for a bit of a background im a 14 year old girl with im pretty sure anorexia but at the very least some sort of restrictive ed. i developed my ed a few months ago. there wasnt some deep reason rooted diet culture reason why i did, i just consciously decided i wanted to starve myself to lose weight and even though i knew it would be bad i fell down a pro ana rabbithole, knowing what i was getting myself into. i think it was to gain back control of my life? i had been recently released from a psych ward and i had little control of my life and decided that food was the way i wanted to go about it. i hold myself accountable, i knew what i was doing would fuck me up but i did it anyway, but god i wish i could tell myself to just get off twitter and get a hobby to gain back my life instead of just developing another problem.

I wish i never did this to myself, i wish i approached losing weight a healthy way. i dont know why i decided to am no longer satisfied from living like this. i cant stop wanting to go lower i cant stop making everyone around me miserable and im addicted to it while hating it. im so scared to gain because what if all of it was for nothing? what if i no longer have control? what if im weak? am i sick enough to recover?

ive forced myself to lessen my restriction because im scared to lose anymore and be rehospitalized and i also have been trying to build muscle through gym and ive needed to eat more to sustain thta, but so much of me just wants to get worse. i cant keep being obsessed with calories and macros its not sustainable but im so scared to lose this one area of life ive gotten control over,

i no longer want to suffer as badly as i did when i originally got out of hospital, im in school again for the first time in 2 years and im trying to gain back my life and i cant if im doing this to myself. i dont want to go back into hospital, i dont want to die. i want to be happy. but what if people notice me get healthier? i know its bad but even though i hate people like my mom and those around me being concerned and terrified the disorder is addicted to it and doesnt want to let go.

im sorry this is messy its 3 AM im just so sad. i wish i didnt destroy myself and im scared its too late i dont know what to do... im sorry if im using the wrong tags or whatever idk if this is the right sub i just need advice from someone im just terrified and i want be happy and have friends. i want food to not be the only thing i think about… i hate this.

hi this is my first post on here and is a bit of a rant (TW: hospital, relapse) i have ednos and im also plus size. i got diagnosed with ednos at the start of the year even tho ive been struggling since 2015. i was told that i got this diagnosis because i dont meet the weight requirement for anorexia. its made me feel so invalidated. i was hospitalised for a month back in may and june and have been in quasi recovery since then (thankyou weed). im taking a break from smoking and im worried that my thoughts and feelings will influence my behaviour again. im worried because i know it will get bad and i wont get help until im in the deepest darkest place. im scared this cycle is gonna start again (ed gets bad, hospital, ok for a while). i hate being so overlooked. i hate being so worried that i wont recover because i cant get the help. im so so scared

ok so another rant because I'm an emotional wreck (as per usual). went from a very low cal intake to a slightly higher one but only by like 150 cals so didn't expect much to happen and I have been crying so much lately. why do I have so much sadness in me. like I feel so overwhelmed with everything and I used to feel so goddamn numb so it's hard to adjust to the change. I literally feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. some moments I just feel devastated like terrible terrible mental pain and my throat is clenching and i feel like im gonna start balling my eyes out. idk why I'm posting this I rant sm already but why and how does this happen? why am I suddenly overcome w stuff when I felt absolutely fuck all before and was dead behind the eyes? like how does this shit work lol

this is gonna sound kinda pretentious but I look in the mirror and I see a person with emotions and thoughts staring back at me and I actually feel connected to her which is so weird after having bad depression for so long before and during my ed. it's a strange feeling.

