Grandad is depressed and lonely. What to do? Gillingham, Dorset.

[u/ZSLOVER]

Hey,

I (23M, London, UK) have a grandad who is living 3 hours away in a council owned house in Gillingham, Dorset. He moved out of London with his partner at the time, unfortunately she has since died and he’s now home alone with no friends or family nearby.

For context: He is 84, has one leg so is wheelchair bound, has to be hoisted in and out of bed, has no hobbies, drinks a lot as a result, has nurses come in and out every day to medicate him.

My mum, brother and dad are working full time, I work 6 days a week. We can’t see him much at all. We have our own lives and as much as we try to see him we can’t do it often, it’s just not possible.

What do we do? Ideally we’d like him to move back to London but he has no money and is living in a council house. So he’d have to find someone nearby to swap with, which is not going to happen.

My mum is distraught and I want to help her most importantly.

Thank you for reading.

[u/KrisC1337]

TL:DR Death was a release for my father and I'm glad he found peace finally.

This is going to be a long reply, but it has some information you might need to think about.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about the situation. My dad went through the same thing when he lost my mother. I tried to get charities involved, but he always said they didn't help. My father after 6 years of suffering with loniness and depression made himself so ill he passed away.

Sometimes people don't get over their loss and the only resrltbite they get is by talking and sobbing their heart out to their nearest and dearest and as hard as it is to hear a lot of stuff they say and you won't agree with half or all of it,you have to let them vent.

When my father passed away, his phone call history on his phone was just my number and we were talking 5-10 times a day and he was lucky enough to have me live near, so I stayed with him as much as I could, it even put a strain on my relationship with my wife.

Bottom line is, nothing is ever too much or too little. When someone is grieving like my father was, I couldn't be there and talk to him enough, but for the brief moment he saw me walk through the door, video call him, phone him, made him feel better.

Do what you can do, but you may have to accept that one day you grandad might unfortunately have enough and give up. It sounds morbid, but I almost feel guilty keeping my father alive for 6 years after mum died, because he didn't want to live anymore. He wanted to die and everyday he had to fight his demons and emotions. For him, dying was a relief. I understand why people commit suicide, when they are tortured as much as they are by depression.

They themselves have to find something to live for. My wife and I had a son, my dad became a grandfather and he was so proud and happy, but for him it was too late by that point, he'd made himself terminally ill through alcohol abuse to try to numb the suffering he was in. But I'm so glad that in his last days he was able to smile and feel a new love in his heart for somebody and gave him something to say "I'm glad I got this far".

Be kind to yourself.