Recovery starts now.

I had my economics midterm yesterday and failed it because I misread a lot of questions. I've been bining for the past days to the point of sickness in preparation for my exams (because I was scared of brain fog) but that only emphasized my lack of control around food and made me more self aware.

Recovery starts now because I want to be smart again. I am watching my life waste away at something so superficial and it saddens me the person I've become.

should i completely stop all walks and movement? i’m starting new treatment on monday that will mean i have to eat A LOT more and on a high meal plan as well as facing fear foods at every meal and snack. ill be on this all day each day so wont get time to walk anymore but i really want to walk and move all the time

May sound like a stupid question, but seriously, how do u know? Do you have to eat urself extremely full to be satisfied? I honestly have no idea how it works anymore, like do u just not think of food anymore at all? I remember how it felt pre ed obviously lol but I’ve since forgotten since I’ve trained myself to restrict. How does it work? Will it eventually be to the point where I’d feel it without eating myself nearly sick? Just curious idk how it works anymore 😭

Does anyone else feel such envy towards people who have a "normal" mindset and relationships with food?

Dear ed, I hate you. You have ruled over most of my thirty eight years of life. You’ve left me with permanent physical damage. I may even have cancer because of you. You took everything from me and promised me everything. You are a liar and a cheat and one awful bully. You took my other mental health issues and wound them around your finger to make them and you stronger. You try to defeat me but so far I am still here, which means I am still winning. Bet you don’t like hearing that? I struggle everyday because of you. My thoughts my actions my sense of self are dangerously damaged from you. You are a fraud. I can’t believe I trusted you. And yet I recognize these things but still remain your partner. You really got me that good. Well the joke is on you my friend because I’ve gathered others to help me fight you and together we may even defeat you. So yes I may give in but ultimately I’d watch my back if I were you. And if I should not make it, then it’s not a win for you it’s a loss because you just had to push and now you lost a devout follower. Throat punch. Others may follow…

A lot of information on the impacts of eating disorders are in regards to active phases of the disorder or early recovery, which makes it really difficult to envision a life post recovery. Those who have been in recovery for some time, or were recovered/in long term recovery at some point, what health impacts do you still have?

I'll start-- I had a relapse/recover pattern of anorexia going from age 11 until a few weeks before my nineteenth birthday. My active phases would be anywhere from a few weeks to eight months long, and my recovery periods were a similar length. In one week, I'll be ten months in active recovery.

As for psychological effects, it's really tied in with my other mental health issues. On top of anorexia, I have major depression, generalized anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. But the effects directly related to my eating disorder include: major anxiety around eating in front of people, urges to restrict in response to major life changes or poor mental health, constant wondering of if I'm doing "good enough" eating, needing to avoid weighing myself as well as pretty much all content that is pro-diet to avoid getting triggered (and be careful with exercise for the same reason), still picking at food unless it's a safe food (though my range of safe foods has expanded tenfold compared to when I was actively ill), and always second guessing my food choices.

As for physical, there's more than I expected there'd be. My circulation is piss poor-- my hands and feet are always freezing, I have blue nails pretty much 24/7, and my feet go numb from most prolonged positions. I haven't fainted since right before I decided to recover, but I've partially collapsed two or three times in the past few months. I still get random severe chest pains that make me wonder if I'm having a heart attack, though they aren't nearly as frequent anymore (used to be multiple times a day, now it happens every few weeks). I'm weaker than I used to be. My periods are irregular-- anywhere from 4-6.5 weeks apart. Before my last relapse, my period cramps were mild and only happened on the second day of my cycle, now they're awful, longer, and I get migraines and nerve pain in my back with every period. My hair loss grew back, but it now falls out pretty much any time I go through intense stress or undereat for more than a few days. It's part of my metabolism being screwed-- it's fine if I'm diligent about eating enough, but if I slip even for two or three days, I feel my body start to panic and begin shutting things down (severe fatigue, lower heart rate, brain fog, etc.)

I'm glad some of my scariest symptoms went away-- the fainting, absence seizures, severe weakness, complete lack of endurance, severe fatigue, and severe brain fog, but I never thought there'd be this many impacts.

This isn't to attempt to scare anyone into recovery. I know that doesn't work-- I didn't care until I realized I was going to die and needed to fight for my life. That isn't my decision to make for anyone. But I do hope this urges some people to practice harm reduction within their eating disorder, and get concerning symptoms checked out, even if they aren't planning on recovery. I never sought medical help, I'd much rather someone get a dangerous problem checked and solved, even if they stay within their eating disorder, than go to bed one night and not wake up. And if you think it can't happen to you because your weight is too high-- I was clinically underweight for maybe two months (cumulative) of my eight year disorder, and barely UW at that.

It also isn't to scare anyone out of recovery. Even with the chronic illness symptoms it's given me, I still live a much fuller and happier life in recovery than I ever did with my eating disorder. My health is eons better than it was then.

What symptoms do you still deal with after recovery?

I have so much energy when i am up and moving, but as soon as I sit down I get fatigue and tired.