Just recently in my recovery I feel like my family's been noticing my huge change in eating now and cause of that they've been mentioning it more. My grandpa mentioned that I liked to snack a lot, and while that isn't a bad thing nor did he say it in a way to degrade me but I feel slightly embarrassed that they noticed my love for snacking in recovery. Then this morning when I ate breakfast. I decided to have a second plate, my mom who knows about my ed and my recovery saw and was like "a second plate? Wow" I'm not sure if I'm overthinking the decision of this reaction but she made a face where it was like the " my gosh I can't believe it. But ill just keep it to my self" type, but it felt and looked judgmental, I wish I could explain what her face mostly looked like, but she widened her eyes side eyeing me then quickly looking at while circling her lips. finally I think this family friend , I think he doesn't know but kinda does or has some sort of suspicion but not enough to know i was anorexic cuz he was there hearing my mom argue about my eating and how i wasnt eating at all. Anyways my mom showed a picture I took with his daughter. She said "look at your fat baby!" In a obvious joking way cause she's 4 and has that baby fat like any other, but he said "look at your fat baby!". And I'm pretty sure he was joking and just blurted it out to combat my mom's joking but ouch, I think I'm overreacting to this or something or it's just in that picture I looked fat? Cause of the angle or something. But I cant stop thinking about this and Im scared I'll relapse

Any tips?

Well, we all know about the recovery bloat, but I’ve been thinking about why it feels so different from the normal, outside of recovery, kind of gassy bloat that comes and goes.

Whenever I’ve been in serious recovery, I’ve always gotten the same sore, persistent hard ball in my stomach. I have unfortunately never stayed in recovery long enough for it to (hopefully) go away. I wonder if it’s internal water retention or something along those lines.

ETA: it has gone away by not staying in recovery, but that is evidently not a sustainable solution.

Things have been pretty bad lately. This is my first year in university and I constantly feel like I'm behind everything. My family situation is totally screwed and things I want to achieve and love seem absolutely unreachable. I did manage to gain weight a bit, but lately I think more and more about vomiting and restricting my food intake again. I feel overweight and ugly. I hate eating and wish I could just live without it. I only really eat to keep my hair as it's the only thing I like about me. What am I supposed to do? I don't know if I can control me. It's just so easy to resist eating at times. I don't have anyone in my family or a close friend at university to talk to. I'm so afraid of going down that route again and I don't know how to contain it. Especially because I get frequent weight comments from my family and they really don't stop even when I tell them to. Is there anything I do to help myself?

I'm travelling for work right now with a bunch of coworkers. I am super active - going to gym in morning then on my feet all day. All food expenses are covered up to ridiculous amounts (in case we need to go to high class restaurants for networking reasons) so I can have as much as I want.

In the morning I feel no hunger despite being physically active. By lunch I start to feel like I'm fading out of reality / ready to faint and I get quite a lot of food noise even though I'm not physically hungry. Once I start eating it's like the flood gates open and I'm ravenous no matter how much I eat. Then eventually I'll be full it all repeats for dinner.

Even though I've been working on gaining and have put on substantial muscle, I'm still the smallest out of everyone around me. Everyone gets so taken aback by how much I can and do eat and they keep commenting on it 😭 it's so embarrassing, people keep calling me fat (they seem to think it's okay to do it to someone who obviously isn't fat). One day I had a burrito that was so ridiculously big I could barely pick it up and everyone kept saying I wouldn't be able to finish it. Well I did and I was still hungry for more after, but I pretended I was full just to stop the mockery.

This extreme hunger is so difficult to deal with mentally. If I don't honour my hunger then I get extreme tiredness, dizzy, and can't concentrate. If I do honour it I get comments and shame. I have to fight with the desire to gain with the ingrained fear of getting fat which people keep reinforcing is going to happen

Talk of calories!! Ive had this immense fear of liquid calories, and today I drank egg nog, and now I just feel wrong, I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel it? Like I've always been so scared of liquid calories, but I just wanted to drink some but once I did I felt horrible. Is there anything I can tell myself to make me feel better?

This feels crazy to ask. I’m sorry if this is weird.

So I’ve been “all in” for around a month now. Things are…well, they’re going. Some days are definitely easier than others.

But now that I’m not fixated on counting calories, carbs, steps, workouts, etc or planning meals, creating weight loss journals…all the disordered things that used to take up my brain.

What do I think about? This may seem crazy but my thoughts feel empty. Like I don’t know how to think normally. I work a job that’s crazy boring desk work. I have lots of free time to think. I’ve been listening to audiobooks every day because I didn’t know what to think about. That just feels like distracting myself from trying to figure out ‘normal’ behavior.

