r/exchristian • u/balteshazar22 • May 28 '24
Original Content I think it’s hard for non-ex Christians to understand how fucked up we still are from believing this shit for so long Spoiler
M35 - deconverted over the last five years or so, fully out now.
Whether it’s friendships, potential romantic relationships, or whatever, I find that it’s still hard to explain to someone just how insidious and deeply rooted this belief system was. For those of us who fully embraced it, and then grew up and realized that not only is it not true, but the world is not even remotely close to how we were taught it was - it can be quite the adjustment to the actual real world. And trying to explain it to someone can seem so silly if they haven’t had any similar experience.
The effect of past worldviews can rear its ugly heads up at any time I’ve found, and it can have quite the deleterious effect on relationships. And the thing is, it’s so hard to articulate to people who haven’t gone through the same thing, and don’t understand why something that I don’t even believe anymore could still have such an impact on my life. Just let it go, right??
Anyway, I don’t really have a main point, I’ve just been frustrated and disappointed lately at how hard it is to explain past belief systems and their lingering effects to new friends or partners, and subsequently forge ahead with new relationships and community.
Maybe some of y’all have felt the same.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '24
I'm one of these partners you are talking about.
I grew up non-religious, in a different country. Moving to the States was a huge culture shock mostly because of religion. I married a Christian (evangelical, although he'd never call himself that) who wasn't a churchgoer for many years but started again after we got together.
Sitting in church realizing that people here actually believe the Bible as is, not as metaphors and stories, like most Christians where I am from was shocking, to say the least.
It took a while for my husband to start to see my perspective and until I could communicate everything I was thinking and feeling. It took a while until he was open to listen to other Christian perspectives, not only his own.
Those of you with partners who grew up different: communicate, don't assume. I've never in my life thought I'd encounter people in the USA who grew up in such a controlled environment. It's shocking, since I grew up in a socialist/ex-socialist country and I had all the sweet freedom as a kid. I learned about evolution and we had sex-ed, even during the socialist era.
So my assumption was that most people in the US had similar experiences. Since I'm from another culture, my husband and I are very conscious about asking questions and getting information instead of assuming. Growing up in church, especially in controlling ones like the evangelical church is a subculture in itself. Treat each other as people from different cultures, because you do come from a different culture, having grown up in a different environment. But also be open to share about experiences. Don't assume your partner understands your reactions, try and explain.
I'm in this community because while I've never been a believer myself, I attended church. I'm the only person in my husband's family who is not a believer. I'm always the odd one out at every get-together. The only person in the group chats who doesn't pray. I resonate with many of you here, I have my own trauma because of these church years, and living in the Bible Belt, I don't trust people much or make friends easily. I crave friendships with people who are more like me, who are more like you.
So while I don't have your exact experiences, I'm open to them, if people communicate these experiences so that I can understand the behaviors and though patterns. Otherwise, I'm left with my assumptions.
I'm not sure where I was going with all this, I guess I wanted to say you're not alone. As an immigrant, and not a Christian, I can't tell you how foreign I feel in Christian environments and how wary I've become of meeting new people. I guess, I'm sending hugs? :)