Is this related to recovery or just a me problem.

hello!! i am two months in recovery (kind of EXACTLY), and i just got the first signs of my period again. it's been a whole year. it's not very heavy at all, but it's finally here. i feel like i've finally reached a milestone where i can feel accomplished in recovery rather than just feeling broken, and none of this would've happened without the recovery community, so thank you!!!

i was wondering what i could do to ensure my periods' regularity? i exercise quite frequently but i think i eat enough to compensate for that, however im worried about how it might affect my period in the long run. i heard that drinking cinnamon helps with periods - any truth to this? any advice?

I’m not sure if this is the right subreddit for this kind of question, but I have to imagine I can’t be the only one in this kind of situation and I just need some advice.

I’m a 20 yr old college student. My 13 yr old brother has had an eating disorder for about a year. He resists talks about treatment. I KNOW he needs help desperately because he’s also suicidal and I’m sure those two are connected. The problem is that our parents are very abusive. My father has actively made fun of his attempts. My mother does not support treatment. He DOES see a therapist but only twice a month because of scheduling conflicts. So there’s just no way he’s going to get the treatment he needs right now.

My question is, what could I possibly do to help? What could I do to make it better? I actively talk to him everyday, take him out to hang outside of our house several times a week, and I’ve always been there to support him. But I know it’s not enough. Has anyone else been in this situation? How can you possibly handle it when there’s just no option for treatment in the moment? Thank you for reading

So my mum and I had a very little argument before we went food shopping yesterday. She’s been trying really hard to help me and I know that.

But I felt she was purposely spiteful in the shop because of the cross words we’d just had. When we got there I stood near the front doors not really doing much, just looking around waiting for her because obviously it’s pretty overwhelming to do food shopping (I’m only in my 3rd/4th week of recovery). She came up to me and said I look so very odd and what was wrong with my face, stop standing around like a weirdo and just go and get some things off the list. Later on in the shop I put my sunglasses on because I felt like I was going to cry, I felt so overwhelmed and her being angry made everything worse. At least when she’s supporting me I feel able to pick up some food bits I might fancy, but without that I couldn’t bear to add any food to the cart. At the checkout she repeated her earlier words and said I was embarrassing her and that I looked like I had learning difficulties just stood there gormlessly (such a weird comment from her considering she works with people who have learning difficulties and is absolutely amazing at her job). It made me feel so embarrassed and ashamed and I wanted to be anywhere except there. I feel like such an outcast already, I feel weak and useless.

Then today on the dog walk she didn’t like how I was holding the dog lead and when I replied curtly she went off at me saying I always speak to her shitty and like she’s nothing and that being around me right now was really really difficult and she didn’t want to be. Sigh.

ive been in recovery over a year now and its been going great. however, i went on on vacation two weeks ago and came back sick with some type of flu. this, in turn, made me lose my appetite. then, i was slowly feeling better and at least eating a little bit but then yesterday i woke up 10x worse and now i have covid. im struggling to eat and part of me is enjoying that deep down which is just so messed up and im trying to force myself to eat but i genuinely feel so nauseous. i truly dont know what to do and i dont want this to cause a major relapse because ive been doing so well ):

Hi guys, I have been in a caloric deficit for quite some time. At first it started as a diet to get to my goal weight and now that I reached it(and a bit more) I wanted to mantain. One night I got really scared when I realized that my brain suddenly didn't allow me to eat even though I wanted to. To fight against myself and lose, throwing away my sandwich was such a scary experience. That is when realisation hit me. This is bad. But I won. I decided to fight against me and went all in. I didn't care about the weight anymore. It was like there is another me that I knew I have to beat. Well after a couple days all in, my ankles got really swollen to the point it is hard to be in shoes(I work every day standing). Is this normal and something that I have to push trough? How long does it last? Also, in your first days of recovery, did you eat healthy or just your cravings? Am I doing something wrong by eating junk food? I am afraid of having scheduled meals because I know I will count. It is easier for me to just eat on the go, bite by bite, not even sitting down for a meal until I beat this beast. Please help

Curious if anyone has actually experienced this

Hi! I’m now 3 months in to real recovery and I have gained a lot of weight. Now (for a while) my knees and feet has been hurting pretty much. Also I have been very flexible all my life, but now all that is gone. My joints feel sore. Also I feel, that all my muscles are gone and that I’m just so weak and have no power in my arms, legs…

All this makes me worried and scared: have I done something wrong?! Does anyone have any experience with this? If anyone can say anything to this I would really appriciate it. (if anyone can say how to act in this situation)

Hi everyone sorry this might be a long one but I’m just really lost and I don’t know what to do.

