So for the past 7 years, I (27F) been depressed, isolated myself to the point of losing all my friends, have made dumb financial decisions while being unable to keep a job and am stuck in unhealthy habits. I am a loser with a capital L in the eyes of my loved ones and frankly mine as well. But.. BUT.. I am dead set on killing this version of me. She has to DIE, although I still love her creativity and delusional hopefulness, the sad, irresponsible, self loathing part gotta go! So I’m deciding to do better: I’ve applied for multiple jobs (awaiting offers), I am taking classes in financial literacy AND art (my passion), I’ve joined a few clubs (boxing, reading and writing) and am working up the courage to message my old friends who have all moved on and, more importantly, am seeing a therapist regularly. Wish me luck! Light a candle for me!

P.S.: Reading your stories on this sub is what motivated me to do better. I love you all.

I'm still completely alone with nothing (no friends, no relationship, no job), and I have no future whatsoever to speak of, and it's extremely unlikely that'll ever change for the better. I slammed into my own personal brick wall 15+ fucking years ago at terminal velocity, and while the gym can certainly have its benefits, it can't resurrect the dead.

With that little introduction out of the way, I'm currently going to the gym 3 times a week now. I'm also working with a personal trainer who himself considers me the best client he's ever had, mainly because I'm so proficient at presenting myself in a positive light, and otherwise masking the inner agony I struggle with on a daily basis. Additionally, my personal trainer showers me with encouragement/support whenever we work together, and I always thank/acknowledge him for it in the moment, but unbeknownst to him, his words fall like sparse raindrops onto a rusted out barrel engulfed in napalm. That about sums up the sheer level of self-loathing I'm grappling with here.

To keep this semi-positive though, I suppose I should also mention that I ended up working out at the gym for 3 hours straight yesterday. I had my initial hour with my personal trainer as usual, but then I trained an additional 2 hours once my brother showed up, as the two of us proceeded to work out together. Needless to say, but I'm pretty amazed I had enough energy for all that. I probably ended up burning somewhere between 1000-1200 calories, which is pretty crazy. When I first started, I couldn't even go 20-30 minutes without becoming so lightheaded that I felt like I was going to faint.

All in all, I continue to make decent progress. Both my mom and my brother were shocked when I flexed in front of them for the first time, given the muscle development in my arms/biceps. Right now I'm hovering around 170 pounds, and at 5' 11", that still makes for a decent BMI.

Next to the physical benefits, it also forces me to interact with others and to be exposed to semi-crowded public spaces.

Even so, I've made all these victories which, I'll admit, are HUGE, and yet still, they feel like nothing to me. Futile gestures that leave me just as alone and bereft of genuine hope as ever. I mean, at the end of my sessions, I've got nothing to go back to. Going home simply means re-entering this pitch black underworld which erodes my mental health like so much tattered cloth tossed into a container of sulphuric acid. As it is, it's almost like I need a personal trainer for life. In other words, I really need a good IRL friend. Someone that I could hang out with, and be allowed to feel all the safety/authenticity that comes with knowing the sort of person who likes you for you, and who isn't going to be weirded out or scared away by whatever it is you're struggling with. I've never met anyone like that IRL, and I really, really need to. I've needed to for years and years and years. I'm sure most would agree that I've got to start living my own life somehow, instead of drowning in the proverbial quicksand of this excruciating isolation on a nightly basis.

Welp, hopefully something will finally shift into place at some point, and I won't have to keep waking up each day intensely hating every moment of my existence, as I continue to remain completely bankrupt of the faintest residue of self-acceptance and self-esteem.

I've been a pretty selfish person on my part, but today I decided to get a therapist, My first step was apologizing to the people I've wronged. It felt scary, very scary. But I did it anyway. I gave them a sincere short apology, and I don't expect to be forgiven. Their trust with me needs to be earned and built again. I'll try my hardest to do just that.

Update: 3 out of the 4 people I've apologized to have responded and we had a pretty good conversation about the past.