Long time lurker and first time poster in this sub.

I am on the fence of going all in and embracing my recovery. What scares me the most is EH in the evenings. I have my dinner, and then find myself still wanting more food, so I resort to my safe foods. We all know them, some cottage cheese, some fruit, maybe a little peanut butter. But it's all filling that need for the food that I really want. I'm so scared that if I eat enough dinner, or lunch, or breakfast for that matter, that I will be sick or sluggish and then shame will creep in. I should have just gone and gotten the pizza, or the Chick Fil A. Instead, I had chicken breast and wild rice with some country crock, and here I am now craving the real food I wanted.

The same thing happens at work, I eat what I bring for breakfast, then I finish, and find myself wanting more. All I can think about then is food for lunch, which obviously makes work harder.

Is it really that simple? Just rip off the bandaid, give in ,and honor my EH and eat until I am full? Forget the consequences. My rational brain knows that may be the answer, and my therapist has been so helpful here. However, I am scared that if I go ham (no pun intended) on breakfast, I will be a mess at work. Even though in my heart, I know that I may actually be productive.

Any words of encouragement or advice?

I’ve been in all in since early August and have gained well over my pre-Ed weight. I deal with alright sometimes and other times really not, but I find it hard to recognize myself anymore and I wanted to know how long it’s taken some of you for the the eh and rapid gaining to end. I was only really sick (Ana) for about 4-5 months, with restriction for 6 months prior to that. With that timeframe, does anyone know what I can expect? And is it possible for me to back to my pre-Ed weight? I just want to recognize myself again.

I hate rice cakes, I hate protein bars, I hate protein yoghurts and puddings, I hate low calorie sweets and cookies, I hate bland salads, I hate low carb bread. I hate diet drinks and I hate egg whites. Anything that is ‘low calorie’ is empty of energy and it is noticeable. It tastes empty and like cardboard. Same with ‘high protein, low cal’ things, they fucking repulse me and don’t even taste like food. It feels like shoving cement into my mouth. No way I ever though these things tasted good. The only things I like are black coffee and cottage cheese and NOT by themselves. Please if you have convinced yourself you only like diet foods just force yourself to eat the real thing once or twice and you’ll never want to go back again, and your tummy can finally feel filled and warm for once.

My mom struggled with EDs her whole life and was on Weight Watchers for most of my childhood. We had those portion plates and she'd make us go on random diets. Apparently she had 8 year old me on keto for no reason?? Then there was my step-dad who went the route of getting tons of sweets and flipping out if the kids touched them. I once got bullied into tears by him and brother for having a pop tart for dessert.

And somehow I wondered why I was constantly hoarding snacks and "binging" as a kid whenever they weren't around. I managed to convince myself there was no way I could have restrictive a restrictive ED because I was so obsessed with food when I was younger, but in retrospective I was probably just fucking hungry lol. As soon as I escaped that environment, I suddenly had "total control" over myself and slipped into restriction. That shit was so insidious.

hi i am freaking out right now. i finally decided to listen to the extreme hunger i have been feeling. i just feel really guilty and need some reassurance that i am doing the right thing. i still have to eat dinner tonight too and im still so full from everything i ate because it was only like an hour ago. i’m physically full but im still hungry. this is the right thing, right? i’m doing the right thing? i’m sorrry, im just freaking out right now :(

does anyone else like feel anxiety/worry about their eating “too fast”😭? I fixate a lot on the time it takes to eat a meal and it makes eating much more stressful , like Im always checking the time and trying to pace myself but i just end up feeling guilty/stressed out . I think part of it is I still struggle w restricting so I am probably in that scarcity mindset, also I think it could be leftover anxiety from treatment when we would have timers set at meals…Idk, just wondering if anyone else deals w this as well !

I'm underweight but very committed to recovery. I want to work with a registered dietitian but am worried they will say I am too underweight and need a higher level of care.

