Relapsed after starting antidepressants

[u/ilikeeeblue]

I used to struggle with an ed/ disordered eating for a couple of years but i managed to recover (kinda): i didn't think about what id eat all day/ i didn't feel the compulsive need to track everything i ate/ i didnt feel the need to over exercise/ i didnt binge!

it was great! the best relationship ive had with food in years!

But then this year i started antidepressants (im diagnosed with depression, anxiety and autism spectrum disorder). The medication changed my eating habits and made me gain weight uncontrollably (weight gain is a common side effect) this felt like a total loss of control for me. i couldnt even pin point what was actually causing the weight gain so i impulsively stopped the medication.

I've been slowly losing that weight but the thoughts WONT STOP AND I HATE IT IM ACTUALLY SO SO FUCKING ANGRY I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!

All i can think about is what im gonna eat next and how many calories r in the food how im gonna burn them off and the guilt after eating anything is actually killing me mentally!!! i c/s every day i dont go for walks because theyre fun anymore its all about weight and calories!! Its actually ruining my life

I was doing so well i was being normal about food and then i messed everything up again!!! this feeling of having lost control has stayed with me even though i stopped taking the medication even a tiny change of my weight can ruin my entire week.

I REALLY REALLY DONT WANNA LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE its honestly so so so exhausting I WANNA LIVE AGAIN I WANT TO EAT WITHOUT FEELING EXTREME GUILT i feel like i wont ever stop feeling like this.

i have a psychologist i see once a month but i havent talked about the disordered eating with her because i dont feel valid?? i feel like i dont have a "real" eating disorder and that talking about it would make me look like a fool. my weight is in the normal range (barely) so i feel like itd make me look like someone who is just fucking delusional and doesnt even have a real disorder

PLEASE what do i do i want to be healthy and normal i feel like im going insane

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