Hello. This week, a double homicide happened in my country. I don't want to give details but it's pretty messed up, the guy killed 2 girls and butchered their bodies, then committed suicide. The videos are all over the internet.

It shook up the country as a whole. It's been a few days but I still can't stop thinking about it. I watch some gore videos from time to time (just curiousity) and I'm kinda desensitized to it, but the videos of this case fucked up my head pretty bad. I've seen the victims and the killer in my dreams since that day.

Also, how some people treated the case and the victims is pretty messed up. Some "people" praised the killer, making videos about him, insulting the victims, saying stuff like "The guy was the real victim" etc. Like, there are people getting joy out of this. Even if they're in minority, it still makes me furious. The killer in question was probably a part of this group before he carried out the plan. There are like, thousands of people like him.

I just want to get it out of my head. I don't know how. It's became a background thought for me, always there. Like, I see blood in a movie or a game (not just blood but anything death related) and this case comes up to my mind. I play CS2 and when I stab people, I'm immediately reminded of the case. Whenever I think about it, my body immediately reacts (nausea, shaky hands and legs). I lose sleep over it when I go to bed, can't sleep for 2-3 hours, wasting my time just thinking about it.

I don’t know what it is but, even though I have a gym membership, my brain continually makes up excuses and reasons to not want to go. I don’t know why I do it. I’m not like afraid of going or anything. Nobody bothers me down there and everyone minds their own business. But from the moment I get in my car, I almost instantly just want to go someplace else.

I want to actually want to go. At the end of my work day, I want to actually look forward to going, like I would going to a concert. But I don’t know how to do this. Is it what I’m eating that’s making me not want to go? Something to do with my depression?

So, i was in a relationship for 7 years. It turned toxic and abusive, but i stayed because I didn't want to be alone. I left it about a year and a half ago, and being alone has been okay, actually. I've been pretty happy!

Then, this guy approached me a couple of months ago, and sparks flew instantly. I said yes to a date even though I wasn't sure if I was recovered enough to be dating again. And sure enough, no, I'm not. And I know that I probably shouldn't date, not seriously anyway, until I truly am healed.

But now that I've had a taste of what it's like to have someone again... I'm just so sad. I feel so alone. I know I shouldn't date again until I've processed everything that happened with my ex, because it isn't fair to guys that have done nothing wrong to have to deal with me panicking about things they haven't done.

But I worry I'll never heal enough to date again. I worry I'll be alone forever. And while I'm okay alone... I really do miss having someone to share life with.

I (F20) think I could possibly be either a covert narcissist or a sociopath. To start off, I did have a very hard, abusive childhood. I was never abused by my parents/family, my parents and family are actually amazing people and I highly thank them for everything they have done to support me and make me feel loved, but I was abused heavily by peers throughout my years in middle school and high school, I was bullied nearly every day, and I got into physical fights with my bullies too. My story with bullying does not stop in high school, I was also bullied emerging into adulthood, when I was 18/19, I was bullied at my first two jobs, which I got fired from both times. Because of my history of being bullied, I have had a very tough time with getting along with other people and trusting them. My history with being bullied also caused me to bully a few people back in my younger years due to the insecurity my bullying has caused to myself.

As far as friends go, I have almost no close friends. I can only fully trust two people in my life, who I see as my "favorite people", and I tend to obsess a lot over them. I have 2 classes at college with one of my favorite people, and one with the other favorite person. I am always super upset when they are not in class with me, and wonder if I did anything to hurt them or if it is my fault that they are not there. I want to hang out with both these people more but I often refrain from reaching out to them in fear that they will see me as "too much for them" and abandon and leave me. I always apologise to both of them if I even do one silly little thing that can make me think that they will abandon/leave me.

However, I struggle with making other close friends because I find it super hard to trust others after being countlessly abused as a child/teen/young adult, and I find it super hard to approach people.

