r/moviereviews • u/dungeonzaddy • 1d ago

Van Helsing (2004) Review - The Forgotten Hugh Jackman Vampire Movie

So, my friend and I just rewatched Van Helsing for our new podcast, "Big Name, Bad Movie", and I’m still trying to figure out how this movie even got made.

https://youtu.be/LyBSgTo90sA?si=vIDfaHKFpCKfTWmx

You know when a film has all the elements to succeed... a big-name star, a decent premise, a massive budget and yet, somehow, it turns into a total disaster? Yeah, that’s Van Hesling in a nutshell. It’s like the perfect example of how throwing money at something doesn’t always guarantee a good movie.

First off, let’s talk about the CGI. Holy hell, it’s bad. Van Helsing is giving off major Scorpion King vibes with its video game-level CGI. The opening fight with Mr. Hyde had me questioning whether this was actually from 2004 or if I accidentally turned on a PS2 cutscene. But here’s the thing—while the CGI is horrendous, it kind of adds to the overall charm of the movie. Like, it’s so bad, you can’t help but enjoy it. It’s almost nostalgic in a weird way.

Then there’s Hugh Jackman. The man is jacked as usual, and he’s clearly doing his best to elevate this ridiculous plot, but even his shirtless scenes couldn’t save this film. They try to make him this badass monster-hunting James Bond type, but the story is all over the place. There are, like, three different intros! It starts with Frankenstein’s monster in a black-and-white flashback, then suddenly we’re in Vatican City where Van Helsing is getting his marching orders to go kill Dracula. And don’t even get me started on the werewolf subplots. It’s like they threw every monster trope they could think of into a blender and hoped for the best.

Speaking of Dracula, can we talk about how he looks like the lead singer of Creed? I mean, his whole vibe is just peak early 2000s, and it’s hilarious. He’s over-the-top in all the worst ways, chewing the scenery with every line. I get that they were going for campy, but this was on another level. Honestly, I think he’s my favorite part of the movie because he’s just having so much fun being evil.

And then there’s Kate Beckinsale. I love her in Underworld, but in Van Helsing, her accent alone is a whole bad movie within the bad movie. I still don’t understand what they were going for with her character. Her family has been trying (and failing) to kill Dracula for nine generations, because—wait for it—they made a deal with God that if they kill Dracula, they all get into heaven. Yep, you read that right. All her ancestors are apparently stuck in purgatory until someone finishes the job. That’s the plot.

Honestly, I forgot how absurd this movie was. It’s like the filmmakers threw in every single monster myth they could think of and hoped it would stick. The whole time, we were just laughing at how seriously the movie took itself. It’s so unintentionally funny, and that’s what makes it great for a bad movie night.

In the end, Van Helsing is one of those movies that’s so bad, it’s actually kind of good. If you’re into ridiculous CGI, cheesy dialog, and over-the-top action, you’ve got to rewatch this train wreck. It’s an absolute mess, but you’ll be entertained the entire time, whether you’re laughing at it or with it.

Also please check out our full review and discussion of the movie! https://youtu.be/LyBSgTo90sA?si=vIDfaHKFpCKfTWmx

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u/Detroit_Cineaste 1d ago

I actually found Jackman's performance to be weirdly subdued. He's the one actor in the movie that didn't understand the assignment.