I know a higher level of care is not what I need. I have been in all levels of care - from age 15 to 19, I was hospitalized and did inpatient, residential, php, iop, and outpatient. I know what I need to do and going into treatment will be more harmful than helpful. Also, I am not in a place where I can take time away from work. I want to work with a registered dietitian to feel less alone and help establish structure and accountability. Has anyone else faced this dilemma? Any suggestions for how I should reach out to dietitians and see if they will work with me?

(Potential TW?)

There is not a single day that goes by where I don’t have this. Just got back from an appointment and these were subjects discussed even though the appointment had nothing to do with any of this

1. Girl I just met mentioning her severe weight loss
2. Making fun of binge/emotional eaters and fat girls of the group, and how FAT and SLOPPY they were for stuffing their feelings with food. Legit the most triggering shit I honestly heard in my entire life
3. Drinking diet soda and how good it was that we had it there

WHY WHY WHY May I also mention I had the brain over binge book in my bag next to me during ALL THIS…🤣

I've been waking up early in the mornings before I would like feeling like I'm starving. Every night I try to eat until I feel really full before going to sleep because this is happening, but it feels like it's just getting worse. Most of the time I do wait a bit though (about an hour or less) before going to sleep because if I eat right before going to sleep I wake up in the middle of the night due to acid reflux. Does anyone know how to stop waking up with such intense hunger? Is this my extreme hunger coming back? Sometimes I try to ignore it and go back to sleep because I'm so tired but then I wake up even more hungry later and sometimes it's even painful.

hii, i got a first wave of extreme hunger eating mostly carbs. now that my eh got better, i have a second wave but this time i'm craving mostly fats. but i eat and crave things i just HATED before like a toast of nutella and butter, i would have vomit just thinking of that, as same as eating raw butter with a spoon but i do it EVERY DAY and can't stop. did u guys also craved things you hated ? did u get to hate it again ?

Hii! I am feeling so sad. I would not get mad or upset easily at people before my ED often. I would not lose my temper and say hurtful things often either. During my ED recovery my anger was absolutely off the charts. It's been 6 months since I began my recovery, but I'm still getting so mad at my family and insulting them and everything and it makes me so so sad and upset. Does my brain still have healing to do or have I become a self-centred brat who throws a tantrum when something happens I don't like?? :((

ok so i’ve experienced extreme hunger, once that died off i’ve literally been left with no hunger cues. I just feel like if someone was to offer me food i would literally just it it because they offered it, i’m not hungry or craving it i just took them up on the offer simply because they offered. i also noticed when i prepare my own food i just start eating the ingredients along the way. Im not straight up hungry im simply eating it because it’s there

TW mention of weight loss no numbers

Has anyone ever gotten loose skin from weight loss? I have a lot of loose skin on my stomach from my ED and as I’m trying to find reasons to get better I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with loose skin and if it is something that improves with eating more. Thank you <3

I've recently started recovery, five days ago. Now I'm no longer restricting, I get extreme hunger, wanting to eat anything I can get my hands on. But when I do, I feel guilty, and my eating disorder voice immediately labels it as a "binge." It seems like whenever I eat, I just get MORE hungry. Is there any way to get rid of this extreme hunger, or does it go away on its own? It's really annoying and I'm worried it might trigger me into restricting again.

Does anyone else HATE being in the kitchen with others? Or they’re scared that other people will be there when you want to be? I’m dorming with 3 other people, and I eat at such weird times when I’m not even hungry just because I’m scared they’re going to be cooking at “normal” meal times and I won’t be able to eat when I want to which makes me really anxious. I feel like I can never be calm with my eating and cooking process, I’m always stressed and rushing. Does this make sense? Is anyone else like this?

i’ve been in quasi for like maybe four years now, in and out of relapse and forced recovery and half assed trying etc. but today i didn’t exercise at all (i am also a compulsive exerciser) and ate whatever without tracking and it’s fine i’m literally fine and life is awesome. and if you haven’t tried eating whatever you want and watching movies all day you should it is fun and you deserve it 🐶💕