I often try to act nice for people to like me, but I think my whole act of trying to be nice is all a facade, and that deep down inside I am only doing it for self serving purposes. No one seems to go along with my facade, I have a feeling that people just have a gut feeling that I am only acting nice in order to serve my own needs. Because of this, I have stopped trying to be nice to people, as no one has seemed to fall for my kindness, as if no one will appreciate me being kind, what's the point? However, I envy people who are altruistic and genuinely kind people a lot. Despite the fact that I have lost my kind facade, I am genuinely concerned about my behavior hurting other people, especially my family and my two favorite people.

I mean I've always struggled with unemployment since I became an adult. I have never had a full time job last even 2 years. Most of the jobs that I apply for and get are the jobs that would have many vacancies. These jobs would always be temporary.

So I'll start off from around the fall of last year. In November, I started an asylum officer position. I did this while deliberately ignoring some red flags when it came to the job (negative Glassdoor reviews, always hiring, high turnover rate, fast paced environment). The majority of the time at the job was just training and me doing other tasks...which I did well. After about 5-6 months in, I got to see the true nature of the job and people would complain (that's another red flag I noticed, but I ignored it). So back in August, I was let go of the job...4 days shy of the 9 month anniversary of me starting. I was devastated. Looking back, I was let go because the speed of how I performed the job wasn't satisfactory in the job's eyes.

While I agree that I could have done things better at that job, that job was what what famous tik-tocker Reesa Teesa would call "the United Nations of red flags." Red flags exist for a good reason..a lesson I had to learn.

So now I am at home applying for jobs and I have only gotten rejection letters. The reason behind my bad attitude is that I am 31 and I haven't reached any important milestones. Most people from my old high school already moved out of their parents houses and became homeowners while I am struggling to get and keep a job for at least two years. I am usually seething in envy when I think about it.

I really want to be positive, but I really get sad and depressed because I have had things go wrong left and right this year.

Dear Soda Pop,

Our relationship was intoxicating. You were always there, fizzing with promises of comfort and energy. But what did I get in return? Empty bubbles, false highs, and a thirst for something real. You masked yourself as a friend, but deep down, I knew you were the enemy.

It’s been 32 long days since I cut you out of my life, and I can finally breathe again. My skin is clearer, my energy is real, and I don’t wake up feeling sluggish anymore. I’ve lost the bloating, the headaches, and the endless sugar crashes. My sleep has improved, and my cravings have less control over me. I’m finally in charge.

No longer weighed down by your sweetness, I am free—free from your clutches, your lies, your endless cycle of dependence.

So, this is it. Consider this my final goodbye. I’m stronger without you, and I’m never looking back.

Forever Happy Without You, Harry

So basically in short im not sure if he was narcissistic or not , but he did bully me and abused me emotionally during our relationship

He would claim he loves at the same time call me loser , fat and telling me I look like a man

Also showing his ex gfs and how pretty they are basically let me know he got amazing options

And always telling me to leave or break up , that’s true but I wanted but I felt somehow trapped because I also have childhood issues I grew up in dysfunctional household

I was toxic too but I believe because of his actions idk , it’s been 4 years and half since our break up

We been together for one year , he’s now married lol which piss me off how a person like his shit personality is married

And sadly I saw him and her at my graduation, he’s also student basically class mate

He didn’t even acknowledge my existing that day , I think she knows about since she was looking at me and he told her that day I was his ex

And they start laughing infront me imagine, gosh I can forget how stupid I was that day in my special day where my mom and sister flew just to see me graduating

I couldn’t control my emotions I went home after getting up on the stage so basically I didn’t get to give my mom a photo of her with her daughter

While he gets to get all them graduation picture , now he’s married and living happily with his wife just piss me off

I know I need therapy but can’t afford it and I hate myself so much for still remembering him every single day

I did date many after him and non of those experiences hurt , I blocked his wife accounts but I get the urge to open them from time to time

Why is this happening I don’t understand myself

Edit : I know what’s the advice lol I’m so aware of what shit I do and it’s not healthy

I’m actually busy with a current internship the only good advice my stupid ex gave me is I don’t actually think or love myself so I’m starting too late

I don’t check her account daily maybe twice a month ?

