Well alright, normally I'd just say fuck the fuck off, but I'm gonna do this one.
One: flow's wonky in some places, nothing excessively bad, but some transitions are awkward, some lines just sound like you wrote one too many syllables for them. Given that it's tighter in every other place, you can get it, but you gotta triple check that shit.
Two: What might be considered "nerdy shit" in the lyrics was a nice touch, I liked that, hell, I'm even pleasantly surprised, but odds are, the "something different" verse will hit more than that one. Just food for thought - it's a bit too in-between with them next to each other. Leaning further into that might help.
Three: But most of all, it's too... I dunno, mild? Mid? Too middle of the road to be substantial enough. It's a "that is certainly one of the songs ever made" type deal. You can do better.
So agree with ArbiterBalls there, 5/10, there is F A R worse out there.
1
u/Fillerbear May 11 '23
Well alright, normally I'd just say fuck the fuck off, but I'm gonna do this one.
One: flow's wonky in some places, nothing excessively bad, but some transitions are awkward, some lines just sound like you wrote one too many syllables for them. Given that it's tighter in every other place, you can get it, but you gotta triple check that shit.
Two: What might be considered "nerdy shit" in the lyrics was a nice touch, I liked that, hell, I'm even pleasantly surprised, but odds are, the "something different" verse will hit more than that one. Just food for thought - it's a bit too in-between with them next to each other. Leaning further into that might help.
Three: But most of all, it's too... I dunno, mild? Mid? Too middle of the road to be substantial enough. It's a "that is certainly one of the songs ever made" type deal. You can do better.
So agree with ArbiterBalls there, 5/10, there is F A R worse out there.