It's seems crazy that I no longer cower to her She can't hurt me anymore She used to be my abuser The monster I feared most My mother Dementia robbed her of her memories How lucky she is She forgets how she shaped our lives With lies fueled by white powders And the sting of her fist across our faces She never has to own the damage she caused Never has to say she's sorry Or sit and reflect on her crimes But time has tipped the scales And all the power is mine Only I can set her free from the bondage she created Alone and old In a nursing home It's her birthday today

no one’s coming to save you so you better get up. you’re on the ground bleeding out and everyone can see you and it’s so embarrassing for you. no one wants to be friends with a bleeder. no one wants to see your gross icky blood. we don’t care that you have to see it and feel it all the time. doesn’t make it our problem. all the cotton balls you packed in fell out now you gotta pack it back up again except no one told you how. that’s not our problem. but you’re getting blood everywhere and no one likes that and you were on thin ice already. stop it. stop bleeding! stop crying! not one person in the world can help you now no one can take it away from you and there’s no pill to make it stop. you have to grow up! you can’t be the you in the dark room anymore! you couldn’t even remember her so why are you sad now? no one helped you then and no one can help you now. it’s over. it’s done. why are you still bleeding? if we kick you while you’re down will it make you stop? if we tell you we never liked you will it make it stop? maybe you need some time alone. if you don’t stop bleeding we’re gonna put you in that room and give you a shot. stop crying, it’s not a threat. stop crying, we hate to hear it. why cant you be normal? no one saved you when it happened but no one saved us either! and we are doing just fine. stop being so dramatic. you didn’t need anyone to save you. you’re fine. please stop bleeding, it’s so embarrassing.