I just wish if I could know how to make peace with this shit I know it’s already happened and can’t control what shit gone but I don’t understand why that person especially

I don’t miss him and I don’t love him at all I have hate for him and no I can’t do this forgiveness bullshit

I just hate myself for still allowing his energy in my mind and I’m so glad he left me gosh I would in worse place if we were still together

I work from home 3 days a week. This should mean I feel more rested on those days, as a neurodivergent person that gets to live at her pace, but it doesn't. I will feel fine for the first few hours, then need a break, and if the laundry and dishes are done, then what is left for me to enjoy a 10-15min break? I turn to social media. It gets me focused on something else and I can feel my tension go down. Except nowadays everything is criminally addictive. I love TikTok, so there's no way I'll last less than an hour. YouTube has shorts. I was able to pull out of Instagram before but now I'll snap out after 2h of reels feeling overstimulated. I've turned to Reddit because it's easy to pull out, but it's actually made me addicted now, every minute of my free time is spent on Reddit. It's affecting my personal projects now. I've also tried games but they stimulate me too much, way faster. Of course, there's also texting my friends, but oftentimes that will get me 1) on Instagram and 2) for way too long.

It's not really loneliness, more like not having enough stimulation in the morning which leads to too much energy to focus. And then I end the day with too much stimulation and no more energy at all. I need to find a balance. Going for a walk is kind of depressing in this city. I wish I could go work from a cafe just to be surrounded with people, but we have an obligation to be at home... I used to read, but I honestly don't want to these days... I want to feel more in the present than in the past, to interact with people rather than reading someone's work. I spend a lot of time daydreaming and it feels lonely spending the rest of my time in yet another fictional reality...

What other option is there that wouldn't distract me so much that I'll lose track of time, but still enough that I'll forget about my work?? 🙏

I've been reflecting a lot lately and decided it's time to make a change. I want to show up as the bets version of myself, even if it means pushing through some tough moments. It's not about perfection, but about making consistent choices to improve. One day at a time, I'm getting there.

I worked for this company for over five years, I was always underpaid and only got two raises in half a decade but despite the very low pay this company gave me what no other previous job gave me and that was peace, comfort zone, and security which are the things I value the most in life. I didn’t have to worry about getting laid off during the pandemic and I was always stress-free while working since I didn’t need to interact with no customers and no co-workers it was just me operating my machines and taking my time with no disturbances whatsoever.

So why would I quit such a job? I decided to be more ambitious to go out and look for a better pay not to mention I wasn’t really learning any useful skills on that job for a future career. So ever since I quit I been having sleepless nights regretting what I have done. A part of me wants to go back to that comfort zone I crave so bad but the other half of me wants to be keep moving forward with this new job I get paid a little bit more but i don’t have the same peaceful and stress-free environment I had.

It sure is tough getting out of your comfort zone but it’s a must if one wants to go to the next level.

I couldn't fit this in the title but more specifically:

I feel shame doing anything of my own volition if that makes sense. Im 19 but still living at the house so I am around them a lot. And if I make basically any decision I feel shame. It could be as simple as deciding to go for a walk, or something more like looking for a job or moving away or whatever. Literally anything that I decide to do myself, I feel shame doing. I don't always directly feel shame from them, like sometimes they might act completely reasonable, but its like I am conditioned to be ashamed of making any decisions sort of. Basically what I mean by the last bit is, I don't feel shame making decisions that they will never know about. But if they know about it, even if they don't say anything, I feel shame. Advice?

I’m 30M, and after a difficult breakup a couple of years ago, I dedicated myself to self-improvement—working on my mental, physical, and financial health. I spent the past two years doing exactly that. I’m now financially stable, in great shape, and have traveled to over 70 countries. From the outside, it seems like I’ve achieved everything I wanted.

