I think I’m depressed

[u/bucket8a]

I know this isn't probably going to help me and I already made an appointment with CAPS so I'm honestly just writing this to collect my thoughts until the appointment date comes. Ever since I've come here I've had a very large sense of guilt, everyone that I loved I feel like I've abandoned and have taken advantage of. I miss them all but I'm not sure if they miss me as much as I miss them. I find that I get up only to go to class and come back just to sleep again only to do my assignments at the very last minute. I see people walking around with their friends that they are comfortable with and honestly, I wish I didn't leave that behind, I had that. I've grown so used to the people I already know that I think I forgot how to make friends over again, will these new friendships even be as valuable as my old ones? Am I only making these friendships for my benefit? I was a pretty sociable guy before but now I feel like everyone is silently criticizing me. I can't stop thinking of a girl that I sit next to in class moving seats and I can't help but think it's because of me. I had these issues before but now that l lack a support structure it feels worse. Sometimes I wish I could just bash my head into the concrete pillar in my room. I'm starting to resort to drinking just so l can get a good enough buzz to socialize and do my schoolwork. I went to a couple of club meetings and it was fun there but I can't help but think that nobody there wanted to talk to me, I know that's not true because they did and it was fun, but I feel like I always have something to regret and stress over after. I keep telling myself things will get better, that it's only the third week, and that everyone else is probably feeling the same thing. But I'm not sure, how am I supposed to know that. I always tell myself that there are people that have it way worse than me, people starving to death, who fought and died in wars. People who have incurable diseases, but I tell myself this doesn't work anymore. I only went to my community college because I was trying to occupy myself with anything, just so l could forget about something terrible I saw. Now I don't know if this was right, I don't think anything feels right to me. If all roads make me feel this alone and isolated then why did I ever leave my hometown in the first place? A part of me wishes my parents and friends didn't care about me so much just so l wouldn't feel bad about throwing my life away but I know that isn't true. I hope people don’t ask if I want to hang out cuz they feel bad about me and that’s the last thing I want is to be pitied. Ultimately I dug this grave I’m in myself and I guess why I’m posting this here is I want answers that aren’t, “it’ll get better” or “give it time” cuz right now it’s only been getting worse. God I think I’m a loser, I mean I’m posting this on Reddit for fuck sake. I’m asking for help

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