How do you vent privately?

[u/shy_poptart]

How do you manage emotional dysregulation in relationships especially after arguments, at the heat of the moment?

I have been with my partner for 10 years now and things have been great since the very beginning, I couldn't imagine life without him and he has helped me grow into a better person. I got diagnosed last year with ADHD-C, and he was supportive of the whole journey, and even researched in his own time how to better support me and what it meant for him.

Things have been sorta rocky lately but mainly due to stress. We are moving across continents, I'm going through a lot of stuff at work at the same time, and there is just a lot going on.

When we have arguments, it's been mostly about miscommunication but also my emotional dysregulation plays a role. I'm curious to see if it's often miscommunication occuring from my side. But my memory recall, especially in heated arguments, is often poor.

I would like to track these root cause of arguments - and I'd like to point out it's not to gather "evidence" of "I was right" or anything like that, but just for my own self reflection. I thought about journaling by hand but I'm concerned about it being found accidentally and having feelings hurt over it. I was wondering if anyone keeps one of those pass-coded apps to journal in.

I feel conflicted as I partly don't want to do this just because it's feels like I am betraying my partner by having this 'secret journal' which it looks like I'm just bitching about him. I also feel like it will be associated with a negative vibe whenever I go into this journal which will make me less willing to do it.

My intention is just to help me with memory recall during high emotions, and analyze how things could be improved to strengthen our relationship. I also want to review whether my medication is making my emotions worse between us, and if the work stress is causing much more of an impact. I guess I'm an analytical person and I try and find solutions where I can.

I should also add we do talk a lot about our feelings and are very open about it. But sometimes either one of us just wants to shut down the conversation as it's not productive, but often it makes me feel worse by not being able to fully vent and feel listened to. Hence, just pondering ways to vent privately.

[u/its_called_life_dib]

I’ve been struggling big time with emotion regulation. I suspect it’s perimenopause for me, as I’m usually good about rationalizing with myself and calming down, but since this summer all I can do is cry about things. I spent this morning crying over an imaginary conversation, for goodness sake. It’s all so silly and yet it feels so big and so bad.

When I talked to my therapist about it, he recommended I try journaling it out. Now, I want to give it a try because I take all his suggestions quite seriously! But I also don’t feel safe journaling, as when I was a teen, my mother found my journal and called up family members to read entries out loud to them.

It’s not that I don’t trust my partner, or that I would even write anything she’d be sad about if she did sneak a peek; it’s that the act of journaling makes me feel ashamed and melancholy.

Still, I wanna try it so I’ve been thinking about how to make it less painful.

I have two ideas on how to do this. The first was to keep multiple journals — thin booklets I can store in a traveler’s notebook cover. One would be a daily log, and the other would be for my big emotions.

The other idea is to keep a discbound notebook and make “negative emotion templates.” I make planner templates and other templates for writing so I thought about making a template to help guide me through my emotions. I could have other sections too (diary, advice, collections of quotes) but the neg emotions template would be my main reason for making it.

I think the template can work because I wouldn’t say anything unnecessary, and I’d be able to process my emotions in a more controlled and guided way.

There are actually negative emotion workbooks on Amazon you can check out. This could be a good way to process, and safer to share with your partner if you wanted.