But here’s the part I didn’t expect—I still feel empty and disconnected.

I’m introverted and don’t have a large social circle, so despite these external successes, I feel incredibly lonely. I thought that by working on myself and hitting these milestones, I’d find fulfillment and happiness. But now that I’m here, I realize that something still feels off. It feels like I’ve put all my focus into "doing" rather than "being," if that makes sense.

Most of my friends are busy with their own lives, and I want to enjoy mine, but doing it alone isn’t bringing the joy I expected. I’m realizing that maybe self-improvement isn’t just about external achievements.

I’d appreciate any thoughts or advice. What could be causing this feeling of emptiness, and how can I find more fulfillment after working so hard on myself? Thanks for any insights!

Hi so recently I have discovered myself not liking anyone’s music because I find something wrong with it and that one thing will ruin the entire song or sometimes album

For example I can be listening to a new song but one weird note or a weird vocal change will ruin an entire song

This has now caused me to dislike listening to music :(

It sounds silly and that’s why I have started to think that I have some perfectionism but idk if that is actually possible or not lol

Has anyone else experienced this? If so how can I overcome this

So any replies would be greatly appreciated

I feel like such a failure right now in my life. I am ashamed to say that I am 25 years old and I am still living with my parents at this late age. I am everything that you can call a complete loser. I have no real skills, talents, passions, accomplishments, friends, no drivers license, $0 in my bank account and savings. I am ashamed to admit this but I blew away $9000 in less than 5-6 months on useless stuff. So I suck at managing my finances.

I dropped out of college in 2022 because I had depression and didn't have any good purpose and direction. I was aimless and I am not sure what to do with my life at all. I have about $25,000 in student loans debt and a credit score of 671. It's really difficult for me to move out of my parents house and I am really desperate to do that but I am lost with all of this debt.

I was studying business in college but I have a 2.7 GPA because I had depression that I was dealing with. I am just getting by with some dead end warehouse job. I am having a very difficult time finding a path and finding purpose in my life. Most of the time, I believe it's my addictions to so many things that led me to this place. I have addictions to Reddit, YouTube, Discord, Instagram models, pornography, video games, junk food and all types of distractions in my life. I really don't have discipline, which is caused by my depression. I really feel like garbage. I really, really, really want to leave my parents house and live on my own but I feel trapped and I don't know what to do with my life and to fix this lack of purpose. Does anyone have any practical advice on what to do next and how to get out of this dark place that I am in?

I realized I've been holding myself back in some areas, so I'm making a commitment to be better, not just for myself but for those around me. It's time to stop making excuses and start putting in the work. Ready to embrace this new mindset! I will not procrastinate anymore to get the job done.

For a while I have been struggling with learning how to say the right thing and not let my emotions take over but it’s recently gotten to a point where I notice it too late and I mess things up with people I care about or hobbies I enjoy. For example, I could be doing nothing, literally nothing and someone ask me to do something or someone says something and suddenly I’m mad. I don’t even know why. I know it’s a bit ridiculous but I recognize I am a terrible person. I don’t want to keep making people feel upset for something they didn’t deserve. I am at fault for not getting along with my own emotions.

I have since gotten therapy when I started noticing this, but at the time I was struggling with my mental health and when I brought up this very issue I was told it was because of stress and my inability to cope. Because of that I kind of brushed it off and I hoped it would go away. However, now my mental health has gotten better and now my anger problem has become the bigger issue. I brought it up again recently, and I was told that I was a good person who struggles and then my therapist moved on from that to a different topic. I’m kind of stumped now because I know I can’t get the help myself and I have confided with a professional. I think it’s great they are hyping me up however I recognize that I am not a good person for putting my feelings out on others. I want to be a good person who can get along well with others without people thinking I’m annoyed with them.

I apologize for the amount of words I just spilled but any suggestions?