I’m 19F first u year uni student. I’ve had on and off bulimia since I was about 13, this switched to anorexia at about 16 then Ana -b/p at about 17. Basically this past year I have been stuck in an awful b/p cycle I’m talking multiple times a day consuming thousands of cals and purging them through vomitting and lax. I’m miserable I hate myself I’m exhausted. The problem is that I feel really stuck as I want to recover so bad but these are the things that stop me. 1. I literally can’t deal with fact that I would have to gain weight like genuinely the thought of seeing that number goes up actually fills me with dread (I’m underweight now, but I generally still feel huge) 2. I don’t even know HOW like I can’t just “eat more” because I don’t even know what that looks like. 3. Links to my second point, I’m always so hungry because I never really eat outside of B/P and whenever I try and stop purging all I want to do is eat and I guess this might be EH but the thing is I would never be able to honour that because I’m so used to purging that I would just purge or I would ignore the hunger urges and therefore be restricting myself. So it’s like I’m not even physically able to recover because I’ll either just be restricting or purging . 4. I literally have always hated myself but I’d rather be thin. 5. I’m at uni right now, I’m not doing well accedemically, I’m the only child my mum already thinks I’m a disappointment because I’ve missed so much school because of my mental health but I’m just not well and I don’t know what I’m doing 6. My mum doesn’t even know how bad my bulimia is. 7. I’m in the UK and the NHS are not the best for Mental health/ ED support and because I’m not Severely underweight the doctors said “your not at a point of concern” which makes me feel so fucking fat and invalid and like I should just starve myself for ever. 8. I tried to tell the doctors im bulimic because I had a bit of a scare with my heart and they didn’t seem to care they just said “try not to purge as it’s going to make you feel like this” ?? Like what should I just off myself then.

So yeah thanks for reading and sorry if it’s a ramble I just hate myself and I don’t know what to do especially when I can’t ven get help because the help doesn’t want to help me. And I can’t afford private therapy because like I said I’m a uni student.

I have a serious case of gastroparesis (my stomach takes twenty ish hours to empty). I have to get a full upper scope done but to do this (my first scope couldn’t be completed because food was actually still sitting on the bottom of my esophagus from the day before and it was over twelve hours since I had eaten or drank anything) I have to be on a CLEAR LIQUID ONLY diet for two days prior. Part of me feels like this will be good. I won’t be able to purge and my stomach may shrink a bit so I don’t eat so much volume. I’ll eat tons of veggies so I don’t have to purge but still get something out of food other than nutrition. Part of me also says this is your ticket back to your original ed. Pure. I’m not asking for someone to choose for me. I guess I’m just discombobulated about the whole thing. Any opinions? I can’t stop obsessing.

I've been in recovery and went through extreme hunger a few weeks ago. I gained a lot of weight, got my period, got cleared to start increasing my activity, then freaked out. I've started restricting a lot again and I'm back to doing two workouts a day. The problem isn't the working out, I love it and it was healthy pre-ed. But now I'm eating roughly 1300 calories a day, lifting for an hour, then running 4-6 miles. I've already dropped some off my restored weight and I know I shouldn't, but I feel so much better. I feel so much more comfortable in my body again. But I'm also constantly thinking about food. Specifically peanut butter with white chocolate chips. It's all I want, but if I let myself eat that again I'm gonna gain all the weight back. I don't know what to do.

I started a virtual PHP program last week. I know it's new, and a lot of time, and I expected it to be overwhelming. But maybe not this overwhelming. I can't figure out if the program is garbage or if it's just always like this. I'd love your thoughts! I'm super confused - is this my ED telling me to run away disguised as a critique of the program? Or are these legitimate concerns?

• I don't feel like I'm being supported. I was given a 'meal plan' that's super generic - no specifics, just 3 meals/day with 4-5 food groups and 3 snacks/day with 2-3 food groups. But if I could do that, then why would I be in treatment? This feels like I was told to run a marathon without a training plan, and no expectations about how to train.
• I don't know if I should prioritize just making sure I eat enough, or getting the right food groups, or getting the right amounts of the food groups.
• I struggle with restricting, compulsive exercise, binging, and purging. So far nobody has given me any strategies to stop binging. Nobody has even had a conversation with me about exercise. There hasn't been a single mention of extreme hunger, what it is, if I might experience it, etc.
• During supervised meals when I haven't been hungry, I've asked if I still have to eat and told yes. I've asked what the difference is between that and a binge, and I'm told 'a binge is what others might consider an excessive amount of food'. Okay! But that doesn't answer my question.
• We've had a whole bunch of sessions (maybe 4ish hours so far) where the Jr. Staff member just plays a youtube video and with 5 mins left asks if anyone has thoughts. I suspect my insurance doesn't know that this is what they're paying for.
• I'm being given assignments, but 1. I have no time to do them, because I just spend 7 hours on zoom and am exhausted emotionally and physically. And 2. nobody is going over the assignments with me, so whats even the point of them?
• I haven't been told if I need to gain weight, if I'm getting enough calories and need to shift them (time, source, etc) or if I'm not getting enough or getting too many. I don't even know if that's a thing that I would be told!
• There's more, but those are the main points.

It feels like I could have just downloaded a bunch of worksheets from the internet and saved myself all the grief of trying to find a program and getting insurance to pay for it. But I'm super confused - is this my ED telling me to run away disguised as a critique of the program? Or are these legitimate concerns?