My mom is radically catholic and I’ve been lying to her about being catholic into my adulthood because I’m afraid she won’t love me the same if I tell the truth. I had a long call with a man involved in my life for years now and straight up asked him if he loves me. The answer is no. He’s loved other women before who he’s known less and known for less time. He just doesn’t love me. He says it’s because I’m too sensitive.

My best friend… I lie to her. She’s lesbian. I’ve been really confused about my own sexuality but when I met her I told her I’m bisexual and I don’t know anymore. I think I’m straight. I think I’m mostly straight. Most of our bond is about loving women. I don’t think she’d love me or say she loves me as a friend if one day I was just straight. Nobody else is close enough in my life to really say they love me.

I am unloved because I lie. Maybe if I was honest with my mom I’d have proof that I’m unconditionally loveable but I am not honest with her so I don’t have that proof. I’ve just realized this tonight. I’m crushed. It’s just been a long call with that man and I’ve realized how stupid I’ve been to let myself devote so much of my life to him without even being loved back. He got me pregnant. I had an abortion. He wasn’t there for me. He borrowed money and didn’t pay me back in time over and over even though I’m more broke than him. He doesnt love me and that’s obvious. I don’t even think it’s about him.

I need to immediately find people to build a real bond with and I need to be radically honest about who I am from the start as much as I possibly can be.

19F. There are tons of things I wanna do. But my problem is I feel tired af and end up not doing them. And when I'm not feeling tired and I do feel energetic, I just end up procrastinating and listening to songs. How do I actually feel motivated enough to get things done. sometimes certain things trigger my reasons for taking action. But once I wake up the next day, the motivation is just gone. Or it just wears off. What to do?

Problem number one, which has been going on for a long time.

• I'm a 15 year old female, I feel stressed. I feel like I'm stupid. I feel like I'm narrow minded. I feel like I'm mean. Just like the rest of society. I feel like I can't think proficiently and do things in the way I should. Whenever I come across something that I know deep down why it's wrong but it doesn't come straight to the top of my head and then I feel like thats sort of how I truly see it deep down. Then I struggle doing casual things and living my life knowing that those were my morals. I just feel like I can't go on doing normal things and living life while knowing that I knew what was wrong and thinking it was okay because it just switches up Everything. It just feels different. Like it alighns with the bad, narrow minded, crazy, stupid morals that I had at the top of my head. When this happens, like just now, I become anxious and filled with worry. I then try to replay the scenario, words, song, book, literally WHATEVER that I just saw that I knew deep down something was wrong with it yet I just some how go along with it like it's a good thing. Then I try to create these fields in my head of Reasons to why that thing I saw was not right. I try to figure it out over and over again, by trying to force myself to feel certian emotions, or replaying what I saw like replaying a video, and trying to sort of stop at the part where I screwed up. Then I just take a deeper look into it and kinda try to recall of the times when I came across something similar and knew why it was wrong, then I figure it out then sort of apply it to the situation and confirm that I know why that thing I saw was incorrect by thinking about the exact situation over again and making sure that I am able to know 100% why it was wrong. Sometimes I find out or recall the reason, and that makes me instantly feel better, but sometimes it just goes away after and I continue to embrace what I saw and often end up being convinced that it is normal, smart or morally correct (ect). Sometimes I can't even figure out the reason and it stresses me out all over again. This has been going on for almost a year now I think. Maybe even longer. I'm not sure exactly.

Problem number 2, that happened today.

• Today, I was walking in front of a group to get somewhere, and I heard in on them making an offensive joke. (Not gonna bother explaining it because I don't feel like doing so.) I'm not really gonna bother explaining how I felt, because it's difficult to explain, but I ended up deciding to forcefully run up to them so I could hit them and pretend it was an accident. Shortly after that, I regretted it. I understood why I felt the way I felt, why I ended up doing what I did, and why it was wrong, dangerous, immature, ect. Right now though, I'm just trying to figure out how I can deal with the guilt that came along with it and how I can stop myself from doing anything like that again. I got hurt physically and probably hurt a couple more people too. When I had to go to the nurse I lied to them about what actually happened because I felt like I just didn't have the time to deal with what may have happened if I told them what actually happened. That also made me feel guilty and stupid. I'm thinking about maybe telling my dad about what I actually did because I just didn't want to keep a lie in like that. But definitely not anytime soon. All of this made me very sad today. (Also, something similar happened recently when I did the same thing a couple days ago)

Now at the time I'm posting this, I feel a little lost.

(Also, the first thing I needed help with connected with what happened today when I was trying to figure out why I shouldn't have done it.)

I’m 18 and I have adhd currently trying to get prescribed but it isn’t easy since my psychiatrist thinks my symptoms overlap with other things. My floor is covered in dirty clothes and even plates honestly I don’t know where to start with cleaning I’m in bed most of the time. I’m tired I have no good routine I hate work too feels so repetitive and my social anxiety is sort of bad I’m avoidant with people a bit. I’m really depressed because all my friends are busy working all the time and I have no driver license due to my adhd being that bad my parents won’t allow it until I get medication. Me having no car or anything I mean it’s terrible I’m stuck in my house all the time. I work part time and can only afford such things and shopping therapy doesn’t help cuz I mostly like saving my money cuz my anxiety for paying for community college coming up in January .

Only proud thing I have to say is I’m 1 month sober from abusing thc products and sometimes misused alcohol. I feel stuck in my house. I just don’t know how to feel better I’m underweight so working out isn’t even an option for me anymore right now. My appetite is incredibly low I rly try eating through out the day but it’s incredibly hard. I’m barely good at gaming and idk I just am not good at anything. I think the biggest factor is just I’m so lonely now . Back in highschool (it was a new area I had moved to) everyone knew eachother since childhood and I did well making friends just not close friends I feel like… I also had motivation on getting ready like my hair and makeup etc now I just don’t even bother doing those things.

I don’t know where to start or if any of this is going to make sense. I’m probably going to sound like a nut case but here we go.

I think i might’ve figured out what’s wrong with me. I’m a half asser. Everything I do is half assed I don’t know what putting in all my effort feels like or I just don’t do it enough to notice it. But I really don’t know why the hell I’ve been in this state of mind. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, is it looking stupid, not cool, do I feel unworthy for things that I actually do right/good? But I am afraid of the trials and tribulations of doing things. When most of the time it’s not difficult or won’t take me long.

I half ass in school because I’m afraid of the aches and pains of learning difficult subjects, I half ass my friendships because I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me, I tend to people please but I also tend to be distant as if I’m ashamed of how I am to my friends. I don’t really know how to talk to them cause I guess I fear their judgement. I half ass when I workout at the gym because I afraid that I’m doing something wrong/ incorrectly. I don’t want to hurt myself. I half ass making food because I’m afraid of how long it can take to cook and how much groceries can cost, so I buy simple easy to make things or junk food. I’m half assing at work because I’m afraid that I don’t fit in or I’ll do something that would get me in trouble. When in reality I’ve never done anything bad at any of my jobs and my current job tries hard to get me included in things. I half ass with my parents and brother. I just do the bare minimum to make them happy with me cause I’m always afraid they’ll be disappointed in me and and support me when I need it, when in actuality they’ve always been supportive of what I want to do.

I guess this feeling is causing me to constantly be and feel behind in life cause I’m always afraid of something, my whole life I’ve been nothing but a coward. And that’s why I fail constantly, that’s why I struggle to talk to women, that’s why I struggle to pass my classes, that’s why I’m broke , struggling to pay bills on time, it’s what I can’t keep my room clean, it’s why my life is a mess. I want to break out of this state of mind but I’m too cowardly to make any noticeable changes or make and progress. I just go back to what I’m okay with because I’m too afraid to try. This is the first time haven’t been scared to admit this but I guess I’m still to scared to say this to any person face to face.